The other day I was catching up on my shows and I was watching an episode from Supernanny that is the inspiration for this post. On this particular episode it was a military family with four adopted children. The children all had come from other countries and had very traumatic lives before they were adopted and because of this the mom didn't want to over discipline for fear of making the children feel unloved. Her husband had been deployed to Afghanistan and so she was raising these children as a single mom.
In this episode the mom showed Jo (that's Supernanny's name in case you didn't know) that instead of putting her kids in time-out she would put their toys in what she called "toy jail." Jo was flabbergasted by this and basically made fun of the mom for putting the toy in time out and not the kid. Jo then taught the mom the Supernanny's way of time out which is putting the kid on a naughty stair for a set length time that is based on the child's age and every time the kid gets off the stair the timer starts all over and after the child has sat through the time limit quietly they then talk to their child about what they did wrong and the punishment is over.
This is not necessarily a "bad" thing except for the fact that you are really relying on a child's comprehension skills for this to be an effective way to eliminate a behavior and it can be way overused. I personally do not believe in time-outs in the traditional way that many people do and I do put toys in "time-out" if that is what you want to call it.
Parents typically begin employing the time-out form of discipline at around the age of 2 because well let's face it 2 yr olds are "terrible." They are terrible because they are finally figuring out that they can say no and they can do things for themselves and they have a very hard time understanding that even though they are becoming a big kid and are able to do a lot for themselves there are still a lot of things that they cannot do for safety reasons or because it is time to do something else. One of my biggest struggles with my 2 yr old is transitioning from one activity to the next. He gets in his mind that he wants to play cars when it is time for bed and therefore he becomes very upset and very frustrated and takes out that frustration by either screaming, hitting, throwing the cars or by completely ignoring my requests to clean up and get ready for bed. Now I could put him in time-out because he isn't listening to my words, he is hurting others or he is refusing to clean but what do you think is going through his mind while he is sitting in time-out for 2 minutes? I can't say for sure what he is thinking about because I am not in his mind, but knowing that 2 yr olds are egotistical and don't think beyond themselves and their immediate wants and needs I am going to make an educated guess and say that they are probably thinking about how crappy it is that they are in time-out and not so much about why they are there. 2 yr olds also have a very hard time thinking about the "past" or even the future and tend to think more in terms of right this minute. A 3 yr old is much more capable of processing the facts and understanding the fact that they are in time out because they made a bad choice however this is not the most effective way to discipline kids in my opinion.
I prefer to discipline my kids by the use of logical and natural consequences (this will be a post for another day) over time-outs. My kids toys get taken away when they choose to not clean them up, when they choose to play with them improperly (throwing them, using them to hit others) and also when they are fighting over a specific toy. Along with the toy being taken away is an explanation to them about why their toy was taken away. For example, M and J both want to play with a Woody doll (from Toy Story in case you were wondering) and neither one is willing to let the other one play with it first so they are fighting. I will tell them that they need to figure out who gets to play with it first or else no one will be able to play with it. They then have an opportunity to make a better choice and resolve the issue on their own by working out how they are going to share a toy. I always give them atleast 2 - 3 minutes to figure it out before I intervene, and will only intervene earlier if the fight becomes violent. If they choose to continue fighting then I will walk over and take the toy and tell them that because they chose not to agree on how to share the toy I am choosing for them and no one gets to play with it. I will then take the toy and put it where none of them can reach it. If they get upset I tell them that I gave them plenty of time to decide how to share it and they chose to fight instead and therefore no one gets it. I don't put them in time out for not sharing because I don't think it is the most effective of teaching them how to share.
