The other day my children decided to play the game "Tangled" in J and O's room. For Christmas M received a Tangled wig so they play this make believe game a lot. Well in the movie Rapunzel paints all over her walls because she can't leave the tower so what else is she to do, right? Can you tell where this story is going? So while they are playing "Tangled" the kids have this brilliant idea to color all over the walls in J's room!
After the walls are beautifully decorated, my husband walks into the room to check on the kiddos and sees all the crayon on the walls and when he asks them who was responsible the older two point to O and said he did it. Of course they blamed the 2 year old! My husband takes them at face value and starts disciplining O while M and J sit by and watch. I have yet to see the room and am thinking it is just a little bit of coloring . . .
While we are eating dinner J then tells us that he has to be honest and says that he also colored on the wall. M then fesses up as well. I am curious now about the coloring so I go back and look and it is blatantly obvious that it was not the 2 yr old! Those stars are just a little too perfect, the word welcome on the door . . . I mean really the 2 yr old can't even draw a circle on purpose! Not only did I see who was responsible I was shocked at how much they colored on the wall, the doors, the dresser, and even the ceiling! I asked my husband if he actually looked at the coloring because then he would have known exactly who did it! We expressed to our children that we were very disappointed in them and that they would no longer be allowed to play in their rooms or have any art supplies anywhere but the kitchen.
M's a people pleaser BIG TIME and all I had to tell her was that I was disappointed and she was devastated where as the boys just thought it was fun. So I knew I needed a discipline for them to really understand that what they did was wrong. Well every Saturday we have a family fun day where we take our kids out for some fun activities and they have really come to look forward to this special time on Saturdays. So I decided that for family fun day the kids would have to scrub the crayons off of the wall, which is next to impossible with just soap and water.
Yesterday was the big day and when the kids woke up they came running in to our room and were anxious to find out what we were going to do for family fun day! I told them I had a big surprise for them and that they would find out after breakfast. While they were eating I started filling up a bowl with some dish soap and water and got out 3 washcloths. M is quick and the minute she saw what I was doing said, "Oh great we have to clean the crayon off the walls!" I was a little proud at that moment that she knew what the consequence was going to be, we do a lot of logical consequences at our house.
After breakfast I gathered the kids into J and O's room and handed them each a washcloth and told them that before we could have fun they had to get the crayon off the walls. In the beginning they thought it would be great fun, but after ten minutes of scrubbing the same spot and not having that crayon budge one bit they started getting frustrated. I left them to the cleaning while I ran to Walmart to pick up some magic erasers, because that is really the best and easiest way to get crayons off the walls. When I came back my husband told me that the kids were extremely frustrated and were repeatedly vowing that they would NEVER color on a wall again. After I gave them the magic erasers and worked with them the crayon was completely gone in fifteen minutes and we were able to have a fun family day.
I loved that I decided to not give them the easy way to clean it first, but instead had them struggle and work hard with no results. This way they learned that while it is fun to color on the walls it is not fun to clean up those walls and therefore are less likely to make that choice again.
Showing posts with label Choices. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Choices. Show all posts
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Monday, October 3, 2011
Everything is a choice
For those of you who do not know I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and twice a year we have what is called General Conference where we hear great and inspiring messages from the Prophet and apostles of our church. I absolutely love General Conference and I always hear exactly what I need to hear while watching it. One of the talks given was all about choices and I don't remember the exact quote or even who gave the talk so for my fellow church member if you remember please leave a comment so i can give credit and the exact quote. Anyways, he said something along the lines that we don't arrive at our destiny by chance but by the choices we make.
I knew this already, I teach this to my children on a regular basis, but for some reason when he said those words it was like a glass of ice cold water was thrown in my face and I stopped and took stock on the choices I was making. I thought about how often my kids would ask me to play with them and I would tell them after I cleaned up something or after I finished reading the chapter (which sometimes ended up being after I finish this book) or after I finish this show or . . . well you get the picture. I laid there and thought about all the choices I had been making in my life lately.
I then began thinking about how this applies to being a parent and a spouse. How often do we give our children choices and expect them to make the correct choices but then we make the poor choice? Did you know that it is your choice to get angry or frustrated with a screaming 2 yr old or you can choose to stay calm and help teach that screaming 2 yr old how to properly channel their emotions? Did you know it is your choice to lose your temper or to keep your head? Did you know you can choose to teach your children to behave appropriately through love and being an example rather than through fear?
