Are you a Phineas & Ferb kind of parent?

Lately my kids have fallen in love with Phineas & Ferb. It has both boys and girls in it which makes it an easy pick for both M & J. If you have not watched this cartoon the premise is that Phineas and Ferb are brothers who love to invent things, much to the dismay of their older sister. Their mother is always in the episode, however, she is often shown doing miscellaneous household chores and appears to be completely oblivious to what is going on with her kids. As I was watching this cartoon today I began thinking about whether or not I was a Phineas & Ferb kind of mom, and I think that I have been from time to time but I am striving not to be.

Now you may be thinking, what do I mean am I a Phineas & Ferb kind of parent? What I mean when I say that is are we so caught up in doing the mundane every day tasks of living that we are completely clueless about what is going on in our kids lives? How often do we hear our kids fighting and react without actually knowing the full story? If you remember a few posts back I posted about how angry J is and what I was going to do about that.One of the biggest things I have realized since posting about that is that I really didn't have the full picture. You see J is smack dab in the middle of O and M who think they have the best ideas ever and everyone should just do what they say and J often gets lost in the mix. M and O are such outgoing, fun loving kids whereas J is a loner who likes to be left alone in his own space with his own toys doing his own things. Since I have been watching more and more I have seen that J is not so much angry all the time, but is frustrated because no one will just leave him alone when he asks to be left alone. Likewise I have noticed that O is quite the antagonizer who loves to pick at J until J can't take it anymore. O is probably not too happy with me being much more observant because he gets into a lot more trouble nowadays!

I also feel that sometimes our kids play so well together that it is easy to kind of tune them out and do our own thing. I am as guilty as the next person of turning on a movie for the kids and then getting lost in the wonderful world of the internet where I go from blog to blog and website to website until the movie is completely over and I didn't watch one minute of it with them. Or we get to cleaning one thing and then we just keep on going because the kids are playing so well and then before you know it it's time to put them to bed and how much do you know about what really went on with your kids that day?

How are you when you go out with your kids? Are you the mom that everyone wishes would pay a little more attention to their kids while at the park or at a playdate, or are you the mom that knows where every child is and what they were doing and are missing out on half the conversations because you are keeping an eye on your kids? Or are you somewhere in the middle? 

So if this sounds like you, what is something you can do to change? For every person it is going to be different, but one thing I have done is rearranged my house. I have brought all of the toys out of my kids bedrooms so they are forced to play out in the living and play area of the house and I can always hear what is going on. I have also brought the computer out of the office and have converted the office into a guest room / storage room so that even if I have to get on the computer I am still where my kids are and can know what is going on. I am also striving to only schedule my time for when the kids are in bed so that I do spend more time with them and focus on them more. In fact if you play Words with Friends with me at all you know that there are times when there are 2 days that go by and I haven't played because I am making a conscious effort to not get sucked into my phone and computer but am focusing more on being involved with what my kids are doing in the day.

So I challenge you this week to really pay attention to what kind of parent you are, are you a Phineas & Ferb kind of parent or do you know what your kids are doing throughout the day and actively striving to be involved in your kids lives? If you are a Phineas & Ferb kind of mom, are you o.k. with that? Does that bother you? And if it does bother you what are you going to do to change that?

Contrary to popular belief . . .

I know this may come as a shock to you but kids are people too!!! They have their own personalities, likes, dislikes, motivations and turn offs, wants, needs and perspectives. They are just like us adults . . . the only difference is that they have less life experience and smaller bodies! It always amazes me when I see adults treat complete strangers nicer than they do their own kids. How does that make sense, really?

If you were in a grocery store and a complete stranger dropped an item on the ground would you smack them? Would you yell at them? Would you make a scene and insist they pick it up? Probably not because it would be embarrassing and rude, instead you would probably pick up the item think nothing of it, or you would ignore that the item was on the floor because it isn't your problem and keep on shopping. Yet how often do you see parents getting upset with their children for doing just that in the stores or at home on a daily basis?

How about if you were at work and you were working on an important project and your coworker kept interrupting you over and over again, would you yell at them? Would you threaten to lock them in their office? Would you tolerate the interruptions over and over again and put your career in jeopardy because you don't want to hurt their feelings? Or would you set aside a few minutes to answer your coworkers question or listen to their problem and then politely explain to them that while you would love to sit and chat all day you unfortunately don't have the time to do that so maybe after you finish up your project you could talk more. Yet how many times a day do you get upset and yell at your kids for interrupting your TV show, or your Facebook time, or reading a book? Things much less important than doing a major project at work and yet we are kinder to a person who may be in our life for a few years and never see them again than we are to our children who will be a part of our life for forever, how is that o.k.?