The only time I will put my child in "time-out" is when they are so upset that there is no way I will be able to talk to them and they just need to cool down for a minute and then I will take them to their room and tell them that when they are calm and ready to talk to me in a polite and respectful way then they can come out. I don't set a timer, I just close the door and walk away. When they are calmed down they will come out and then I will talk to them about whatever is upsetting them and help them figure out a way to handle the situation. Sometimes they are in their room for less than 30 seconds and sometimes they are in their room for thirty minutes it just depends on them and how long they feel they need to calm down. For my 2 yr old I put him in his bed and because he doesn't understand come out when you are calm I wait for him to stop crying and then I get him out because I know he is now calmed down. I feel that everyone including adults needs time to get away from the situation and calm down before they can reasonably deal with an upsetting situation and my kids have heard me say that mom needs a time out and have watched me go into my room lock the door count to ten or a hundred and come back out a lot more levelheaded than I was before my time out. My kids also know that they can send us to our rooms when we lose our cool (this is mostly my husband for yelling when we have a rule to not yell in our house).
What are your thoughts on time-outs? Do you use them and find them effective and if you use them what is your time-out procedure?
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Birthdays
This past month we celebrated two birthdays, my oldest daughter turned 6 and my youngest son turned 2. Because of this I have been thinking a lot about celebrating birthdays and all of the different ways that people choose to celebrate birthdays. My husband and I both have VERY different opinions on how we should celebrate them and I must admit that my husband has made more concessions than I have in this department. A lot of our attitudes stem from our childhood and how our parents treated our birthdays.
My husband's family is not gift oriented people at all. My mother-in-law thinks that getting flowers is a waste of money because they are just going to die and is much more appreciative of a person weeding her garden than giving her flowers. On top of them not being gift people they also didn't have a lot of money and so their birthdays consisted of cake and ice cream and a small gift. They didn't have a bunch of people over either, it was just his parents and siblings celebrating most of the time. Aunts and uncles didn't give gifts and didn't come over for the birthday celebration. The gifts also were not extravagant, one year his sister received a jar of pickles for her birthday. However, as small as the celebration was and as few as the gifts they received their mom made sure they felt special (or embarrassed?) on their birthday by singing Happy Birthday to them either on the school bus or on the baseball field.
My family celebrated birthdays very differently. My family is a much more gift oriented family and even though we were also dirt poor my parents made sure we received a nice birthday gift for our birthday. We had friends over for small birthday parties where it was nothing extravagant, mostly us playing around the house and having cake and opening presents. My aunts and uncles and grandparents sent us cards with money for how old we were and we would occasionally get together for cousin's birthdays and have big parties. We went over to our friends houses for slumber parties and other birthday parties. My parties were never as big or as fun as my friends, and often my parents would take my birthday money for gas or groceries and so even though they tried it was more often than not that our birthdays left us feeling unimportant and unloved.
Now take both of those pasts and you can see why it is such a struggle for my husband and I to come to an agreement on how birthdays should be celebrated. Here is how we have decided to compromise on the issue. We have a set budget for each birthday and if we want to give our kids a birthday party then the cost of the party comes out of that budget. We also do spending money every week where each week we take out a set amount of money and that is the money we use for groceries and clothes and going out to eat and whatever other miscellaneous things we want to buy, so if I have extra spending money I can use that to spend more on the birthday if I want. My husband still thinks it is unnecessary for my kids to have big birthday parties but because they are budgeted for already I get to throw them and make them as big or as small as I want. This past month we didn't have big parties for our kids because I am 8 months pregnant and my husband just had hernia surgery so for the 2 yr old it was just my husband and I and our three kids and we did things that we knew O would like, and it was really nice to have that family time - but he is also 2 and could care less about his birthday and is just ecstatic about the Toy Story book he received. My daughter is older and cares a lot more about her birthday then O does and it was harder for me to not give her party where she received a lot of presents and got to play with friends. We had a few people over for cake and ice cream and gifts and it was a whirlwind of craziness and within an hour everyone had come and gone and I felt like my daughter got screwed on feeling special for her small party. She still had fun and received nice gifts, but it wasn't like her previous birthdays.
My husband and I got into quite a heated discussion after her party about how I felt about the attitudes of the guests and the gifts that she received and it made me curious to know what other people think about their kids birthdays and how they celebrate it. So I am asking you to leave a comment and let me know how you celebrate your kids birthdays and how you handle giving gifts to other kids and other family members!
