It seems like everyone I am close to and talk to pretty frequently is having struggles in their marriage or with their kids, including me and my spouse. I have mentioned in previous posts that we grew apart and now we are trying to rebuild and reconnect and it is easier said than done. There are a LOT of conversations about our situation and why we are where we are, how to improve and what is bugging us right now. As I have been thinking a lot about myself, my relationship with my spouse, my kids, and my friends I have realized that there is a recurring theme over and over again in my thoughts and that is, what do I expect from them and from myself in those relationships.
My husband is a great guy and very helpful . . . on things he thinks needs to be done. For example, one day there were literally about 8 baskets of washed laundry that needed to be folded and put away and it was obvious that I was pretty stressed out and trying to get a lot done and when my husband woke up that day instead of saying, "Hey I can see you have been working hard all day so let me fold this laundry for you" he went outside and spent an hour cleaning up the backyard, taking care of the dogs, and sweeping the pool that we are no longer able to swim in because it is too cold. He then had to rush to get ready for work and eat dinner and then left for work leaving me with those 8 baskets of laundry, plus the dishes from dinner, plus the responsibility of making dinner, and taking care of our four children and well you get the idea. The main problem was not so much that he left the laundry unfolded, it was that I expected him to help around the house but didn't vocalize that expectation and therefore he was unable to meet that expectation.
Let's apply this to kids. How often do you expect your children to behave well at the store only to get there and have them try escaping you, scream when they don't get what they want, knock things off the shelf, etc. Or do you expect them to come home from a long day of school and immediately sit down at the table and work on another hour of homework only to have them come home and fight you every step of the way.
The problem is not the behavior of the people in our lives the problem is our expectations and the way we are expressing them. Sometimes we expect too much from people, other times we expect too little. So how do you set the right expectation? The main thing is to look at the individual and their own special circumstances. Is it reasonable to expect a two year old to share his toys with other two year olds? NO, two year olds do not share! You can help them to share, you can involve yourself in their play to ensure they share with others but to expect them to immediately be o.k. with sharing with another kid is setting yourself up for disappointment. If you are aware of the fact that two year old don't share, or that a fourteen year old believes they know everything about life and you know nothing, then when they behave in that manner you aren't disappointed or frustrated (well maybe a little frustrated) but instead you can focus on ways to help them be the best two yr old or fourteen yr old or even 50 yr old they can be. Now this is going to go against what I just said, BUT, it is important to set expectations high so people can stretch and grow to reach that expectation, but you also have to find what you are o.k. with until they reach your expectation. For example, I expect my children to grow up to become well behaved, smart, respectful adults and therefore I am going to teach them how to become that but am not going to become upset or disappointed when my child behaves like a normal 6 yr old, 5 yr old or 2 yr old. Does that make sense?
The other thing you do not want to do is set your expectations too low - because wherever you set your expectations people will meet them (as long as they are reasonable and they know what those expectations are). If you expect your child to disobey you then they will. If you expect your children to be lazy then they will be. If you expect your husband to act like your father then he will. If you expect your friends to take advantage of you then they will. Whatever you expectations you set people will meet them!
I encourage you to really think about and write down what you expect from the people in your life, especially from those who seem to be disappointing you the most. Are your expectations reasonable? Are they attainable for the person you expect it from? Have you expressed these expectations to those people and discussed them with each other? If not, do it! There are so many more things I can post about expectations so keep an eye out for more on this subject!
Showing posts with label Communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Communication. Show all posts
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
J is so angry
J is my difficult child. He didn't talk until he was 3 years old and since then he has a hard time expressing himself and M and O do not always listen to his words so he physically attacks them. I do not believe in spanking my kids and literally the only times I have ever spanked was because one of my children were putting the other child in danger - for example one time M pushed J under the water in the bath when he was a baby and without thinking I smacked her while getting J out of danger. So last night J got mad at O and was suffocating him and then tonight M didn't play the way he wanted so he choked her so he got a spanking tonight and I yelled at him pretty good and then I thought well that was genius Kim, I don't want him to hurt others when he gets upset but when I got upset I hurt him. So I started thinking about what has been going on and how I can help him resolve this issue. He has never hurt another kid outside of our family ever and I doubt he ever will, but that is not a risk I am willing to take.
