It seems like everyone I am close to and talk to pretty frequently is having struggles in their marriage or with their kids, including me and my spouse. I have mentioned in previous posts that we grew apart and now we are trying to rebuild and reconnect and it is easier said than done. There are a LOT of conversations about our situation and why we are where we are, how to improve and what is bugging us right now. As I have been thinking a lot about myself, my relationship with my spouse, my kids, and my friends I have realized that there is a recurring theme over and over again in my thoughts and that is, what do I expect from them and from myself in those relationships.
My husband is a great guy and very helpful . . . on things he thinks needs to be done. For example, one day there were literally about 8 baskets of washed laundry that needed to be folded and put away and it was obvious that I was pretty stressed out and trying to get a lot done and when my husband woke up that day instead of saying, "Hey I can see you have been working hard all day so let me fold this laundry for you" he went outside and spent an hour cleaning up the backyard, taking care of the dogs, and sweeping the pool that we are no longer able to swim in because it is too cold. He then had to rush to get ready for work and eat dinner and then left for work leaving me with those 8 baskets of laundry, plus the dishes from dinner, plus the responsibility of making dinner, and taking care of our four children and well you get the idea. The main problem was not so much that he left the laundry unfolded, it was that I expected him to help around the house but didn't vocalize that expectation and therefore he was unable to meet that expectation.
Let's apply this to kids. How often do you expect your children to behave well at the store only to get there and have them try escaping you, scream when they don't get what they want, knock things off the shelf, etc. Or do you expect them to come home from a long day of school and immediately sit down at the table and work on another hour of homework only to have them come home and fight you every step of the way.
The problem is not the behavior of the people in our lives the problem is our expectations and the way we are expressing them. Sometimes we expect too much from people, other times we expect too little. So how do you set the right expectation? The main thing is to look at the individual and their own special circumstances. Is it reasonable to expect a two year old to share his toys with other two year olds? NO, two year olds do not share! You can help them to share, you can involve yourself in their play to ensure they share with others but to expect them to immediately be o.k. with sharing with another kid is setting yourself up for disappointment. If you are aware of the fact that two year old don't share, or that a fourteen year old believes they know everything about life and you know nothing, then when they behave in that manner you aren't disappointed or frustrated (well maybe a little frustrated) but instead you can focus on ways to help them be the best two yr old or fourteen yr old or even 50 yr old they can be. Now this is going to go against what I just said, BUT, it is important to set expectations high so people can stretch and grow to reach that expectation, but you also have to find what you are o.k. with until they reach your expectation. For example, I expect my children to grow up to become well behaved, smart, respectful adults and therefore I am going to teach them how to become that but am not going to become upset or disappointed when my child behaves like a normal 6 yr old, 5 yr old or 2 yr old. Does that make sense?
The other thing you do not want to do is set your expectations too low - because wherever you set your expectations people will meet them (as long as they are reasonable and they know what those expectations are). If you expect your child to disobey you then they will. If you expect your children to be lazy then they will be. If you expect your husband to act like your father then he will. If you expect your friends to take advantage of you then they will. Whatever you expectations you set people will meet them!
I encourage you to really think about and write down what you expect from the people in your life, especially from those who seem to be disappointing you the most. Are your expectations reasonable? Are they attainable for the person you expect it from? Have you expressed these expectations to those people and discussed them with each other? If not, do it! There are so many more things I can post about expectations so keep an eye out for more on this subject!
Showing posts with label Spouses. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spouses. Show all posts
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
It takes two
Let me start off by saying that parenting is a lot of work and I admire all of the single parents out there who are working every day to not only put a roof over their child's head and food in their bellies, but also giving their child the time and attention they need and taking care of all of the responsibilities of a home and a family on their own, I don't know how you do it and I give you mad props for what you do!