My husband's family is not gift oriented people at all. My mother-in-law thinks that getting flowers is a waste of money because they are just going to die and is much more appreciative of a person weeding her garden than giving her flowers. On top of them not being gift people they also didn't have a lot of money and so their birthdays consisted of cake and ice cream and a small gift. They didn't have a bunch of people over either, it was just his parents and siblings celebrating most of the time. Aunts and uncles didn't give gifts and didn't come over for the birthday celebration. The gifts also were not extravagant, one year his sister received a jar of pickles for her birthday. However, as small as the celebration was and as few as the gifts they received their mom made sure they felt special (or embarrassed?) on their birthday by singing Happy Birthday to them either on the school bus or on the baseball field.
My family celebrated birthdays very differently. My family is a much more gift oriented family and even though we were also dirt poor my parents made sure we received a nice birthday gift for our birthday. We had friends over for small birthday parties where it was nothing extravagant, mostly us playing around the house and having cake and opening presents. My aunts and uncles and grandparents sent us cards with money for how old we were and we would occasionally get together for cousin's birthdays and have big parties. We went over to our friends houses for slumber parties and other birthday parties. My parties were never as big or as fun as my friends, and often my parents would take my birthday money for gas or groceries and so even though they tried it was more often than not that our birthdays left us feeling unimportant and unloved.
Now take both of those pasts and you can see why it is such a struggle for my husband and I to come to an agreement on how birthdays should be celebrated. Here is how we have decided to compromise on the issue. We have a set budget for each birthday and if we want to give our kids a birthday party then the cost of the party comes out of that budget. We also do spending money every week where each week we take out a set amount of money and that is the money we use for groceries and clothes and going out to eat and whatever other miscellaneous things we want to buy, so if I have extra spending money I can use that to spend more on the birthday if I want. My husband still thinks it is unnecessary for my kids to have big birthday parties but because they are budgeted for already I get to throw them and make them as big or as small as I want. This past month we didn't have big parties for our kids because I am 8 months pregnant and my husband just had hernia surgery so for the 2 yr old it was just my husband and I and our three kids and we did things that we knew O would like, and it was really nice to have that family time - but he is also 2 and could care less about his birthday and is just ecstatic about the Toy Story book he received. My daughter is older and cares a lot more about her birthday then O does and it was harder for me to not give her party where she received a lot of presents and got to play with friends. We had a few people over for cake and ice cream and gifts and it was a whirlwind of craziness and within an hour everyone had come and gone and I felt like my daughter got screwed on feeling special for her small party. She still had fun and received nice gifts, but it wasn't like her previous birthdays.
My husband and I got into quite a heated discussion after her party about how I felt about the attitudes of the guests and the gifts that she received and it made me curious to know what other people think about their kids birthdays and how they celebrate it. So I am asking you to leave a comment and let me know how you celebrate your kids birthdays and how you handle giving gifts to other kids and other family members!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
How I handle power struggles
Every household has power struggles. It can be over when a child goes to bed, whether they clean their room up or not or when they have to do their homework, every day there are power struggles that go on in the home. These power struggles can make or break your day and can greatly affect your attitude towards your kids and other peoples attitudes towards your kids. No one likes a kid who gets whatever they want because they tend to be brats and no one likes a kid who thinks they don't have to respect other adult's or other people's homes because their parents don't make them. What I have found to be the most successful and effective way to handle a power struggle is to refuse to engage in them.
The number one thing I tell myself is that I am the adult and therefore it is my responsibility to keep my cool. Kids are still trying to figure out everything about being human and that includes controlling their emotions so as long as I remind myself that they are still learning it is easier for me to place myself in the role as teacher instead of being the boss of my home. As I have talked to other parents it seems like this is where they struggle the most, they get so frustrated that their kid is challenging their authority that all they want to do is show the kid who is boss. It is either that or they become so intimidated by the situation and are afraid of becoming the bad guy that they give in to the child's demands just to "shut them up" and then they wonder why their kids don't listen. So when you feel your back getting up and the need to flex your parenting muscles put yourself in the role of teacher and it will become a ton easier.