Think about how you would feel if every decision in your life was made by someone who was older than you and therefore had more authority on your physical and emotional needs and wants than you do? When you use the authoritarian parenting style that is exactly what you are doing . . . you are refusing to acknowledge that your child is capable of making their own choices and sometimes it is o.k. for your child to be their own boss - you just need to teach them how to do that by giving them opportunities and choices that are appropriate and show them the same respect we expect them to show us.

Now think about how you would feel if you really wanted your spouse/significant other to show some interest in your life and be an active participant in the conversations, frustrations, and wonders of your life. And sometimes when you didn't know what the best thing to do was they could be there to teach you and talk you through it instead of ignoring you or letting you figure it on your own? How would you feel if you asked your significant other to be your biggest cheerleader when it came to losing weight and help you stay strong and focused and the first few days they were great but eventually they got tired of your complaining about how hard it was so they stopped? How loved and appreciated would you feel? Well when you are a permissive parent that is exactly what you are doing to your children - you are letting them know that they are not worth your time, energy or dedication to teach them what they need to know in order to be successful in life. How is that o.k.?

Our children didn't ask for us to be their parents . . . BUT WE ASKED FOR THEM TO BE OUR CHILDREN! We have a responsibility to them that no one else on earth has, and that is to provide a safe, secure, and loving home where they are treated with love, kindness, and respect - even more than what we would give to a friend, a stranger, a boss, or a coworker. They are reliant on us to help them know how truly amazing they are and can be, it is our job as parents to raise our children to their highest potential and we cannot do that by giving up on our discipline plans, by using wooden spoons to motivate them, to teach them that they must be afraid of us in order for them to obey us. It is our job to teach them how to be obedient because it is the right thing to do, that it is o.k. to make mistakes, we all do, to teach them that they are part of a team and every player has a role and if one player isn't playing the team will fail.

We can only do those things if we acknowledge that our children are people just like us, but with smaller bodies and a brighter future and we respect them the same way we would respect another adult.

"Bernard Malamud once wrote, 'respect is what you have to have in order to get'" Active Parenting Now by Michael H. Popkin.

I challenge you to watch how you treat your children, people you brought into this life, compared to the adults in your life and make any adjustments that you need to make so you are treating your children better than the people who will be in our lives for a moment as opposed to a lifetime.

Authoritative Parenting: The Assertive Parent

Have you read the other parenting styles and felt that neither of them are you? Then you may be the authoritative parent. This parent is in the middle of the doormat and the dictator. They give their kids freedoms but also limits  and the limits are explained to the children in a way that they can understand and therefore are more inclined to follow.

The authoritative parent:

• Runs their home like a democracy
• believe that "children are treated with dignity and respect, even when [being disciplined]"*
• Believe that "children are entitled to respectfully express their thoughts and feelings to their parents"*
• Negotiates and compromises with children

Some examples of an authoritative parent are:

• Before mom makes breakfast she asks Annie what she would like for breakfast, pancakes or french toast. Annie thinks about it and tells her mom that she would like to eat french toast. Mom then makes french toast for breakfast and Annie happily eats her breakfast.
• Annie makes a mess in the living room and doesn't want to clean up the room. Mom tells Annie that she can either clean up her toys when she is done or mom will clean them up and Annie will not be able to play with them until Annie shows her mom that she can clean up after herself, it is her choice. Annie chooses to clean up the toys because she doesn't want to earn them back, Annie's mom then tells her thank you for making a good choice and cleaning up the toys.
• Bedtime is approaching and Annie is happily playing with her toys. Mom tells Annie that she may play for five more minutes and then it will be time to get ready for bed. Annie says "o.k. mom." Mom comes back five minutes later and tells Annie that it has been five minutes and it is time to clean up toys and get ready for bed. Mom allows Annie to decide the order of the bedtime routine -pj's on first, then brush teeth, then read a story that Annie picks out and mom approves, then prayers and tuck into bed. Because Annie was involved in the decisions that led up to bedtime she is content to lay down and go to sleep. 

Some of you may have read those examples and thought - "yeah right, no kid makes that many good choices without a fight in a day" but I can guaranteed you that if you go to a home where the parents run the home as though it was a democracy then you will find children who obey their parents not because they are afraid but because they want to, or at least understand the need to be obedient even though they might not want to at the time.

