Expectations

It seems like everyone I am close to and talk to pretty frequently is having struggles in their marriage or with their kids, including me and my spouse. I have mentioned in previous posts that we grew apart and now we are trying to rebuild and reconnect and it is easier said than done. There are a LOT of conversations about our situation and why we are where we are, how to improve and what is bugging us right now. As I have been thinking a lot about myself, my relationship with my spouse, my kids, and my friends I have realized that there is a recurring theme over and over again in my thoughts and that is, what do I expect from them and from myself in those relationships.

My husband is a great guy and very helpful . . . on things he thinks needs to be done. For example, one day there were literally about 8 baskets of washed laundry that needed to be folded and put away and it was obvious that I was pretty stressed out and trying to get a lot done and when my husband woke up that day instead of saying, "Hey I can see you have been working hard all day so let me fold this laundry for you" he went outside and spent an hour cleaning up the backyard, taking care of the dogs, and sweeping the pool that we are no longer able to swim in because it is too cold. He then had to rush to get ready for work and eat dinner and then left for work leaving me with those 8 baskets of laundry, plus the dishes from dinner, plus the responsibility of making dinner, and taking care of our four children and well you get the idea. The main problem was not so much that he left the laundry unfolded, it was that I expected him to help around the house but didn't vocalize that expectation and therefore he was unable to meet that expectation.

Let's apply this to kids. How often do you expect your children to behave well at the store only to get there and have them try escaping you, scream when they don't get what they want, knock things off the shelf, etc. Or do you expect them to come home from a long day of school and immediately sit down at the table and work on another hour of homework only to have them come home and fight you every step of the way.

The problem is not the behavior of the people in our lives the problem is our expectations and the way we are expressing them. Sometimes we expect too much from people, other times we expect too little. So how do you set the right expectation? The main thing is to look at the individual and their own special circumstances. Is it reasonable to expect a two year old to share his toys with other two year olds? NO, two year olds do not share! You can help them to share, you can involve yourself in their play to ensure they share with others but to expect them to immediately be o.k. with sharing with another kid is setting yourself up for disappointment. If you are aware of the fact that two year old don't share, or that a fourteen year old believes they know everything about life and you know nothing, then when they behave in that manner you aren't disappointed or frustrated (well maybe a little frustrated) but instead you can focus on ways to help them be the best two yr old or fourteen yr old or even 50 yr old they can be. Now this is going to go against what I just said, BUT, it is important to set expectations high so people can stretch and grow to reach that expectation, but you also have to find what you are o.k. with until they reach your expectation. For example, I expect my children to grow up to become well behaved, smart, respectful adults and therefore I am going to teach them how to become that but am not going to become upset or disappointed when my child behaves like a normal 6 yr old, 5 yr old or 2 yr old. Does that make sense?

The other thing you do not want to do is set your expectations too low - because wherever you set your expectations people will meet them (as long as they are reasonable and they know what those expectations are). If you expect your child to disobey you then they will. If you expect your children to be lazy then they will be. If you expect your husband to act like your father then he will. If you expect your friends to take advantage of you then they will. Whatever you expectations you set people will meet them!

I encourage you to really think about and write down what you expect from the people in your life, especially from those who seem to be disappointing you the most. Are your expectations reasonable? Are they attainable for the person you expect it from? Have you expressed these expectations to those people and discussed them with each other? If not, do it! There are so many more things I can post about expectations so keep an eye out for more on this subject!

Time and the importance of it

What if in five minutes from now there was a freak accident and your child who you just yelled at died. How would you feel if this morning you frantically rushed to get your kids ready for school and you lost your temper and spanked them and then on the way to school there was an accident and your child died? How would you feel if your child kept begging you to play with them and you just couldn't find the time because there were too many other things to do and then they no longer could play with you because they were gone from this life.