The next thing I do is figure out what I need to teach my kids in that moment. One of the biggest power struggles I recently went through with J was getting him to clean up his messes. It was always too hard and too messy to do it and he wanted me or his sister to do the work for him. He would literally walk into the playroom and just lay there and complain about how hard it was to clean up and he just wanted to play. Believe me it was very frustrating and there were plenty of times where I would get so beyond frustrated that I would lose my cool and yell at him until he was cleaning because he was scared and not because it was the right choice to make at the time. That is the key to parenting and if you can really get the importance of that your life will be so much better - the key is to teach children to make good choices not because they are scared or expect something in return but because it is the right thing to do. K back to J cleaning. What I needed to teach J in this power struggle was that because he chose to make a mess he needed to clean it up and that when his chores were done he would be able to have fun and play.
Now that I knew what I needed to teach him I needed to figure out the best way to teach him that - and that is not by giving in and cleaning up for him or by spanking him and yelling at him for not cleaning. Now I have different principles for cleaning based on where the mess is. Typically the consequence for not cleaning up your mess is that I will clean it up and it will go in a box in the garage where you have to earn it back however we have a playroom in our house that I know J is not the only one who messes up, in fact my 2 yr old O makes the biggest messes in there but he just turned 2 and he is not developmentally able to clean up the entire playroom and I refuse to punish siblings for the mistakes of other siblings so I had to get creative. J loves games, especially video games and for Christmas we bought him the Toy Story 3 Wii video game. He absolutely loves this game so I used this game as a motivator to teach J to clean up without a power struggle. M and J have to have their rooms and the playroom clean and all toys and books out of the living room and kitchen before they are allowed to play video games so when they would ask to play the Wii I would ask them what the rule was and they would both say they had to clean . . . and I would then say o.k. when you finish cleaning up let me know and I will turn the game on for you. The key word there is WHEN, when is my absolute favorite word as a parent because it says so many things in only four letters, it implies that it is not negotiable but is expected to be done, it puts the power in their hands because they get to choose when the task will be accomplished not if it will be accomplished - seriously get rid of the word if and replace it with when and your world will change immensely!
The final step is to follow through! This is the key, once you give the child their choice it is up to them to figure out how to make that choice and up to you to leave them to it. In this case M and J have a choice to either not clean up and not be able to play video games or to clean up and be able to play video games, it is completely up to them. Now just like I don't believe in punishing one sibling for another sibling's choice I will not reward one sibling for another siblings work. M my almost 6 yr old learned a long time ago that I mean business when I give a choice and that her life is so much easier when she chooses to make the right choice so immediately she gets to work and within thirty minutes she would have the playroom, her room and J's rooms cleaned up while J watched her and did nothing to help, so guess what M would be able to play the video game and J would have to watch and not be allowed to touch a wii remote. While M was playing the game I would reinforce to J that it was his choice to not clean up and therefore he chose to only be able to watch. I made it very clear to him that it was his choice. It only took about three days of that happening before J realized he needed to start cleaning up or he wouldn't be able to have the fun that his sister was having and now every morning after he is dressed and fed breakfast he immediately cleans up the living room, his room and the playroom so that he can play video games - the best part about it is that my husband and I don't even have to ask, he will just come up to me and say Mom I am going to clean up so I can play the video game and I say o.k. thanks. Don't believe me? Come over to my house at 9 a.m. and you will see my 4 yr old boy busting his butt cleaning up every toy and book in the house so he can play.