After doing some serious reflecting I realized that from the time J woke up this morning until he went to bed I don't think I spent more than ten minutes focused solely on him all day, he watched TV, he played video games, he went to school, and then he came home and watched more tv and then he hurt M and then we went to a friends house and he played with friends until it was time for bed. Looking back on yesterday it was similar minus the playing with friends part and I did spend more time with him but still not a lot and I honestly feel like his aggression is a cry for attention and he feels like he isn't being listened to so here is my plan:
1. I am removing all toys from the kids bedrooms - I have noticed that it is when they are playing in their rooms unsupervised that he tends to be the most frustrated and does the most hurting, we have a playroom and so all toys are going to be in the playroom from now on and whatever doesn't fit in the playroom is getting put away for now.
2. I am banning technology! Television is nice but it is too easy for me to allow one tv show to turn in to three hours and right now we have a television with dvr in almost every room of the house so for now no more tv or video games or playing on the phone. I will wait until my kids are in school or asleep to get on the computer or watch my shows because I need to be an example to them. I will text but no more checking Facebook or blogs or forums that I hang out at all day. All of that will be done at night or while they are in school from now on.
3. I am going to spend more time one on one with J and play with them more and supervise their playing more. If this was going on in a classroom setting I would be doing a ton of observations where I note what is happening before, during and after so that is what I am going to do at home - I am going to observe and then take what I observe and teach all of my kids better ways to handle situations that come up.
4. T and I are both going to work harder at controlling our own anger. This is not easily accomplished right now since T and I are going through some pretty rough stuff as a couple and I think it bleeds over into our parenting of our kids, plus I haven't had a solid 5 hours of sleep in who knows how long so that is wearing on me and I have less patience with my kids - but it is not my children's fault for any of those things so it is my responsibility to not take it out on them.
5. I am going to talk to J more about how he is feeling - a lot of time we get angry because of cognitive distortions (that is a blog post in and of itself) so I am going to figure out what cognitive distortions he is feeling and help him redirect his way of thinking.
Some of you might be thinking that this is a little drastic and a lot of work (my hubby said it was unrealistic) but you know what I can guarantee if I do these things every day that within a month at the most J will be a completely different kid. I firmly believe that when you choose to have kids you choose to sacrifice your time and wants and desires for their sakes and waiting to teach him how to control his emotions is only going to make things worse so it is time for me to put my life on hold a bit and focus more on him and his needs. I will keep you updated on how things progress!
After doing some serious reflecting I realized that from the time J woke up this morning until he went to bed I don't think I spent more than ten minutes focused solely on him all day, he watched TV, he played video games, he went to school, and then he came home and watched more tv and then he hurt M and then we went to a friends house and he played with friends until it was time for bed. Looking back on yesterday it was similar minus the playing with friends part and I did spend more time with him but still not a lot and I honestly feel like his aggression is a cry for attention and he feels like he isn't being listened to so here is my plan:
1. I am removing all toys from the kids bedrooms - I have noticed that it is when they are playing in their rooms unsupervised that he tends to be the most frustrated and does the most hurting, we have a playroom and so all toys are going to be in the playroom from now on and whatever doesn't fit in the playroom is getting put away for now.
2. I am banning technology! Television is nice but it is too easy for me to allow one tv show to turn in to three hours and right now we have a television with dvr in almost every room of the house so for now no more tv or video games or playing on the phone. I will wait until my kids are in school or asleep to get on the computer or watch my shows because I need to be an example to them. I will text but no more checking Facebook or blogs or forums that I hang out at all day. All of that will be done at night or while they are in school from now on.
3. I am going to spend more time one on one with J and play with them more and supervise their playing more. If this was going on in a classroom setting I would be doing a ton of observations where I note what is happening before, during and after so that is what I am going to do at home - I am going to observe and then take what I observe and teach all of my kids better ways to handle situations that come up.
4. T and I are both going to work harder at controlling our own anger. This is not easily accomplished right now since T and I are going through some pretty rough stuff as a couple and I think it bleeds over into our parenting of our kids, plus I haven't had a solid 5 hours of sleep in who knows how long so that is wearing on me and I have less patience with my kids - but it is not my children's fault for any of those things so it is my responsibility to not take it out on them.
5. I am going to talk to J more about how he is feeling - a lot of time we get angry because of cognitive distortions (that is a blog post in and of itself) so I am going to figure out what cognitive distortions he is feeling and help him redirect his way of thinking.