I apologize for the morbidity of this post, but I want to know, do you really realize how fragile life is? Do you truly appreciate the fact that in an instant your child could be gone? I do and that is why I have the patience that I have. That is why I am quick to say I'm sorry to my child and show them how much I love them. Some people make fun of me because they say I live in fear, but I don't live in fear. I know what it is to lose someone in an instant and because of that I do not take this life or my child's life for granted. Imagine the difference in your parenting if you knew today would be the last day you could hold your child in your arms, or hear their sweet laugh, or watch them learn something new. Would you be a different parent than you were yesterday? Would you be kinder? More patient? More involved? More understanding? Cherish the moment right now with your children because you will never get it back once it's gone.

Motherhood is a calling

Found this printable on Pinterest check it out here!

The other day I read this amazing article about the worlds view of being a parent and our attitudes and thought I would share it here with you. I have been struggling lately with finding the right balance of time for the Lord, my spouse, my kids, myself and everything else in my life and I feel like this article was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. I love how it talks about how becoming a mother is like a kind of dying, a dying of ourselves, but also a chance to live a better life than ever possible without becoming a mother. I always tell my friends who are having their first child to not try to rush having that baby too soon because they will never ever not be a parent again, and to cherish those last days of just having to worry about yourself. I don't mean this in a bad way at all, it is just a reality! Once you hold your newborn baby or the adoption becomes legalized that person is tied to you forever. There will never again be a moment in your life where you don't think about that child and whether you are doing enough.

I often hear women comment on how they have lost themselves because of being a mom and I always think, no you have found a new you! You have discovered a you that is (hopefully) unselfish, responsible, compassionate, patient, a teacher, a friend, a counselor, a cheerleader, a supporter and a million more things. Somewhere over the past year I have lost sight of that and became focused on me more than my family and over the past two months as I have refocused my priorities and obligations and have removed the fog that was over my brain I have found a new joy in my life!

I have found that as I put my kids and God first I find that I am less interested in "me" time and more interested in time with them. Earlier today was my definition of perfect as M & J were at school and O, N, and I were cuddling on the couch and singing "EIEIO" (aka Old McDonald had a Farm) over and over and over and hearing the laughs from O and N as we tickled and made funny animal songs. Then later after school was over and N was down for a nap, T was helping J and M with homework, I was folding laundry and O was laying at my feet I just felt a peace and joy to be a part of this family I helped create. I am disappointed in myself that I lost sight of that. I strongly encourage you to read the article, it is very short, and really internalize what it says and see where you can improve!

Everything is a choice

For those of you who do not know I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and twice a year we have what is called General Conference where we hear great and inspiring messages from the Prophet and apostles of our church. I absolutely love General Conference and I always hear exactly what I need to hear while watching it. One of the talks given was all about choices and I don't remember the exact quote or even who gave the talk so for my fellow church member if you remember please leave a comment so i can give credit and the exact quote. Anyways, he said something along the lines that we don't arrive at our destiny by chance but by the choices we make.

I knew this already, I teach this to my children on a regular basis, but for some reason when he said those words it was like a glass of ice cold water was thrown in my face and I stopped and took stock on the choices I was making. I thought about how often my kids would ask me to play with them and I would tell them after I cleaned up something or after I finished reading the chapter (which sometimes ended up being after I finish this book) or after I finish this show or . . . well you get the picture. I laid there and thought about all the choices I had been making in my life lately.

I then began thinking about how this applies to being a parent and a spouse. How often do we give our children choices and expect them to make the correct choices but then we make the poor choice? Did you know that it is your choice to get angry or frustrated with a screaming 2 yr old or you can choose to stay calm and help teach that screaming 2 yr old how to properly channel their emotions? Did you know it is your choice to lose your temper or to keep your head? Did you know you can choose to teach your children to behave appropriately through love and being an example rather than through fear?

You choose what kind of parent you will be and only you. It isn't your mom or dad or your spouse or your best friend or your church leader. It is you and only you! So ask yourself what kind of parent do you want to be? Do you want your children to be afraid of you? Do you want your children to always feel loved and cherished? Do you want to be a patient, kind, but firm mom? Do you want to be a doormat? Do you want to be their boss? Do you want to be their friend, their confidant, or their enemy? The choice is yours to make and yours alone and your actions will always tell on you!