Children who have authoritative parents learn:

• That there are real reasons for doing things and they are capable of understanding those reasons
• Their input is valuable
• They are capable of reasoning and being reasonable

These children:

• Are able to think for themselves
• Become problem solvers
• Are very sociable and have positive social relationships
• Know how to cooperate with others
• Know how to lead and follow when necessary
• Have high self esteem
• Are highly motivated and therefore become High Achievers
• Are positive and happy kids
• Are curious

If you haven't guessed by now this is the "amazing" parent. They understand that children are not slaves or masters and that parents are not slaves or masters either. Their home is a home where everyone has a voice and individuality is more important than conforming. The parents recognize that their children have their own likes/dislikes and strengths and weaknesses. They also realize that they are the parent and therefore they have a responsibility to provide for the child's needs, but they provide for those needs in a way that is individual to their own family. It is a home where respect is not demanded but is given to the children and then expected to be returned. They are willing to be the "bad guy" but do it in a way that the children understand the reason behind it. You will not hear the words, "because I said so" in this home. Children are welcome to question the adult's decisions and express their feelings towards them, but they understand that they will not always have it their way.

The key to this type of parenting is that the parents are assertive and they are teaching their children to be assertive.

If you want to know if this is the type of parent you are then ask yourself if you ever:

• "involve your children in deciding who will do which family chores
• give her the full responsibility of her homework, monitoring her just a little
• show an active interest in her education by discussing her subjects with her regularly and attending school functions
• involve her in the discipline process by talking with her about your expectations and the consequences for breaking agreements
• letting him know what you like about him and encouraging him often
• talking with him about topics - such as drug use, sexuality, and violence - in a calm and non-judgmental manner."*

Also if you find yourself saying to your kids:

"I know you're disappointed, but you can't go. Here's why . . ."
"Sure we can talk about it. What's your idea?"
"I know you can handle it. But if you need some help, just let me know."*

Often times I have friends tell me that this is the type of parent they are, but then as I watch them with their children it becomes very clear to me that while they might have an idea of becoming this type of parent they are still very much another parenting style. In fact, the majority of parents I personally know are not this parenting style but are more like the permissive parent or authoritarian parent. Sure they give their kids choices but the choices are not choices that the child would like, or they are not involving their children in decisions that directly affect their child's life but rather are giving them routines that the parent has decided is appropriate for their child.

Now that you know all three parenting styles I am very curious to know which one you think you are and why you feel that is you. 

The assertive or authoritative parent is the type of parent ALL parenting books strive to teach parents to be because the children who are raised in this manner grow up to become amazing adults, this is the parenting style that is used in my home and hopefully through your reading of this blog you will learn to use this parenting style in not only raising your children but in your marriage and work relationships!

*Quotes taken from the book: Active Parenting Now by Michael H. Popkin Parents Guide which you can buy here

Authoritarian Parents: The Dictator

Before reading this post I want you to make the same commitment as you did with the Permissive Parenting post, commit to look inside yourself to determine whether or not this is you, as you read this do not think about it being like anyone else, only yourself.

Have you ever said "I am the boss of my house" or what about "What I say goes" or "My kids will behave"? Do you find yourself constantly yelling and spanking your kids? If so you are using the authoritarian parenting style. Some examples of this parenting style are:

• Mom makes pancakes for breakfast and Annie doesn't want to eat pancakes for breakfast.  Mom tells Annie, you will eat your pancakes and you will not leave this table until every last bite is finished even if it takes all morning.
• Annie makes a mess in the living room and leaves it. Mom wants Annie to clean her mess and when Annie refuses mom yells, spanks, grounds, or physically makes Annie pick up her mess.
• Annie doesn't want to go to bed and keeps coming out of her room, mom yells at Annie, Annie keeps coming out and mom spanks Annie, and tells her she will go to be right this minute.

 These parents believe that they must be in control at all times and their children will do what is expected of them. They are very involved parents because they want to ensure their children are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing at all times. They place high value on obedience and tend to have a lot of rules that are made by the adult. The rules the parents make are based on what the adult has determined as appropriate behaviors and on maintaining the adults control. Often times the parent operates in absolute terms and views the child's behavior in black and white terms and therefore do not always see the reason behind the misbehavior. The parents standard is always right and they rarely explain their reasons to their children, they are the parent and that is all the explanation that is needed. These parents tend to be more aggressive in their discipline and do not have problems with following through with their disciplines. They discipline by using physical punishment, yelling and time-outs. While these parents are great in the sense that they are willing to be consistent, involved, and diligent they are too strict and too controlling for children to really grow under their reign. These types of parents typically are more abusive than the other types of parents, whether it is through physical or emotional abuse.

These children tend to:

• Have low self-esteem
• Don't think for themselves - they either conform or become defiant
• Have poor social relationships
• Are not truly happy
• Are not high achievers
• Are followers
• Become rebellious teenagers

This parenting style has been the "norm" for centuries and is therefore the most common type of parenting, and it worked very well when the world didn't focus so much on equality for all, but now that the world is no longer so unequal it works very poorly for raising children. While the parent is getting what they want - what are the children getting?