You choose what kind of parent you will be and only you. It isn't your mom or dad or your spouse or your best friend or your church leader. It is you and only you! So ask yourself what kind of parent do you want to be? Do you want your children to be afraid of you? Do you want your children to always feel loved and cherished? Do you want to be a patient, kind, but firm mom? Do you want to be a doormat? Do you want to be their boss? Do you want to be their friend, their confidant, or their enemy? The choice is yours to make and yours alone and your actions will always tell on you!
I would love for you to leave a comment stating what kind of parent or even teacher you want to choose to be and what changes you are going to have to make to be that person!
I knew this already, I teach this to my children on a regular basis, but for some reason when he said those words it was like a glass of ice cold water was thrown in my face and I stopped and took stock on the choices I was making. I thought about how often my kids would ask me to play with them and I would tell them after I cleaned up something or after I finished reading the chapter (which sometimes ended up being after I finish this book) or after I finish this show or . . . well you get the picture. I laid there and thought about all the choices I had been making in my life lately.
I then began thinking about how this applies to being a parent and a spouse. How often do we give our children choices and expect them to make the correct choices but then we make the poor choice? Did you know that it is your choice to get angry or frustrated with a screaming 2 yr old or you can choose to stay calm and help teach that screaming 2 yr old how to properly channel their emotions? Did you know it is your choice to lose your temper or to keep your head? Did you know you can choose to teach your children to behave appropriately through love and being an example rather than through fear?
You choose what kind of parent you will be and only you. It isn't your mom or dad or your spouse or your best friend or your church leader. It is you and only you! So ask yourself what kind of parent do you want to be? Do you want your children to be afraid of you? Do you want your children to always feel loved and cherished? Do you want to be a patient, kind, but firm mom? Do you want to be a doormat? Do you want to be their boss? Do you want to be their friend, their confidant, or their enemy? The choice is yours to make and yours alone and your actions will always tell on you!
I would love for you to leave a comment stating what kind of parent or even teacher you want to choose to be and what changes you are going to have to make to be that person!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
from "I hate" to "I love"
In case you don't know this my family is very religious. We go to the LDS church and I serve in the primary (kids 18 months to 12 yrs old) presidency and my husband is the Elder's Quorum president (men over 18). We go to church every Sunday unless we are sick, we have family home evening after church every Sunday, we pray for every meal and at bed time and we also read our scriptures before bed. I am not telling you this to brag or to say look at me but simply to give you a picture of how our family functions in relation to teaching our children about religion.
If you have been reading this blog you know that J, my almost 5 yr old, is my difficult child and has been from birth. In our church the children begin going to nursery at 18 months - which every parent can't wait for because it means you can actually hear a lesson every once in a while in church! Well when J started going to nursery he would scream like he was dying and physically attack the nursery leaders for about 10 minutes straight then he would calm down and play. We had an amazing nursery leader who let me know that if she couldn't handle him she would gladly bring him to me and she never did. It took until he was 2 1/2 yrs old to finally walk into nursery without screaming and the reason for that was because I did the number one thing parents should never do . . . I BRIBED HIM! I told him that if he walked into nursery without crying and without attacking the teachers he would be able to pick out the movie we watched that night but if he cried or hurt the teachers I would let M pick out the movie. He was old enough at the time to start not liking the "girl movies" i.e. the princess movies so this worked wonders!
One day out of the blue he told my husband and I that he hates church and he hates Jesus - he was 3 at the time. I was shocked! What 3 yr old hates Jesus? I had never met one and I was very worried. I know how important the early years are for children and I didn't want him to hate church as a child because I knew it would only get worse the older he became. So my husband and I talked about it and we both agreed that the last thing we wanted to do was to force the church on him and try to force him to love the Savior. We went about this by not overreacting every time he told us he hated church or Jesus, we just said that's o.k. or ignored it a lot of times. He would refuse to pray but we did require him to kneel with our family to show respect. We took him to church every Sunday because as a family we attend church and as long as he lives under our roof he will attend church. Then one day I asked him why he hated Jesus so much. I was humbled by his answer, he told me, "I hate Jesus because I don't want to have to die on the cross like He did." At church the kids learn about how the Savior died for us and he took that to mean that we all had to die like the Savior and that scared him. We talked to him about how Jesus died for us so we don't have to die like he did. I didn't go too much into death and resurrection because he was only 3. From that moment on he started to begin to like Jesus a little more, it wasn't an immediate change but gradually over the next two years he has come to the decision on his own that he loves Jesus and the church and the scriptures. He is now the one to remind me about saying bedtime prayers, and about reading our scriptures and he says some of the most humbling and amazing prayers! In fact tonight we went to Sonic for dinner and I bought the kids a cherry slush and asked them to add real cherries, when we got home and he saw that they gave him 3 cherries he immediately told me that he had to say the prayer for dinner and in his prayer he thanked Heavenly Father not only for the dinner but that we were able to go to Sonic for dinner and he thanked him for his "3 cherries in his slurpee." He will take the time to thank Heavenly Father for everything he did that day, anything that he received from anyone, and for each person in our family without being coached on what to say. The other night he also got scared in the middle of the night and came running into our room crying. When I asked him why he was so scared he told me it was because he couldn't see his Jesus statue. He told me that when he can see Jesus in his room he isn't scared! What faith and what love all from a child who 2 years ago HATED everything to do with that.