I would love for you to leave a comment stating what kind of parent or even teacher you want to choose to be and what changes you are going to have to make to be that person!

J is so angry

J is my difficult child. He didn't talk until he was 3 years old and since then he has a hard time expressing himself and M and O do not always listen to his words so he physically attacks them. I do not believe in spanking my kids and literally the only times I have ever spanked was because one of my children were putting the other child in danger - for example one time M pushed J under the water in the bath when he was a baby and without thinking I smacked her while getting J out of danger. So last night J got mad at O and was suffocating him and then tonight M didn't play the way he wanted so he choked her so he got a spanking tonight and I yelled at him pretty good and then I thought well that was genius Kim, I don't want him to hurt others when he gets upset but when I got upset I hurt him. So I started thinking about what has been going on and how I can help him resolve this issue. He has never hurt another kid outside of our family ever and I doubt he ever will, but that is not a risk I am willing to take.

After doing some serious reflecting I realized that from the time J woke up this morning until he went to bed I don't think I spent more than ten minutes focused solely on him all day, he watched TV, he played video games, he went to school, and then he came home and watched more tv and then he hurt M and then we went to a friends house and he played with friends until it was time for bed. Looking back on yesterday it was similar minus the playing with friends part and I did spend more time with him but still not a lot and I honestly feel like his aggression is a cry for attention and he feels like he isn't being listened to so here is my plan:

1. I am removing all toys from the kids bedrooms - I have noticed that it is when they are playing in their rooms unsupervised that he tends to be the most frustrated and does the most hurting, we have a playroom and so all toys are going to be in the playroom from now on and whatever doesn't fit in the playroom is getting put away for now.

2. I am banning technology! Television is nice but it is too easy for me to allow one tv show to turn in to three hours and right now we have a television with dvr in almost every room of the house so for now no more tv or video games or playing on the phone. I will wait until my kids are in school or asleep to get on the computer or watch my shows because I need to be an example to them. I will text but no more checking Facebook or blogs or forums that I hang out at all day. All of that will be done at night or while they are in school from now on.

3. I am going to spend more time one on one with J and play with them more and supervise their playing more. If this was going on in a classroom setting I would be doing a ton of observations where I note what is happening before, during and after so that is what I am going to do at home - I am going to observe and then take what I observe and teach all of my kids better ways to handle situations that come up.

4. T and I are both going to work harder at controlling our own anger. This is not easily accomplished right now since T and I are going through some pretty rough stuff as a couple and I think it bleeds over into our parenting of our kids, plus I haven't had a solid 5 hours of sleep in who knows how long so that is wearing on me and I have less patience with my kids - but it is not my children's fault for any of those things so it is my responsibility to not take it out on them.

5. I am going to talk to J more about how he is feeling - a lot of time we get angry because of cognitive distortions (that is a blog post in and of itself) so I am going to figure out what cognitive distortions he is feeling and help him redirect his way of thinking.

Some of you might be thinking that this is a little drastic and a lot of work (my hubby said it was unrealistic) but you know what I can guarantee if I do these things every day that within a month at the most J will be a completely different kid. I firmly believe that when you choose to have kids you choose to sacrifice your time and wants and desires for their sakes and waiting to teach him how to control his emotions is only going to make things worse so it is time for me to put my life on hold a bit and focus more on him and his needs. I will keep you updated on how things progress!

It wasn't me!