Some of you might be thinking that this is a little drastic and a lot of work (my hubby said it was unrealistic) but you know what I can guarantee if I do these things every day that within a month at the most J will be a completely different kid. I firmly believe that when you choose to have kids you choose to sacrifice your time and wants and desires for their sakes and waiting to teach him how to control his emotions is only going to make things worse so it is time for me to put my life on hold a bit and focus more on him and his needs. I will keep you updated on how things progress!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
There is more to listening than using your ears
In order to be able to communicate well with others you have to learn how to listen. Even if you are the one with the problem and seeking help from a friend or loved one you need to learn how to listen so you can get the most out of the conversation! Did you know that your environment and your body language has more to do with listening than actually hearing a person's words? Everything from how you are sitting to where you are sitting applies to listening. These are called "attending skills" and there are thirteen of them. I am only going to cover half of them here then the other half tomorrow. Watch for these when you are talking with people and see if it makes a difference in your conversations.
1. Space: meaning how close or how far away you are sitting from the person you are talking to. Every parent knows (at least I hope they do) that to really get their child to listen they have to get on the child's level and close to them. The same goes for adults! If you are upset and sitting on one side of the room and trying to talk and come to terms with a person who is sitting clear across the room the conversation will not go very well, also if you are too close you will feel uncomfortable and unable to truly express what is bothering you. A good distance for listening to others is arms length.
2. Movement: Have you ever tried to talk to someone while they were walking away from you? It is pretty frustrating! How about when they are walking towards you? They usually hear you and pay attention to what you are saying, right? How about sitting on a couch facing you, did you know that if you lean towards to the person it is your body saying you are listening and if you are leaning away from them it says you're not? So make sure you are always coming towards a person with your body instead of away - but keep an arms length between the two of you!
3. Posture: How are you sitting or standing while trying to talk and listen to each other? Are you slouching, rigid, leaning away? Are you relaxed but attentive, seated and leaning toward the person? Are your arms folded or open? Did you know that if you are sitting with your legs crossed, arms folded and leaning back your body is telling the person that you don't care what they say you are closed off and your mind is made up? But if your feet are both on the floor and your hips are shoulder length apart, your arms are resting on your knees and you are leaning towards them your body says you are keeping an open mind and are listening.
4. Eye contact: are you looking at the person and maintaining eye contact or are you looking all over the place, anywhere but at them? If you are looking at the computer and not the person talking to you where is your attention really? I used to never be able to look in a persons eyes because I had such horrible self esteem and didn't feel worthy to look in a persons eyes so keep that in mind if a person is looking at you but not your eyes it might have more to do with them being uncomfortable than not listening.
5. Time: There have been many times in my married life where I have been reading a book and my husband has started talking to me and I have literally not heard him because I am so into my book. Or I have been reading a blog and he has called and I have tuned him out completely. This is what time is referring to, are you continuing what you were doing before the person started talking to you or have you stopped, put it aside and given the person your time? I have to literally close the laptop or put the book away if I am going to really be able to pay attention.
6. Feet/legs: are you using your legs to keep distance between you and a person or are they unobtrusive and unnoticeable? Have you ever been sitting on the couch facing another person and your legs or the other person's are on the couch creating a barrier? Move your legs to the side and keep the space between you and the person you are talking to open and free.
7. Furniture: Think about a counselor's office, when they have you sit down it is typically them sitting in a chair facing a couch or two chairs and then you are sitting on one of the chairs/couch facing them and there is nothing in between you. I am not going to have a deep conversation with a person at a table, I am going to move to the living room and ideally have us both sitting on the couch facing each other.
Think about these things as you talk to people throughout the day - even if it isn't deep and see if it effects the conversation!
1. Space: meaning how close or how far away you are sitting from the person you are talking to. Every parent knows (at least I hope they do) that to really get their child to listen they have to get on the child's level and close to them. The same goes for adults! If you are upset and sitting on one side of the room and trying to talk and come to terms with a person who is sitting clear across the room the conversation will not go very well, also if you are too close you will feel uncomfortable and unable to truly express what is bothering you. A good distance for listening to others is arms length.
2. Movement: Have you ever tried to talk to someone while they were walking away from you? It is pretty frustrating! How about when they are walking towards you? They usually hear you and pay attention to what you are saying, right? How about sitting on a couch facing you, did you know that if you lean towards to the person it is your body saying you are listening and if you are leaning away from them it says you're not? So make sure you are always coming towards a person with your body instead of away - but keep an arms length between the two of you!