With that being said, most kids have two parents - whether they live together or are divorced - and those two parents need to find a way to work together in raising their children. I grew up in a home where when my dad was home he was the boss and we wouldn't dare step one toe over the line or we risked getting a serious butt whipping and the minute he was gone my mom would say do whatever he isn't here to stop you just don't tell him I let you go play or do whatever. My mom was in a hard spot because she wasn't strong enough to really stand up to him and say that he was out of line because my dad was "the head of the household" and yet she saw how unjust his discipline was and wanted to make it up to us kids, and because of this parenting dynamic there were a lot of mixed feelings and messages and a lot of resentment on everyone's parts. It was really bad with my younger brother and he is paying the consequences for that now, because the message was sent to him early on that mommy would take care of everything and ignore everything your father said, because the minute he went to work she would let him cave. He is now 18 years old, is a high school drop out, no ged, no license, no job and very little understanding about how the real world works. Believe me when I say it doesn't do your kids any good to not have mom and dad on the same side working together to raise their children.
With that being said, it is often easier said than done to get parents to agree on a set way of parenting their children. As I mentioned before we all have pasts and were raised very differently and therefore we all have different ideas on what works and what doesn't work and we all have different views on what matters the most. The key to working together is to bring those ideals to the table and really discuss them with each other and come up with a plan that works. And in order for this to really work, both parents have to be open-minded to the ideas of the other parent and respectful to each other. Just because parents are divorced it doesn't mean they cannot find a way to work together in raising their children. Here are some things that I have found work best in my relationship and hopefully they will work in yours as well.
1. What is my attitude towards my spouse? This is the number one most important aspect of any successful relationship - what is our attitude towards that person and what do we expect from them? I have friends whose husbands dictate a lot of the aspects in their life - like how much tv they can watch, whether they can go out with friends or not, how much time they can spend on the computer - and the only reason it is like that is because those friends have chosen to place their spouse and father of their children in the role of master of the house and he is the head of the house and that is all there is too it. I then have friends who refuse to be under a man's heel and therefore go to the extreme of micromanaging all of the details in their home to ensure things are done their way and their husbands don't have much to worry about except for go to work come home and eat. Then you have people like me - and I will say a majority of my friends are like this - where I look at my husband as my partner in everything, he is not above me and I am not above him. He is not smarter than me and I am not smarter than him. I look at him as a teammate whose opinions and values are just as important as mine and he knows that I will support him and I know he will support me. I never ask my husband "permission" for anything. I let him know my plans for the week, he lets me know his and if there are conflicts we work together to figure out how to make it work. My husband would never dream of telling me I wasn't allowed to do something because he wouldn't want me to do the same to him. There is a quote given by an LDS prophet that our marriage is based on and I think it is the foundation to having a good working relationship as parents, the quote is,
"Women was taken out of man - not to be trampled underfoot, but out of his side to be equal to him . . . under his arm to be perfected and near his heart, . . . to be loved." President David O. McKay
I love this quote because it really shows that we as women were not sent to men to be their slaves or their mothers, but to be their partners and if we have that attitude towards them when deciding how to raise our children and they have that attitude towards us, then things are a lot easier to figure out and compromise on than if you are not equals in your relationships.
2. How I approach the issue is key! I have a lot more knowledge about the "right" way to raise a child than my husband does because of my degree and the fact that I read more parenting books and articles than he does, but I will never approach him with a concern I have in a way that reflects I know more than he does. If I have an issue or a concern that I need to address with my spouse, it is done in a way that promotes communication and open-mindedness and encourages him to share his opinions and thoughts and together we come up with a solution. Here is how a typical parenting discussion goes in our home.
Concern: T is yelling at the kids more than I feel is necessary.
Me: Hey I feel like WE have been yelling at our kids a lot lately, in fact the other day M asked me something and then immediately covered her ears because she thought I was going to yell at her, and I really don't like that, I think it is something I need to work on to be better at, how do you think you are doing with yelling?
T: I hadn't really thought about it, but now that you mention it I have been yelling a lot lately. I just get so frustrated when they don't listen or they are bothering me.