The other day I ran out of my pills and went to call in a refill and when I called the pharmacy said they needed to call my Dr. and verify the refill, which I thought was odd because I had just gone in last month and had my blood done and the Dr.s office supposedly called in for 3 more refills. So I asked the pharmacist about that and they said they didn't have any record of the Dr.s office calling it. I told them and I would call my Dr. and get back to them. When I called the Dr.s office I was very polite and just said that I think there was some kind of mix up and I needed her help to straighten it out. She took great offense to the fact that I would even suggest she did something wrong because she knows for a fact that she called it in and that she has it in her notes so I needed to tell the pharmacist to contact her directly. I called the pharmacy back and told them that she thought she called it in and that they needed to contact her and I gave them the number. A few minutes later the pharmacy called back and said, "We got it straightened it out, it wasn't our fault she called the wrong pharmacy and your prescription will be ready in an hour." After I hung up the phone I was a little annoyed that he made the point of saying, it wasn't us. Not once in my phone conversations did I get upset or blame anyone for the mix up I just said I need the pills and so how can we straighten this out, so why did both the receptionist and the pharmacist feel the need to put the blame on the other person, I didn't care whose fault it was I just wanted it fixed. The more I thought about it I realized that it was probably just a knee jerk reaction because we live in a world where everyone is so busy pointing the finger at everyone and assigning blame that nothing is done to fix it.

Take our economic disaster for instance. Is it the home-owners fault because everyone bought houses they couldn't afford on crappy loans and then walked away from their homes which crashed the market. Or is it the banks fault because they refuse to work with people and let them lock in interest rates even though they are upside down in their house, and the banks funded the crappy loans to people who couldn't afford it. Or is it the politicians fault for allowing the loans to be legal and then on top of that spending a ridiculous amount of money trying to fix the problem but didn't fix the problem instead made it worse? I personally think it is everyone's fault the economy is so crappy, it is the banks, the homeowners, and the politicians because they all made choices that added to the problem. The problem is that the country is so busy pointing the finger and trying to assign blame that nothing is getting done to fix it and we need it fixed!


Then you have the adults who blame everyone else for why their life is so screwed up. It's your mom's fault you are such a terrible mother, it's your dad's fault you have trust issues, it's the banks fault the check bounced, it's your friends fault the relationship fell apart, its your husbands fault you are so miserable, its your bodies fault you are overweight. You have no control over your life whatsoever it is always someone else's fault. Right . . . WRONG! It's your fault, sure those people might contribute to the situation but how you react is what determines your life not them. You are in charge of you and your fate, your happiness, your success, your pain everything is from you and NO ONE ELSE.

The same goes for parenting. How many times a day are you asking your children if they did something, i.e. did you hit your brother? Who spilled the milk? Who lost the remote? Did you put your clothes away? Who threw the ball that broke the vase? I know I do it and I am resolving right now to stop! It doesn't matter who did it, the fact is that it happened and now what are we as a family going to do to fix it? I think when it comes to kids it is almost always two peoples fault for things happening - the parents and the kids.

For example, the other day M, J, and O were bouncing a ball in the house. I was watching them bounce the ball and didn't think anything of it until the ball bounced and hit a decoration I had on a shelf and the decoration broke. Now it is both the kids fault because they threw ball, but it's also my fault because I allowed them to bounce the ball in the house and blaming the kids doesn't fix or clean up the broken decoration. Not only does blaming not help fix a problem, but I also think it causes more fights among the kids. When you are constantly looking for the culprit it puts the kids on the defensive and they will automatically throw their siblings under the bus. Wouldn't you rather teach your kids to be united and know that they can trust each other and get each others back? Plus aren't you tired of being the bad guy?

So here is what I have been doing to stop the blame game, I am no longer asking the question, "who did it?" Instead I am simply asking for help to fix it. For example, the other day one of my kids decided to get ll of the board books off the bookshelf and leave them all over the floor right in front of the bookshelf and the kids doors. I didn't care who made the mess all I wanted was the mess picked up. I knew that all of the kids had been playing in their rooms and hallway for most of the day so I told them that they needed to pick up the books and put them back on the shelf before going to bed, I also expressed that I wanted them all to work together and because I wasn't watching them when they made the mess I helped them clean up as well. Guess what, not once did I hear, but I didn't make the mess! All that happened was my kids saw me willing to help and they all dove right in and helped clean and in all honesty the only help I gave was helping straighten the books on the bookshelf because it's pretty hard to get books on nicely when you are 6, 5, or 2 yrs old!