3. Posture: How are you sitting or standing while trying to talk and listen to each other? Are you slouching, rigid, leaning away? Are you relaxed but attentive, seated and leaning toward the person? Are your arms folded or open? Did you know that if you are sitting with your legs crossed, arms folded and leaning back your body is telling the person that you don't care what they say you are closed off and your mind is made up? But if your feet are both on the floor and your hips are shoulder length apart, your arms are resting on your knees and you are leaning towards them your body says you are keeping an open mind and are listening.
4. Eye contact: are you looking at the person and maintaining eye contact or are you looking all over the place, anywhere but at them? If you are looking at the computer and not the person talking to you where is your attention really? I used to never be able to look in a persons eyes because I had such horrible self esteem and didn't feel worthy to look in a persons eyes so keep that in mind if a person is looking at you but not your eyes it might have more to do with them being uncomfortable than not listening.
5. Time: There have been many times in my married life where I have been reading a book and my husband has started talking to me and I have literally not heard him because I am so into my book. Or I have been reading a blog and he has called and I have tuned him out completely. This is what time is referring to, are you continuing what you were doing before the person started talking to you or have you stopped, put it aside and given the person your time? I have to literally close the laptop or put the book away if I am going to really be able to pay attention.
6. Feet/legs: are you using your legs to keep distance between you and a person or are they unobtrusive and unnoticeable? Have you ever been sitting on the couch facing another person and your legs or the other person's are on the couch creating a barrier? Move your legs to the side and keep the space between you and the person you are talking to open and free.
7. Furniture: Think about a counselor's office, when they have you sit down it is typically them sitting in a chair facing a couch or two chairs and then you are sitting on one of the chairs/couch facing them and there is nothing in between you. I am not going to have a deep conversation with a person at a table, I am going to move to the living room and ideally have us both sitting on the couch facing each other.
Think about these things as you talk to people throughout the day - even if it isn't deep and see if it effects the conversation!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Share your problems with your spouse!
Life has been hard around our house since I had baby N. I have felt overwhelmed, disinterested, lonely, and slightly depressed. I was embarrassed to talk about it with anyone and slowly withdrew more and more into myself and away from my husband and kids. My husband noticed something was off but never said anything because he figured I would just figure it out and then things would be fine again.Which normally would be true, but for some reason I just couldn't kick the melancholy I was feeling. I wasn't mad or angry or overally sad I just felt nothing.
So finally one night while we were folding laundry I started talking to T about it and telling him how I was feeling. I expressed to him how overwhelmed I felt with getting everything done and not being the mom and wife I know I am capable of. It didn't help that he sprained his ankle pretty bad and then ended up getting bad headaches which put extra work on me with a newborn baby. I told him that I needed more help around the house - he is an amazing helper already but only on certain things, he doesn't know what a broom or toilet brush look like I swear! I told him that I needed his help for me to not feel guilty about spending time working on my blogs or photography or digital scrapbooking.
He was such an amazing listener and not once did he get on the defensive, instead he kept telling me that if I was unhappy then he was unhappy and it is his responsibility as my husband to ensure I am happy. He thought he was being helpful already (which he was) but after explaining to him the help that I really needed he realized his help wasn't much help at all.
Since we have talked I have slowly started to feel happy again. I am far from being my normal happy self but I am closer today than I was before I talked with him. Just being able to tell him what I was feeling and not have him go on the defense was a huge help!
The day after I shared with him my problems, we began talking about how both of us sensed something wrong was but never said anything about it and why we thought that was. I honestly think that we let our fears and insecurities get in the way of sharing our problems with others and so we internalize them and we just get further and further away from our family and then it's not that hard to find connections elsewhere and fall out of love with each other. But by talking about it and sharing in a loving and supportive way brings you closer together and unites you guys in a battle against your problems. Sharing your faults and weaknesses, in my opinion, with each other can only make you stronger.
So if there is something in your life that you are struggling with but are too afraid to share it with the one you love find time this week to share it with them, and before you begin express to them how important it is to you that they don't go on the defensive but stay open minded and help you both find ways to help you through your struggles. I will be doing posts this week about great ways to communicate so stay tuned!
So finally one night while we were folding laundry I started talking to T about it and telling him how I was feeling. I expressed to him how overwhelmed I felt with getting everything done and not being the mom and wife I know I am capable of. It didn't help that he sprained his ankle pretty bad and then ended up getting bad headaches which put extra work on me with a newborn baby. I told him that I needed more help around the house - he is an amazing helper already but only on certain things, he doesn't know what a broom or toilet brush look like I swear! I told him that I needed his help for me to not feel guilty about spending time working on my blogs or photography or digital scrapbooking.