Me: I get bothered too, I just think that there has to be a better way to express OUR frustrations without resorting to yelling, what do you think WE can do instead?
T: I don't know, I guess I can just try harder to not yell.
Me: well that is great in theory, but I really think WE need to decide now what WE are going to do instead of waiting until WE are frustrated and want to yell to try to figure it out.
T: That's a good point, well I guess instead of yelling I could . . .
And the conversation follows that path until we have come up with a plan that works for both of us. This doesn't necessarily have to be something I want T to be better at, it could be a behavior issue I notice in our kids like J only wanting to watch TV and play video games, or deciding on a bed time routine that works for both of us - are we going to read one story per kid (that's 3 stories a night) or just one story, are we going to have a bath every night or every other night? Do the kids get to have sippies and snacks in their room or is that a no no?
Notice the emphasis on we and our, by using those two words it lets him know I genuinely want his opinion and input and I view it as a joint issue and not attacking him. T definitely feels like the majority of the parenting decisions falls on my shoulders because I am with the kids more than him, but he needs to be aware of my discipline plans and my routines so that when he is home our kids lives aren't disrupted and they can't play us and so I ALWAYS include him in all parenting decisions because if he isn't willing to do something it will not be as effective as both of us doing it together.
3. Compromise is essential! I know that I will not always get the final say in a discussion about raising kids because different things are important to me than to my husband. For the most part my husband and I have the same ideals and there isn't much need for compromise but every now and then we disagree and one of us has to budge. In order for us to do that in a way that doesn't leave the other person bitter we will ALWAYS ask the other person, "why is that so important to you?" This gives me so much insight into my husband and his past and the way he thinks and vice versa and that is how we will decide on who is going to compromise, if his reason is just that he doesn't want to do it and my reason is that I have read up on it and all the research shows that children who do . . . are more likely to do . . . then I win. If it is important to him because he feels as a father it his responsibility to teach . . . then he wins. It is never that because he is the head of the house, or that I am the one with the kids all day, it is more on the importance and value to each parent.
4. Respect, respect, respect! Growing up when there was a disagreement it was UGLY, let me tell you. There were a lot of unkind things said, fists thrown, objects thrown, yelling, and just a whole lot of unhurt feelings. Then I got married and had a disagreement with my husband and I didn't know what to do! He didn't yell, he listened to my arguments, expressed his thoughts in a kind, calm voice, and we just kept talking until we came to an agreement. I was in shock and I told him I didn't know how to fight with him because he didn't fight dirty. He fought with respect and never lost his cool and I have learned to be a lot more like that. Even when I get frustrated because he isn't listening to what I am trying to say or he is misinterpreting what I am saying it is never done disrespectfully, it never turns to yelling. No matter what though I know my husband cares about my opinion and I care about his.
This post is inspired by Kristine's comment about D feeling like she bosses him and hopefully this helped. In regards to putting E to bed and you and D doing different routines maybe you could sit down with D (I know easier said than done) and approach it by saying:
K: I am really frustrated with putting E to bed because you and I are doing it differently and so she uses that against me every night. I really feel like we need to come up with a bedtime routine that we both are o.k. with, so what are things you feel like we need to every night when putting E to bed?
and then let D say what he feels is most important and why it is important to him and after he has expressed his feelings THEN acknowledge that you heard what is important before saying what you feel is important. After you and D discuss you can then sit down as a family and talk to E about what the new bedtime routine is going to be and ask her if there is anything in there that she wants to add, maybe she really does need five minutes of cuddles at the end of the day because your days are so busy. Then when it comes to bedtime and she starts fighting you can say, E remember how we all sat down and agreed that this is how we were going to get ready for bed, I remember you agreed to this and I am sorry that you are not happy about it now but this is what we as a family agreed on and that is what we are going to do.
I hope that helps and let me know how it works out!