So here are the steps again:
1. Keep your calm, refuse to engage in the power struggle and put yourself in the role of teacher
2. Figure out what lesson your child needs to learn - whether it is that bedtime is at 8 no matter what or that mom is not a short order cook and they will eat what they are served
3. Decide on the best way to teach them that lesson through giving them choices and putting the power in their hands
4. Follow through!!! Even if you feel like you are being the bad guy believe me it is worth every minute of that follow through.
The number one thing I tell myself is that I am the adult and therefore it is my responsibility to keep my cool. Kids are still trying to figure out everything about being human and that includes controlling their emotions so as long as I remind myself that they are still learning it is easier for me to place myself in the role as teacher instead of being the boss of my home. As I have talked to other parents it seems like this is where they struggle the most, they get so frustrated that their kid is challenging their authority that all they want to do is show the kid who is boss. It is either that or they become so intimidated by the situation and are afraid of becoming the bad guy that they give in to the child's demands just to "shut them up" and then they wonder why their kids don't listen. So when you feel your back getting up and the need to flex your parenting muscles put yourself in the role of teacher and it will become a ton easier.
The next thing I do is figure out what I need to teach my kids in that moment. One of the biggest power struggles I recently went through with J was getting him to clean up his messes. It was always too hard and too messy to do it and he wanted me or his sister to do the work for him. He would literally walk into the playroom and just lay there and complain about how hard it was to clean up and he just wanted to play. Believe me it was very frustrating and there were plenty of times where I would get so beyond frustrated that I would lose my cool and yell at him until he was cleaning because he was scared and not because it was the right choice to make at the time. That is the key to parenting and if you can really get the importance of that your life will be so much better - the key is to teach children to make good choices not because they are scared or expect something in return but because it is the right thing to do. K back to J cleaning. What I needed to teach J in this power struggle was that because he chose to make a mess he needed to clean it up and that when his chores were done he would be able to have fun and play.
Now that I knew what I needed to teach him I needed to figure out the best way to teach him that - and that is not by giving in and cleaning up for him or by spanking him and yelling at him for not cleaning. Now I have different principles for cleaning based on where the mess is. Typically the consequence for not cleaning up your mess is that I will clean it up and it will go in a box in the garage where you have to earn it back however we have a playroom in our house that I know J is not the only one who messes up, in fact my 2 yr old O makes the biggest messes in there but he just turned 2 and he is not developmentally able to clean up the entire playroom and I refuse to punish siblings for the mistakes of other siblings so I had to get creative. J loves games, especially video games and for Christmas we bought him the Toy Story 3 Wii video game. He absolutely loves this game so I used this game as a motivator to teach J to clean up without a power struggle. M and J have to have their rooms and the playroom clean and all toys and books out of the living room and kitchen before they are allowed to play video games so when they would ask to play the Wii I would ask them what the rule was and they would both say they had to clean . . . and I would then say o.k. when you finish cleaning up let me know and I will turn the game on for you. The key word there is WHEN, when is my absolute favorite word as a parent because it says so many things in only four letters, it implies that it is not negotiable but is expected to be done, it puts the power in their hands because they get to choose when the task will be accomplished not if it will be accomplished - seriously get rid of the word if and replace it with when and your world will change immensely!
The final step is to follow through! This is the key, once you give the child their choice it is up to them to figure out how to make that choice and up to you to leave them to it. In this case M and J have a choice to either not clean up and not be able to play video games or to clean up and be able to play video games, it is completely up to them. Now just like I don't believe in punishing one sibling for another sibling's choice I will not reward one sibling for another siblings work. M my almost 6 yr old learned a long time ago that I mean business when I give a choice and that her life is so much easier when she chooses to make the right choice so immediately she gets to work and within thirty minutes she would have the playroom, her room and J's rooms cleaned up while J watched her and did nothing to help, so guess what M would be able to play the video game and J would have to watch and not be allowed to touch a wii remote. While M was playing the game I would reinforce to J that it was his choice to not clean up and therefore he chose to only be able to watch. I made it very clear to him that it was his choice. It only took about three days of that happening before J realized he needed to start cleaning up or he wouldn't be able to have the fun that his sister was having and now every morning after he is dressed and fed breakfast he immediately cleans up the living room, his room and the playroom so that he can play video games - the best part about it is that my husband and I don't even have to ask, he will just come up to me and say Mom I am going to clean up so I can play the video game and I say o.k. thanks. Don't believe me? Come over to my house at 9 a.m. and you will see my 4 yr old boy busting his butt cleaning up every toy and book in the house so he can play.