He was such an amazing listener and not once did he get on the defensive, instead he kept telling me that if I was unhappy then he was unhappy and it is his responsibility as my husband to ensure I am happy. He thought he was being helpful already (which he was) but after explaining to him the help that I really needed he realized his help wasn't much help at all.
Since we have talked I have slowly started to feel happy again. I am far from being my normal happy self but I am closer today than I was before I talked with him. Just being able to tell him what I was feeling and not have him go on the defense was a huge help!
The day after I shared with him my problems, we began talking about how both of us sensed something wrong was but never said anything about it and why we thought that was. I honestly think that we let our fears and insecurities get in the way of sharing our problems with others and so we internalize them and we just get further and further away from our family and then it's not that hard to find connections elsewhere and fall out of love with each other. But by talking about it and sharing in a loving and supportive way brings you closer together and unites you guys in a battle against your problems. Sharing your faults and weaknesses, in my opinion, with each other can only make you stronger.
So if there is something in your life that you are struggling with but are too afraid to share it with the one you love find time this week to share it with them, and before you begin express to them how important it is to you that they don't go on the defensive but stay open minded and help you both find ways to help you through your struggles. I will be doing posts this week about great ways to communicate so stay tuned!
Monday, March 21, 2011
It takes two
Let me start off by saying that parenting is a lot of work and I admire all of the single parents out there who are working every day to not only put a roof over their child's head and food in their bellies, but also giving their child the time and attention they need and taking care of all of the responsibilities of a home and a family on their own, I don't know how you do it and I give you mad props for what you do!
With that being said, most kids have two parents - whether they live together or are divorced - and those two parents need to find a way to work together in raising their children. I grew up in a home where when my dad was home he was the boss and we wouldn't dare step one toe over the line or we risked getting a serious butt whipping and the minute he was gone my mom would say do whatever he isn't here to stop you just don't tell him I let you go play or do whatever. My mom was in a hard spot because she wasn't strong enough to really stand up to him and say that he was out of line because my dad was "the head of the household" and yet she saw how unjust his discipline was and wanted to make it up to us kids, and because of this parenting dynamic there were a lot of mixed feelings and messages and a lot of resentment on everyone's parts. It was really bad with my younger brother and he is paying the consequences for that now, because the message was sent to him early on that mommy would take care of everything and ignore everything your father said, because the minute he went to work she would let him cave. He is now 18 years old, is a high school drop out, no ged, no license, no job and very little understanding about how the real world works. Believe me when I say it doesn't do your kids any good to not have mom and dad on the same side working together to raise their children.
With that being said, it is often easier said than done to get parents to agree on a set way of parenting their children. As I mentioned before we all have pasts and were raised very differently and therefore we all have different ideas on what works and what doesn't work and we all have different views on what matters the most. The key to working together is to bring those ideals to the table and really discuss them with each other and come up with a plan that works. And in order for this to really work, both parents have to be open-minded to the ideas of the other parent and respectful to each other. Just because parents are divorced it doesn't mean they cannot find a way to work together in raising their children. Here are some things that I have found work best in my relationship and hopefully they will work in yours as well.
1. What is my attitude towards my spouse? This is the number one most important aspect of any successful relationship - what is our attitude towards that person and what do we expect from them? I have friends whose husbands dictate a lot of the aspects in their life - like how much tv they can watch, whether they can go out with friends or not, how much time they can spend on the computer - and the only reason it is like that is because those friends have chosen to place their spouse and father of their children in the role of master of the house and he is the head of the house and that is all there is too it. I then have friends who refuse to be under a man's heel and therefore go to the extreme of micromanaging all of the details in their home to ensure things are done their way and their husbands don't have much to worry about except for go to work come home and eat. Then you have people like me - and I will say a majority of my friends are like this - where I look at my husband as my partner in everything, he is not above me and I am not above him. He is not smarter than me and I am not smarter than him. I look at him as a teammate whose opinions and values are just as important as mine and he knows that I will support him and I know he will support me. I never ask my husband "permission" for anything. I let him know my plans for the week, he lets me know his and if there are conflicts we work together to figure out how to make it work. My husband would never dream of telling me I wasn't allowed to do something because he wouldn't want me to do the same to him. There is a quote given by an LDS prophet that our marriage is based on and I think it is the foundation to having a good working relationship as parents, the quote is,
"Women was taken out of man - not to be trampled underfoot, but out of his side to be equal to him . . . under his arm to be perfected and near his heart, . . . to be loved." President David O. McKay
I love this quote because it really shows that we as women were not sent to men to be their slaves or their mothers, but to be their partners and if we have that attitude towards them when deciding how to raise our children and they have that attitude towards us, then things are a lot easier to figure out and compromise on than if you are not equals in your relationships.