So my challenge for you is to stop asking who did it, and stop placing blame on everyone else in your life this week and see what a difference it makes!

Motivational Monday: I didn't sign up for this . . .

I am going to change direction of this blog a little bit, don't worry it will still be focused on parenting advice but I am going to have it be more focused. Every Monday is going to be a post directed at parents specifically. A lot of parenting issues stem not from our children but from ourselves as parents so expect Mondays to be more for you!

My first installment of Motivational Monday is going to be directed at my LEAST favorite expression among parents and that is that "they didn't sign up for this!" I cannot tell you how many times I hear this from so many people, in fact in the last two weeks I have had multiple friends on Facebook make this their status and it boggles my mind that people would say this. I don't understand where this thought process comes from, maybe they haven't been exposed to hardships from children as much as others, or maybe they really just thought life with kids wouldn't be that difficult and trying, or they just like to complain about how hard it is, either way I am hear to tell you that the minute you chose to have a baby you signed up for all of the drama, hardships, frustrations, joy, happiness, fulfillment, and love that comes from being a parent!

I think I have never thought this because compared to a lot of other people my life is pretty easy going. Of the 6 living kids in my family 4 of us have kids and I am the only one who so far does not have a child with special needs, I have 2 nephews with autism, 2 nephews with FASD - one of which doesn't have fingers on his left hand, and 1 nephew with speech and other learning disabilities. So for me the little issues that come with parenting, like a sick kid, or a kid who cries non-stop for hours on end, or difficulty finding a babysitter or good friends for them are nothing compared to my siblings who have it so much harder than me. I am also very aware of how fragile life is, my youngest brother passed away when he was 3 1/2 years old from an accident so I know that any moment could be the last moment I have with that child before something fatal or life changing could have with them. Having that perspective makes it so I never think I didn't sign up for this, instead I think it could be so much worse.


So here is a list of things you sign up for when you have kids - and anyone can leave comments adding to this list in case I forget something

Sleepless Nights - kids wake up in the middle of the night for a variety of reasons - scared, hungry, sick, peed the bed, the list goes on and on and so getting a god nights sleep is nonexistent from the moment the child is born till they move out of your house. Enjoy the good nights you get but don't be shocked and complain over the bad ones, it comes with being a parent


Sickness - kids get sick, they puke, they have runny noses, they break bones, they get nasty coughs, they get rashes and as heartbreaking as it is - unless your child doesn't have a serious disease - it will pass, it is part of parenting and you will deal with it and then move on. Yes it is hard to see your kid sick, it breaks your heart but welcome to parenting, it is hard.

Attitude - everyone has one, including you, so get used to it and learn how to teach your kids to control their attitudes, but dishing your attitude back at them is not going to make it any better.


Messes - kids make messes, it is how they learn, they never outgrow it, just ask a parent of a teenager, all you can do is teach them to clean up after themselves and accept that sometimes life is messy and that's why we have washers, vacuums, and mops!

Noisy - kids don't come with mute buttons, unfortunately sometimes, and the more fun they are having the louder they get. Also the more their needs aren't being met the louder they get so invest in a good pair of ear plugs and don't attempt to watch TV when the kids are awake.

Your wants are second to theirs - Parenting equals sacrifice and there are going to be things that you are going to miss out. You are going to miss parties if your kids are sick, you're going to have less free time, you're not going to be able hang out with your friends, you're not going to be able to go out as a couple as much as you did before you had a baby, you're life now revolves around your kids and their needs and while your needs are important there will be times when your needs come second and theirs come first.


This is just a small list of things you sign up for when you are a parent that I have found most people complain about, and there are a whole lot more that I can't think of because I have a newborn baby and I am drugged up so if you would like to add any feel free.