With that being said, most kids have two parents - whether they live together or are divorced - and those two parents need to find a way to work together in raising their children. I grew up in a home where when my dad was home he was the boss and we wouldn't dare step one toe over the line or we risked getting a serious butt whipping and the minute he was gone my mom would say do whatever he isn't here to stop you just don't tell him I let you go play or do whatever. My mom was in a hard spot because she wasn't strong enough to really stand up to him and say that he was out of line because my dad was "the head of the household" and yet she saw how unjust his discipline was and wanted to make it up to us kids, and because of this parenting dynamic there were a lot of mixed feelings and messages and a lot of resentment on everyone's parts. It was really bad with my younger brother and he is paying the consequences for that now, because the message was sent to him early on that mommy would take care of everything and ignore everything your father said, because the minute he went to work she would let him cave. He is now 18 years old, is a high school drop out, no ged, no license, no job and very little understanding about how the real world works. Believe me when I say it doesn't do your kids any good to not have mom and dad on the same side working together to raise their children.
With that being said, it is often easier said than done to get parents to agree on a set way of parenting their children. As I mentioned before we all have pasts and were raised very differently and therefore we all have different ideas on what works and what doesn't work and we all have different views on what matters the most. The key to working together is to bring those ideals to the table and really discuss them with each other and come up with a plan that works. And in order for this to really work, both parents have to be open-minded to the ideas of the other parent and respectful to each other. Just because parents are divorced it doesn't mean they cannot find a way to work together in raising their children. Here are some things that I have found work best in my relationship and hopefully they will work in yours as well.
1. What is my attitude towards my spouse? This is the number one most important aspect of any successful relationship - what is our attitude towards that person and what do we expect from them? I have friends whose husbands dictate a lot of the aspects in their life - like how much tv they can watch, whether they can go out with friends or not, how much time they can spend on the computer - and the only reason it is like that is because those friends have chosen to place their spouse and father of their children in the role of master of the house and he is the head of the house and that is all there is too it. I then have friends who refuse to be under a man's heel and therefore go to the extreme of micromanaging all of the details in their home to ensure things are done their way and their husbands don't have much to worry about except for go to work come home and eat. Then you have people like me - and I will say a majority of my friends are like this - where I look at my husband as my partner in everything, he is not above me and I am not above him. He is not smarter than me and I am not smarter than him. I look at him as a teammate whose opinions and values are just as important as mine and he knows that I will support him and I know he will support me. I never ask my husband "permission" for anything. I let him know my plans for the week, he lets me know his and if there are conflicts we work together to figure out how to make it work. My husband would never dream of telling me I wasn't allowed to do something because he wouldn't want me to do the same to him. There is a quote given by an LDS prophet that our marriage is based on and I think it is the foundation to having a good working relationship as parents, the quote is,
"Women was taken out of man - not to be trampled underfoot, but out of his side to be equal to him . . . under his arm to be perfected and near his heart, . . . to be loved." President David O. McKay
I love this quote because it really shows that we as women were not sent to men to be their slaves or their mothers, but to be their partners and if we have that attitude towards them when deciding how to raise our children and they have that attitude towards us, then things are a lot easier to figure out and compromise on than if you are not equals in your relationships.
2. How I approach the issue is key! I have a lot more knowledge about the "right" way to raise a child than my husband does because of my degree and the fact that I read more parenting books and articles than he does, but I will never approach him with a concern I have in a way that reflects I know more than he does. If I have an issue or a concern that I need to address with my spouse, it is done in a way that promotes communication and open-mindedness and encourages him to share his opinions and thoughts and together we come up with a solution. Here is how a typical parenting discussion goes in our home.
Concern: T is yelling at the kids more than I feel is necessary.
Me: Hey I feel like WE have been yelling at our kids a lot lately, in fact the other day M asked me something and then immediately covered her ears because she thought I was going to yell at her, and I really don't like that, I think it is something I need to work on to be better at, how do you think you are doing with yelling?