2. How I approach the issue is key! I have a lot more knowledge about the "right" way to raise a child than my husband does because of my degree and the fact that I read more parenting books and articles than he does, but I will never approach him with a concern I have in a way that reflects I know more than he does. If I have an issue or a concern that I need to address with my spouse, it is done in a way that promotes communication and open-mindedness and encourages him to share his opinions and thoughts and together we come up with a solution. Here is how a typical parenting discussion goes in our home.
Concern: T is yelling at the kids more than I feel is necessary.
Me: Hey I feel like WE have been yelling at our kids a lot lately, in fact the other day M asked me something and then immediately covered her ears because she thought I was going to yell at her, and I really don't like that, I think it is something I need to work on to be better at, how do you think you are doing with yelling?
T: I hadn't really thought about it, but now that you mention it I have been yelling a lot lately. I just get so frustrated when they don't listen or they are bothering me.
Me: I get bothered too, I just think that there has to be a better way to express OUR frustrations without resorting to yelling, what do you think WE can do instead?
T: I don't know, I guess I can just try harder to not yell.
Me: well that is great in theory, but I really think WE need to decide now what WE are going to do instead of waiting until WE are frustrated and want to yell to try to figure it out.
T: That's a good point, well I guess instead of yelling I could . . .
And the conversation follows that path until we have come up with a plan that works for both of us. This doesn't necessarily have to be something I want T to be better at, it could be a behavior issue I notice in our kids like J only wanting to watch TV and play video games, or deciding on a bed time routine that works for both of us - are we going to read one story per kid (that's 3 stories a night) or just one story, are we going to have a bath every night or every other night? Do the kids get to have sippies and snacks in their room or is that a no no?
Notice the emphasis on we and our, by using those two words it lets him know I genuinely want his opinion and input and I view it as a joint issue and not attacking him. T definitely feels like the majority of the parenting decisions falls on my shoulders because I am with the kids more than him, but he needs to be aware of my discipline plans and my routines so that when he is home our kids lives aren't disrupted and they can't play us and so I ALWAYS include him in all parenting decisions because if he isn't willing to do something it will not be as effective as both of us doing it together.
3. Compromise is essential! I know that I will not always get the final say in a discussion about raising kids because different things are important to me than to my husband. For the most part my husband and I have the same ideals and there isn't much need for compromise but every now and then we disagree and one of us has to budge. In order for us to do that in a way that doesn't leave the other person bitter we will ALWAYS ask the other person, "why is that so important to you?" This gives me so much insight into my husband and his past and the way he thinks and vice versa and that is how we will decide on who is going to compromise, if his reason is just that he doesn't want to do it and my reason is that I have read up on it and all the research shows that children who do . . . are more likely to do . . . then I win. If it is important to him because he feels as a father it his responsibility to teach . . . then he wins. It is never that because he is the head of the house, or that I am the one with the kids all day, it is more on the importance and value to each parent.
4. Respect, respect, respect! Growing up when there was a disagreement it was UGLY, let me tell you. There were a lot of unkind things said, fists thrown, objects thrown, yelling, and just a whole lot of unhurt feelings. Then I got married and had a disagreement with my husband and I didn't know what to do! He didn't yell, he listened to my arguments, expressed his thoughts in a kind, calm voice, and we just kept talking until we came to an agreement. I was in shock and I told him I didn't know how to fight with him because he didn't fight dirty. He fought with respect and never lost his cool and I have learned to be a lot more like that. Even when I get frustrated because he isn't listening to what I am trying to say or he is misinterpreting what I am saying it is never done disrespectfully, it never turns to yelling. No matter what though I know my husband cares about my opinion and I care about his.