While everything I listed are all negatives there are a thousand more good things you sign up for when you choose to be a parent and I choose to treasure the good things because I know there is opposition in all things and in order for me to really love my children I know there has to be some bad thrown in with the good. It is all in our attitude!

Contrary to popular belief . . .

I know this may come as a shock to you but kids are people too!!! They have their own personalities, likes, dislikes, motivations and turn offs, wants, needs and perspectives. They are just like us adults . . . the only difference is that they have less life experience and smaller bodies! It always amazes me when I see adults treat complete strangers nicer than they do their own kids. How does that make sense, really?

If you were in a grocery store and a complete stranger dropped an item on the ground would you smack them? Would you yell at them? Would you make a scene and insist they pick it up? Probably not because it would be embarrassing and rude, instead you would probably pick up the item think nothing of it, or you would ignore that the item was on the floor because it isn't your problem and keep on shopping. Yet how often do you see parents getting upset with their children for doing just that in the stores or at home on a daily basis?

How about if you were at work and you were working on an important project and your coworker kept interrupting you over and over again, would you yell at them? Would you threaten to lock them in their office? Would you tolerate the interruptions over and over again and put your career in jeopardy because you don't want to hurt their feelings? Or would you set aside a few minutes to answer your coworkers question or listen to their problem and then politely explain to them that while you would love to sit and chat all day you unfortunately don't have the time to do that so maybe after you finish up your project you could talk more. Yet how many times a day do you get upset and yell at your kids for interrupting your TV show, or your Facebook time, or reading a book? Things much less important than doing a major project at work and yet we are kinder to a person who may be in our life for a few years and never see them again than we are to our children who will be a part of our life for forever, how is that o.k.?

Think about how you would feel if every decision in your life was made by someone who was older than you and therefore had more authority on your physical and emotional needs and wants than you do? When you use the authoritarian parenting style that is exactly what you are doing . . . you are refusing to acknowledge that your child is capable of making their own choices and sometimes it is o.k. for your child to be their own boss - you just need to teach them how to do that by giving them opportunities and choices that are appropriate and show them the same respect we expect them to show us.

Now think about how you would feel if you really wanted your spouse/significant other to show some interest in your life and be an active participant in the conversations, frustrations, and wonders of your life. And sometimes when you didn't know what the best thing to do was they could be there to teach you and talk you through it instead of ignoring you or letting you figure it on your own? How would you feel if you asked your significant other to be your biggest cheerleader when it came to losing weight and help you stay strong and focused and the first few days they were great but eventually they got tired of your complaining about how hard it was so they stopped? How loved and appreciated would you feel? Well when you are a permissive parent that is exactly what you are doing to your children - you are letting them know that they are not worth your time, energy or dedication to teach them what they need to know in order to be successful in life. How is that o.k.?

Our children didn't ask for us to be their parents . . . BUT WE ASKED FOR THEM TO BE OUR CHILDREN! We have a responsibility to them that no one else on earth has, and that is to provide a safe, secure, and loving home where they are treated with love, kindness, and respect - even more than what we would give to a friend, a stranger, a boss, or a coworker. They are reliant on us to help them know how truly amazing they are and can be, it is our job as parents to raise our children to their highest potential and we cannot do that by giving up on our discipline plans, by using wooden spoons to motivate them, to teach them that they must be afraid of us in order for them to obey us. It is our job to teach them how to be obedient because it is the right thing to do, that it is o.k. to make mistakes, we all do, to teach them that they are part of a team and every player has a role and if one player isn't playing the team will fail.

We can only do those things if we acknowledge that our children are people just like us, but with smaller bodies and a brighter future and we respect them the same way we would respect another adult.

"Bernard Malamud once wrote, 'respect is what you have to have in order to get'" Active Parenting Now by Michael H. Popkin.

I challenge you to watch how you treat your children, people you brought into this life, compared to the adults in your life and make any adjustments that you need to make so you are treating your children better than the people who will be in our lives for a moment as opposed to a lifetime.