So here are the steps again:
1. Keep your calm, refuse to engage in the power struggle and put yourself in the role of teacher
2. Figure out what lesson your child needs to learn - whether it is that bedtime is at 8 no matter what or that mom is not a short order cook and they will eat what they are served
3. Decide on the best way to teach them that lesson through giving them choices and putting the power in their hands
4. Follow through!!! Even if you feel like you are being the bad guy believe me it is worth every minute of that follow through.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Who's the boss?
In my experience 99% of behavior problems are power struggles. Kids want to feel like they have power over their life and parents like to be in control of their child's life and therefore you get power struggles.
Here is an overview of what a power struggle looks like:
Here is an overview of what a power struggle looks like:
- Child’s basic belief: I am significant only when I am the boss.
- Child’s attitude: “you can’t make me,” “I must have what I want,” “I must be able to do what I want.”
- Child does: stubborn, disobedient, temper tantrum, bossy, argue, uncooperative, has to be first, has to always win, manipulative, do opposite of what they are told.
- Adult feels: very frustrated, mad, angry, embarrassed – more intense feelings
- Child’s response: continue without stopping or gets worse.
- Appropriate Response: AVOID POWER STRUGGLES! You have two choices, you can either ignore it or give the power if it is unimportant. The most important thing is to refrain from getting angry and if you get in a fight take yourself out of it. Use natural consequences as mush as possible; for example, a child refuses to wear a coat when it is cold outside so they get cold. Give children choices.
When giving choices say:
- You may do ________ or ________ you decide
- I’m sorry, that’s not one of the choices
- When you _______ then you may _______
What you can’t say: If you________ then you may ________; Don’t do that or else . . .
Choices have to be stated positively! Child will get angry and then you empathize so the child feels that you care and the power is still in their port and they can make a different choice next time.
Always take each instance for what it is and don’t use past experiences!
Give children appropriate such as jobs, choices, have them be a helper, and say yes
when they want something and it really is okay – is finishing that bowl of cereal
really worth the fight?
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Examples of Attention Seeking behaviors
Every child wants and needs attention from their parents. It is actually crucial to their survival for parents to give their children positive attention every day of their lives. Because it is so crucial to their well being children will do whatever it takes to get the attention they desire from their parents. So what are some negative ways children seek attention? Here are just a few examples:
1. Playing with their food while eating dinner because they know you are going to tell them not to
2. Being the "class clown"
3. Being the over helper, the child who wants to do everything they can to help you out (this is actually a negative thing even though it seems to be very helpful)
4. The child who cries over everything because they know mom will stop what she is doing and comfort them
5. The child who always needs help even though you know they can do it.
6. The child who won't leave your side
These are just some of the ways a child can seek attention, the main way to know if it is attention seeking behavior is based on how you react to the behavior. If you are slightly annoyed or mildly frustrated then it is most likely attention seeking behavior.
How to get children to stop seeking attention in a negative way? Well it sounds easier than it is but the absolute best way to stop this behavior is to ignore the behavior. Ignoring means you completely ignore it, your body language, what you say about it, everything about yourself is to completely ignore the behavior. This is incredibly hard to do because the behavior is annoying but you have to give absolutely no reaction to the behavior and consistently give no reaction to the behavior before the misbehavior will stop. If you ignore it five times but then you just can't take it anymore and you give attention to it, the child has now learned that if they do it five times then you will pay attention to them so guess what they will continue doing the behavior. It takes 15 CONSECUTIVE TIMES of ignoring a behavior before a child will stop doing it. Consistency and completely ignoring the behavior are two of the most effective ways to get rid of the behavior.