This post is inspired by Kristine's comment about D feeling like she bosses him and hopefully this helped. In regards to putting E to bed and you and D doing different routines maybe you could sit down with D (I know easier said than done) and approach it by saying:
K: I am really frustrated with putting E to bed because you and I are doing it differently and so she uses that against me every night. I really feel like we need to come up with a bedtime routine that we both are o.k. with, so what are things you feel like we need to every night when putting E to bed?
and then let D say what he feels is most important and why it is important to him and after he has expressed his feelings THEN acknowledge that you heard what is important before saying what you feel is important. After you and D discuss you can then sit down as a family and talk to E about what the new bedtime routine is going to be and ask her if there is anything in there that she wants to add, maybe she really does need five minutes of cuddles at the end of the day because your days are so busy. Then when it comes to bedtime and she starts fighting you can say, E remember how we all sat down and agreed that this is how we were going to get ready for bed, I remember you agreed to this and I am sorry that you are not happy about it now but this is what we as a family agreed on and that is what we are going to do.
I hope that helps and let me know how it works out!
With that being said, most kids have two parents - whether they live together or are divorced - and those two parents need to find a way to work together in raising their children. I grew up in a home where when my dad was home he was the boss and we wouldn't dare step one toe over the line or we risked getting a serious butt whipping and the minute he was gone my mom would say do whatever he isn't here to stop you just don't tell him I let you go play or do whatever. My mom was in a hard spot because she wasn't strong enough to really stand up to him and say that he was out of line because my dad was "the head of the household" and yet she saw how unjust his discipline was and wanted to make it up to us kids, and because of this parenting dynamic there were a lot of mixed feelings and messages and a lot of resentment on everyone's parts. It was really bad with my younger brother and he is paying the consequences for that now, because the message was sent to him early on that mommy would take care of everything and ignore everything your father said, because the minute he went to work she would let him cave. He is now 18 years old, is a high school drop out, no ged, no license, no job and very little understanding about how the real world works. Believe me when I say it doesn't do your kids any good to not have mom and dad on the same side working together to raise their children.
With that being said, it is often easier said than done to get parents to agree on a set way of parenting their children. As I mentioned before we all have pasts and were raised very differently and therefore we all have different ideas on what works and what doesn't work and we all have different views on what matters the most. The key to working together is to bring those ideals to the table and really discuss them with each other and come up with a plan that works. And in order for this to really work, both parents have to be open-minded to the ideas of the other parent and respectful to each other. Just because parents are divorced it doesn't mean they cannot find a way to work together in raising their children. Here are some things that I have found work best in my relationship and hopefully they will work in yours as well.
1. What is my attitude towards my spouse? This is the number one most important aspect of any successful relationship - what is our attitude towards that person and what do we expect from them? I have friends whose husbands dictate a lot of the aspects in their life - like how much tv they can watch, whether they can go out with friends or not, how much time they can spend on the computer - and the only reason it is like that is because those friends have chosen to place their spouse and father of their children in the role of master of the house and he is the head of the house and that is all there is too it. I then have friends who refuse to be under a man's heel and therefore go to the extreme of micromanaging all of the details in their home to ensure things are done their way and their husbands don't have much to worry about except for go to work come home and eat. Then you have people like me - and I will say a majority of my friends are like this - where I look at my husband as my partner in everything, he is not above me and I am not above him. He is not smarter than me and I am not smarter than him. I look at him as a teammate whose opinions and values are just as important as mine and he knows that I will support him and I know he will support me. I never ask my husband "permission" for anything. I let him know my plans for the week, he lets me know his and if there are conflicts we work together to figure out how to make it work. My husband would never dream of telling me I wasn't allowed to do something because he wouldn't want me to do the same to him. There is a quote given by an LDS prophet that our marriage is based on and I think it is the foundation to having a good working relationship as parents, the quote is,
"Women was taken out of man - not to be trampled underfoot, but out of his side to be equal to him . . . under his arm to be perfected and near his heart, . . . to be loved." President David O. McKay
I love this quote because it really shows that we as women were not sent to men to be their slaves or their mothers, but to be their partners and if we have that attitude towards them when deciding how to raise our children and they have that attitude towards us, then things are a lot easier to figure out and compromise on than if you are not equals in your relationships.
2. How I approach the issue is key! I have a lot more knowledge about the "right" way to raise a child than my husband does because of my degree and the fact that I read more parenting books and articles than he does, but I will never approach him with a concern I have in a way that reflects I know more than he does. If I have an issue or a concern that I need to address with my spouse, it is done in a way that promotes communication and open-mindedness and encourages him to share his opinions and thoughts and together we come up with a solution. Here is how a typical parenting discussion goes in our home.