If you are unsure if this is you as a parent ask yourself if you have ever said or done the following:
"Because I'm the parent and I said so!"
"As long as you live under my house, you will obey my rules"
"When you are the parent, you can decide what to do"
Have you ever picked out your teenagers clothes?
Are you angry or yelling often at your kids?
Do you ground or punish your older (ten and above) children?

If you answered yes to a majority of the above you are an authoritarian parent. Still unsure? Ask your kids who is the boss and if they say you/ your spouse then you or your spouse is an authoritarian parent!

Permissive Parenting: The Doormat

Before you read this post I want you to commit to do the following, I want you to commit to truly look at yourself and see if this is the type of parent you are and not read this and think oh this is totally my sister/mother/friend. Too often we see the faults of others instead of truly reflecting on ourselves. You cannot become the best parent for your child if you refuse to look within yourself and see where your strengths and shortcomings come from. 

Have you ever known a family where the child got everything they wanted and there was little to no discipline? This type of parenting is visible from birth - where the baby literally takes over the parents life and what baby wants, baby gets, up to the teen years where the parents literally have absolutely no control over their teenagers life. This type of parent has literally given complete control of the household to the children in their home. Some examples of Permissive Parenting situations are as follows:

• Mom makes pancakes for breakfast, Annie doesn't want pancakes so she cries, screams, throws the food on the floor or silently refuses to eat the pancakes. Mom then begs and pleads with Annie to please eat the pancakes, to which the child still refuses to do and so mom asks Annie what she would like to eat for breakfast, Annie says french toast and even though there is a perfectly fine breakfast of pancakes on the table mom makes french toast for Annie
• Annie makes a huge mess in the living room, mom tells her to clean up, Annie doesn't want to so she doesn't so mom cleans the mess because it is just easier for her to clean than to fight with her daughter over the mess.
• At bedtime Annie refuses to go to bed and it is a constant battle every night to keep Annie in her bed and go to sleep peacefully and before she can go to sleep she must have her blanket, a bedtime story, a drink of water, her special blanket, her bed made a certain way, etc etc and mom and dad accomodate all of her demands because otherwise she just won't go to sleep.

These are only a few of the examples of a permissive parent, but the principle is the same in all of them, mom and dad must make adjustments all day to keep their child happy and content and the child gets whatever they want. These parents (whether consciously or subconsciously):

• Believe that the power that they have comes from the power that their child gives them
• They believe that their child is capable of directing their own life
• They use very little discipline
• They believe that what their child wants is very reasonable
• Avoid establishing AND maintaining control
• They make excuses to others for why their child's behavior is acceptable
• They are "martyrs" and often ask advice from others on how to be better with their kids - but don't follow through on the advice and eventually their friends and family members no longer want to be around them.

Children of these parents are "brats" for lack of a better word because they have been raised to be "brats." They act on their impulses and desires and have absolutely no self control. These children do what they want, when they want and if they can't then everyone better watch out because a massive tantrum will ensue, by the way teenagers are just as capable of throwing tantrums as toddlers they just look different. These children tend to be low achievers unless it is something they want to do. They do not want to take care of themselves (refuse to tie their own shoes or get a job) because they know mommy and daddy will do it for them. These children have a hard time with rules because they have been taught that they can be challenged and if they throw a big enough fit they can get the rules to change. These children tend to be more aggressive because it pays off with their parents . . . if they don't get their way they act out until they do.

Permissive parents eventually blow up at their kids because they can't handle all of the demands the child is putting on the parents and therefore they become more controlling, but because it is too hard to maintain that control and therefore they go right back to giving in to their child's demands.

Permissive parenting is in my opinion the lazy way to parent. These parents don't want to take the time or the energy to discipline their kids because it is inconvenient for them, or they are too busy trying to be their kids best friend, or they are too involved in their own life and wants to put their kids needs above their own. Often times these parents just don't want to be the bad guy, but because they are not teaching their kids that life is full of disappointments and it isn't always fun and games they are actually becoming the bad guy.

We all know someone who is a permissive parent, I personally know several of them, the question is are you a permissive parent? If you are still unsure if this is you test yourself: do not do anything different with your kids than you normally do throughout the day and as you interact with your child watch how you react to their demands and watch how they react to your demands - do you find yourself giving in to their demands more than they are giving in to yours. Still unsure? Ask someone close to you who you can trust to be honest with you and ask their opinion or leave a comment and tell me about your day to day life with your kids and I will help you.