On top of ignoring the behaviors it is also extremely important to make sure you are giving your children lots of positive attention to your kids throughout the day. I have three kids who get along extremely well - of course there are days when they hate each other - and I attribute a lot of that to the fact that when I see them playing well together I comment on it and tell them how much I love seeing them play nicely together! I also am constantly aware of how I am spending my time. Did I spend the entire day cleaning and working on the computer? Did I take time throughout the day to play with my kids - even if it was only for a few minutes? I have found that the more positive attention I give my kids the less I have to deal with the negative ways my kids seek attention.
1. Playing with their food while eating dinner because they know you are going to tell them not to
2. Being the "class clown"
3. Being the over helper, the child who wants to do everything they can to help you out (this is actually a negative thing even though it seems to be very helpful)
4. The child who cries over everything because they know mom will stop what she is doing and comfort them
5. The child who always needs help even though you know they can do it.
6. The child who won't leave your side
These are just some of the ways a child can seek attention, the main way to know if it is attention seeking behavior is based on how you react to the behavior. If you are slightly annoyed or mildly frustrated then it is most likely attention seeking behavior.
How to get children to stop seeking attention in a negative way? Well it sounds easier than it is but the absolute best way to stop this behavior is to ignore the behavior. Ignoring means you completely ignore it, your body language, what you say about it, everything about yourself is to completely ignore the behavior. This is incredibly hard to do because the behavior is annoying but you have to give absolutely no reaction to the behavior and consistently give no reaction to the behavior before the misbehavior will stop. If you ignore it five times but then you just can't take it anymore and you give attention to it, the child has now learned that if they do it five times then you will pay attention to them so guess what they will continue doing the behavior. It takes 15 CONSECUTIVE TIMES of ignoring a behavior before a child will stop doing it. Consistency and completely ignoring the behavior are two of the most effective ways to get rid of the behavior.
On top of ignoring the behaviors it is also extremely important to make sure you are giving your children lots of positive attention to your kids throughout the day. I have three kids who get along extremely well - of course there are days when they hate each other - and I attribute a lot of that to the fact that when I see them playing well together I comment on it and tell them how much I love seeing them play nicely together! I also am constantly aware of how I am spending my time. Did I spend the entire day cleaning and working on the computer? Did I take time throughout the day to play with my kids - even if it was only for a few minutes? I have found that the more positive attention I give my kids the less I have to deal with the negative ways my kids seek attention.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Pay attention to me!
Parenting is busy work. I have yet to meet a parent who isn't busy. Whether you are busy taking care of your kids, or you work out of the home, or even in the home for that matter, or you just can't say no to people and find yourself busy with a variety of things all day long, it doesn't matter, parents are busy! I find myself often get so caught up in everything that I have to get done, like cleaning and cooking and serving in my church that I forget to pay attention to what my kids are doing until they force me to pay attention to them, and not in a good way usually!
One of the more common and frustrating misbehavior of a child is attention getting misbehavior. This is also the least understood misbehavior, I call it the garbage pail misbehavior, meaning most parents will say that their child is misbehaving because they want attention - when it actually is something else. In fact I bet most of you think that a tantrum is a child trying to get your attention, when it isn't that at all, that is a power struggle!
Here is an explanation of attention getting behavior in a nutshell.
Child’s Basic Belief: I have significance only when others are paying attention to me.
Child misbehaves by: showing off, nuisance, cry, overly sensitive, being slow to do something, forgetful, overly helpful, overly charming, brown – noser.
Adult Feels: frustrated/annoyed – relatively mild
Wrong response: as soon as adult reminds, gives sympathy – behavior is reinforced.
Child’s response: child stops because they got what they wanted.
Appropriate Response: Ignore – unless it involves safety. Be consistent and have your total body language relaxed and ignore the behavior. It will take at least 15 consecutive times of ignoring a behavior before behavior will stop so hang in there! The minute you pay attention to the behavior the child’s mistaken belief has been reinforced and the behavior will continue.