Concern: T is yelling at the kids more than I feel is necessary.
Me: Hey I feel like WE have been yelling at our kids a lot lately, in fact the other day M asked me something and then immediately covered her ears because she thought I was going to yell at her, and I really don't like that, I think it is something I need to work on to be better at, how do you think you are doing with yelling?
T: I hadn't really thought about it, but now that you mention it I have been yelling a lot lately. I just get so frustrated when they don't listen or they are bothering me.
Me: I get bothered too, I just think that there has to be a better way to express OUR frustrations without resorting to yelling, what do you think WE can do instead?
T: I don't know, I guess I can just try harder to not yell.
Me: well that is great in theory, but I really think WE need to decide now what WE are going to do instead of waiting until WE are frustrated and want to yell to try to figure it out.
T: That's a good point, well I guess instead of yelling I could . . .
And the conversation follows that path until we have come up with a plan that works for both of us. This doesn't necessarily have to be something I want T to be better at, it could be a behavior issue I notice in our kids like J only wanting to watch TV and play video games, or deciding on a bed time routine that works for both of us - are we going to read one story per kid (that's 3 stories a night) or just one story, are we going to have a bath every night or every other night? Do the kids get to have sippies and snacks in their room or is that a no no?
Notice the emphasis on we and our, by using those two words it lets him know I genuinely want his opinion and input and I view it as a joint issue and not attacking him. T definitely feels like the majority of the parenting decisions falls on my shoulders because I am with the kids more than him, but he needs to be aware of my discipline plans and my routines so that when he is home our kids lives aren't disrupted and they can't play us and so I ALWAYS include him in all parenting decisions because if he isn't willing to do something it will not be as effective as both of us doing it together.
3. Compromise is essential! I know that I will not always get the final say in a discussion about raising kids because different things are important to me than to my husband. For the most part my husband and I have the same ideals and there isn't much need for compromise but every now and then we disagree and one of us has to budge. In order for us to do that in a way that doesn't leave the other person bitter we will ALWAYS ask the other person, "why is that so important to you?" This gives me so much insight into my husband and his past and the way he thinks and vice versa and that is how we will decide on who is going to compromise, if his reason is just that he doesn't want to do it and my reason is that I have read up on it and all the research shows that children who do . . . are more likely to do . . . then I win. If it is important to him because he feels as a father it his responsibility to teach . . . then he wins. It is never that because he is the head of the house, or that I am the one with the kids all day, it is more on the importance and value to each parent.
4. Respect, respect, respect! Growing up when there was a disagreement it was UGLY, let me tell you. There were a lot of unkind things said, fists thrown, objects thrown, yelling, and just a whole lot of unhurt feelings. Then I got married and had a disagreement with my husband and I didn't know what to do! He didn't yell, he listened to my arguments, expressed his thoughts in a kind, calm voice, and we just kept talking until we came to an agreement. I was in shock and I told him I didn't know how to fight with him because he didn't fight dirty. He fought with respect and never lost his cool and I have learned to be a lot more like that. Even when I get frustrated because he isn't listening to what I am trying to say or he is misinterpreting what I am saying it is never done disrespectfully, it never turns to yelling. No matter what though I know my husband cares about my opinion and I care about his.
This post is inspired by Kristine's comment about D feeling like she bosses him and hopefully this helped. In regards to putting E to bed and you and D doing different routines maybe you could sit down with D (I know easier said than done) and approach it by saying:
K: I am really frustrated with putting E to bed because you and I are doing it differently and so she uses that against me every night. I really feel like we need to come up with a bedtime routine that we both are o.k. with, so what are things you feel like we need to every night when putting E to bed?
and then let D say what he feels is most important and why it is important to him and after he has expressed his feelings THEN acknowledge that you heard what is important before saying what you feel is important. After you and D discuss you can then sit down as a family and talk to E about what the new bedtime routine is going to be and ask her if there is anything in there that she wants to add, maybe she really does need five minutes of cuddles at the end of the day because your days are so busy. Then when it comes to bedtime and she starts fighting you can say, E remember how we all sat down and agreed that this is how we were going to get ready for bed, I remember you agreed to this and I am sorry that you are not happy about it now but this is what we as a family agreed on and that is what we are going to do.
I hope that helps and let me know how it works out!
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