J is so angry

J is my difficult child. He didn't talk until he was 3 years old and since then he has a hard time expressing himself and M and O do not always listen to his words so he physically attacks them. I do not believe in spanking my kids and literally the only times I have ever spanked was because one of my children were putting the other child in danger - for example one time M pushed J under the water in the bath when he was a baby and without thinking I smacked her while getting J out of danger. So last night J got mad at O and was suffocating him and then tonight M didn't play the way he wanted so he choked her so he got a spanking tonight and I yelled at him pretty good and then I thought well that was genius Kim, I don't want him to hurt others when he gets upset but when I got upset I hurt him. So I started thinking about what has been going on and how I can help him resolve this issue. He has never hurt another kid outside of our family ever and I doubt he ever will, but that is not a risk I am willing to take.

After doing some serious reflecting I realized that from the time J woke up this morning until he went to bed I don't think I spent more than ten minutes focused solely on him all day, he watched TV, he played video games, he went to school, and then he came home and watched more tv and then he hurt M and then we went to a friends house and he played with friends until it was time for bed. Looking back on yesterday it was similar minus the playing with friends part and I did spend more time with him but still not a lot and I honestly feel like his aggression is a cry for attention and he feels like he isn't being listened to so here is my plan:

1. I am removing all toys from the kids bedrooms - I have noticed that it is when they are playing in their rooms unsupervised that he tends to be the most frustrated and does the most hurting, we have a playroom and so all toys are going to be in the playroom from now on and whatever doesn't fit in the playroom is getting put away for now.

2. I am banning technology! Television is nice but it is too easy for me to allow one tv show to turn in to three hours and right now we have a television with dvr in almost every room of the house so for now no more tv or video games or playing on the phone. I will wait until my kids are in school or asleep to get on the computer or watch my shows because I need to be an example to them. I will text but no more checking Facebook or blogs or forums that I hang out at all day. All of that will be done at night or while they are in school from now on.

3. I am going to spend more time one on one with J and play with them more and supervise their playing more. If this was going on in a classroom setting I would be doing a ton of observations where I note what is happening before, during and after so that is what I am going to do at home - I am going to observe and then take what I observe and teach all of my kids better ways to handle situations that come up.

4. T and I are both going to work harder at controlling our own anger. This is not easily accomplished right now since T and I are going through some pretty rough stuff as a couple and I think it bleeds over into our parenting of our kids, plus I haven't had a solid 5 hours of sleep in who knows how long so that is wearing on me and I have less patience with my kids - but it is not my children's fault for any of those things so it is my responsibility to not take it out on them.

5. I am going to talk to J more about how he is feeling - a lot of time we get angry because of cognitive distortions (that is a blog post in and of itself) so I am going to figure out what cognitive distortions he is feeling and help him redirect his way of thinking.

Some of you might be thinking that this is a little drastic and a lot of work (my hubby said it was unrealistic) but you know what I can guarantee if I do these things every day that within a month at the most J will be a completely different kid. I firmly believe that when you choose to have kids you choose to sacrifice your time and wants and desires for their sakes and waiting to teach him how to control his emotions is only going to make things worse so it is time for me to put my life on hold a bit and focus more on him and his needs. I will keep you updated on how things progress!

Tips and Tricks Tuesday: When kids hit

All kids hit, whether you spank your kids or not it doesn't matter, all kids at one point or another in their life are going to hit someone else. Just like all behaviors how you as a parent respond to the hitting will determine how long the "hitting" phase lasts. Typically boys hit way more often than girls because boys are less verbal and more physical, but girls still hit. There is a great article here that talks about how to handle when your kids hit.

To add to the article, I am a firm believer that you do not punish hitting with hitting. When my kids choose to hit other kids then they choose to no longer be able to play with their friends or siblings. Depending on the level of "pain" they inflicted will determine how long they cannot play. Typically I tell them that they cannot play until their friend feels better, so if the hurt kid cries for five solid minutes then my kid will sit out from playing for five solid minutes. I do have my kids tell the friend they are sorry - but sorry is not enough! Too often I have had another kid hit one of my kids and they think that just because they said they were sorry that is enough - likewise with the parents, I have had mom's look at me and say "sorry my kid hit yours" and they think that makes it o.k. Now occasionally it is o.k. if it is a mild hurt - but if your kid hit my kid hard enough to leave a mark, cause them to bleed, or cause other serious injury sorry doesn't cut it.

If my kid makes another kid bleed, they will help clean up the blood and they are done playing and we will leave. If we cannot leave then they will sit on the couch until it is time to leave, because that is serious and kids need to know it is not o.k. to hurt our friends. If it is an accident, i.e. they were both running and ran into each other and the kid fell and got hurt so they are bleeding my kid will sit out until the bleeding is under control.

One thing I disagree with in the article is having the parent apologize for their child - as soon as my kids can talk they are taught to say they are sorry.

What do I do when other parents aren't o.k. with my discipline style? This rarely happens because my kids are disciplined when my kid hurts another kid, but I always talk to the other parent about what happened and we usually come up with something that works for both of us. What do I do when I am not o.k. with another parent's discipline style? It depends on how often my kid is hurt by the other kid, if every time we get together the kid is hurting my kid and the mom does nothing about it, or just makes the kid say sorry and nothing more then we will no longer play with that kid, they will not be welcome at my house and I will not take my kids to their house.  Also I do teach my kids to hit back. My kids know that it is not o.k. for them to hit someone, but if someone is hitting you then you have every right to defend yourself and hit back and they will not be punished for that, and when the kids both come crying about what happened ad find out one kid hit and then the other kid hit them back, I just say, "well sounds like you worked it out, next time maybe you could use your words instead of your fists, but if you don't want to get hit then don't hit first."

How do you handle it when kids hurt other kids?