I am interested to get some feedback from you on what specific things you think a child does that is attention getting based on those few notes and tomorrow I will post some specific examples on what it looks like.
One of the more common and frustrating misbehavior of a child is attention getting misbehavior. This is also the least understood misbehavior, I call it the garbage pail misbehavior, meaning most parents will say that their child is misbehaving because they want attention - when it actually is something else. In fact I bet most of you think that a tantrum is a child trying to get your attention, when it isn't that at all, that is a power struggle!
Here is an explanation of attention getting behavior in a nutshell.
Child’s Basic Belief: I have significance only when others are paying attention to me.
Child misbehaves by: showing off, nuisance, cry, overly sensitive, being slow to do something, forgetful, overly helpful, overly charming, brown – noser.
Adult Feels: frustrated/annoyed – relatively mild
Wrong response: as soon as adult reminds, gives sympathy – behavior is reinforced.
Child’s response: child stops because they got what they wanted.
Appropriate Response: Ignore – unless it involves safety. Be consistent and have your total body language relaxed and ignore the behavior. It will take at least 15 consecutive times of ignoring a behavior before behavior will stop so hang in there! The minute you pay attention to the behavior the child’s mistaken belief has been reinforced and the behavior will continue.
I am interested to get some feedback from you on what specific things you think a child does that is attention getting based on those few notes and tomorrow I will post some specific examples on what it looks like.
We survived the past two weeks!
Well we survived my husband's surgery and our life has returned back to normal. My husband is back to work and I am back to blogging and taking care of my amazing kids. One thing I really noticed as my husband was healing was how amazing my kids were at understanding that their needs were not my number one concern but that didn't mean I didn't love them, it just meant I needed to take care of daddy and then them. It also helped to have a great support system of family and friends who could watch my kids for a few hours so I could take care of him and myself. I know my brother in law doesn't realize it, but he did me the greatest service by ditching basketball to help me out, and I was able to take a shower and not have to worry about anything but getting clean. That was huge for me.
Speaking of my kids understanding I have to share a story about my priorities as my husband was healing. On the first day after my husband's surgery my 4 yr old J came in my room and wanted me to turn on a video game for him and get him a drink of milk at the same time my husband needed me to go get him his pain pills and something to eat. As I was walking out of my room with J I was explaining to him that he would have to wait because daddy's needs were my number one priority and his needs were my number two priority. My five year old heard me say that and immediately said, "Well then where am I?" I didn't realize she heard what I said to J so I told her that she obviously was in the living room, and she goes, "No mom, I mean if J is number 2 and D is number 1 what am I?" I then had to explain to her that all my kids were included in my number 2 priority and none of them were more important than the other two. After that they were so good at being patient and waiting until I finished helping T before I helped them.
This week I am going to be focusing on why kids misbehave and for me I have found that if you can truly understand this concept then life as a parent becomes a TON easier, so ask questions and share examples so you can all help each other understand the concept better!
Speaking of my kids understanding I have to share a story about my priorities as my husband was healing. On the first day after my husband's surgery my 4 yr old J came in my room and wanted me to turn on a video game for him and get him a drink of milk at the same time my husband needed me to go get him his pain pills and something to eat. As I was walking out of my room with J I was explaining to him that he would have to wait because daddy's needs were my number one priority and his needs were my number two priority. My five year old heard me say that and immediately said, "Well then where am I?" I didn't realize she heard what I said to J so I told her that she obviously was in the living room, and she goes, "No mom, I mean if J is number 2 and D is number 1 what am I?" I then had to explain to her that all my kids were included in my number 2 priority and none of them were more important than the other two. After that they were so good at being patient and waiting until I finished helping T before I helped them.
This week I am going to be focusing on why kids misbehave and for me I have found that if you can truly understand this concept then life as a parent becomes a TON easier, so ask questions and share examples so you can all help each other understand the concept better!
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