T: I hadn't really thought about it, but now that you mention it I have been yelling a lot lately. I just get so frustrated when they don't listen or they are bothering me.
Me: I get bothered too, I just think that there has to be a better way to express OUR frustrations without resorting to yelling, what do you think WE can do instead?
T: I don't know, I guess I can just try harder to not yell.
Me: well that is great in theory, but I really think WE need to decide now what WE are going to do instead of waiting until WE are frustrated and want to yell to try to figure it out.
T: That's a good point, well I guess instead of yelling I could . . .
And the conversation follows that path until we have come up with a plan that works for both of us. This doesn't necessarily have to be something I want T to be better at, it could be a behavior issue I notice in our kids like J only wanting to watch TV and play video games, or deciding on a bed time routine that works for both of us - are we going to read one story per kid (that's 3 stories a night) or just one story, are we going to have a bath every night or every other night? Do the kids get to have sippies and snacks in their room or is that a no no?
Notice the emphasis on we and our, by using those two words it lets him know I genuinely want his opinion and input and I view it as a joint issue and not attacking him. T definitely feels like the majority of the parenting decisions falls on my shoulders because I am with the kids more than him, but he needs to be aware of my discipline plans and my routines so that when he is home our kids lives aren't disrupted and they can't play us and so I ALWAYS include him in all parenting decisions because if he isn't willing to do something it will not be as effective as both of us doing it together.
3. Compromise is essential! I know that I will not always get the final say in a discussion about raising kids because different things are important to me than to my husband. For the most part my husband and I have the same ideals and there isn't much need for compromise but every now and then we disagree and one of us has to budge. In order for us to do that in a way that doesn't leave the other person bitter we will ALWAYS ask the other person, "why is that so important to you?" This gives me so much insight into my husband and his past and the way he thinks and vice versa and that is how we will decide on who is going to compromise, if his reason is just that he doesn't want to do it and my reason is that I have read up on it and all the research shows that children who do . . . are more likely to do . . . then I win. If it is important to him because he feels as a father it his responsibility to teach . . . then he wins. It is never that because he is the head of the house, or that I am the one with the kids all day, it is more on the importance and value to each parent.
4. Respect, respect, respect! Growing up when there was a disagreement it was UGLY, let me tell you. There were a lot of unkind things said, fists thrown, objects thrown, yelling, and just a whole lot of unhurt feelings. Then I got married and had a disagreement with my husband and I didn't know what to do! He didn't yell, he listened to my arguments, expressed his thoughts in a kind, calm voice, and we just kept talking until we came to an agreement. I was in shock and I told him I didn't know how to fight with him because he didn't fight dirty. He fought with respect and never lost his cool and I have learned to be a lot more like that. Even when I get frustrated because he isn't listening to what I am trying to say or he is misinterpreting what I am saying it is never done disrespectfully, it never turns to yelling. No matter what though I know my husband cares about my opinion and I care about his.
This post is inspired by Kristine's comment about D feeling like she bosses him and hopefully this helped. In regards to putting E to bed and you and D doing different routines maybe you could sit down with D (I know easier said than done) and approach it by saying:
K: I am really frustrated with putting E to bed because you and I are doing it differently and so she uses that against me every night. I really feel like we need to come up with a bedtime routine that we both are o.k. with, so what are things you feel like we need to every night when putting E to bed?
and then let D say what he feels is most important and why it is important to him and after he has expressed his feelings THEN acknowledge that you heard what is important before saying what you feel is important. After you and D discuss you can then sit down as a family and talk to E about what the new bedtime routine is going to be and ask her if there is anything in there that she wants to add, maybe she really does need five minutes of cuddles at the end of the day because your days are so busy. Then when it comes to bedtime and she starts fighting you can say, E remember how we all sat down and agreed that this is how we were going to get ready for bed, I remember you agreed to this and I am sorry that you are not happy about it now but this is what we as a family agreed on and that is what we are going to do.
I hope that helps and let me know how it works out!
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