So how does this apply to you? From watching him grow over the years I have learned the value of three things. The first is to be an example to your children. I could have told him that the church was good and that he had to love the Savior and never did anything myself to show him that I loved the church and the Savior. Instead I made sure he knew I felt that way by living the Gospel. The second is the importance of exposing things to children over and over and over until they like something. The third is patience and consistency, I guess that is four - but I knew that J wasn't going to change his mind overnight so I had to be patient and trust that I knew I was doing the right thing and that eventually he would figure it out for himself! So let's say your child hates eating vegetables and literally refuses to eat them but you as a parent know that vegetables are healthy and that our bodies need those nutrients what can you do? The first thing is to be an example, make sure your kids see you eating the veggies and enjoying them and second put them on their plate every night for dinner and tell them they have to eat at least 5 peas to get dessert, and eventually over time they will eat their veggies without a fight and may even love them! Oh I also learned one more thing - don't make it a fight! I didn't fight with J about his feelings, instead I told him how I felt about his feelings, i.e. "I am sad to hear that you don't like church" and then told him what was expected of him, i.e. "we go to church every Sunday and even though you don't like it, you still have to go." So whatever trial you are struggling with hang in there, be patient, be an example, be consistent, be loving, and eventually your child will learn to love it.
If you have been reading this blog you know that J, my almost 5 yr old, is my difficult child and has been from birth. In our church the children begin going to nursery at 18 months - which every parent can't wait for because it means you can actually hear a lesson every once in a while in church! Well when J started going to nursery he would scream like he was dying and physically attack the nursery leaders for about 10 minutes straight then he would calm down and play. We had an amazing nursery leader who let me know that if she couldn't handle him she would gladly bring him to me and she never did. It took until he was 2 1/2 yrs old to finally walk into nursery without screaming and the reason for that was because I did the number one thing parents should never do . . . I BRIBED HIM! I told him that if he walked into nursery without crying and without attacking the teachers he would be able to pick out the movie we watched that night but if he cried or hurt the teachers I would let M pick out the movie. He was old enough at the time to start not liking the "girl movies" i.e. the princess movies so this worked wonders!
One day out of the blue he told my husband and I that he hates church and he hates Jesus - he was 3 at the time. I was shocked! What 3 yr old hates Jesus? I had never met one and I was very worried. I know how important the early years are for children and I didn't want him to hate church as a child because I knew it would only get worse the older he became. So my husband and I talked about it and we both agreed that the last thing we wanted to do was to force the church on him and try to force him to love the Savior. We went about this by not overreacting every time he told us he hated church or Jesus, we just said that's o.k. or ignored it a lot of times. He would refuse to pray but we did require him to kneel with our family to show respect. We took him to church every Sunday because as a family we attend church and as long as he lives under our roof he will attend church. Then one day I asked him why he hated Jesus so much. I was humbled by his answer, he told me, "I hate Jesus because I don't want to have to die on the cross like He did." At church the kids learn about how the Savior died for us and he took that to mean that we all had to die like the Savior and that scared him. We talked to him about how Jesus died for us so we don't have to die like he did. I didn't go too much into death and resurrection because he was only 3. From that moment on he started to begin to like Jesus a little more, it wasn't an immediate change but gradually over the next two years he has come to the decision on his own that he loves Jesus and the church and the scriptures. He is now the one to remind me about saying bedtime prayers, and about reading our scriptures and he says some of the most humbling and amazing prayers! In fact tonight we went to Sonic for dinner and I bought the kids a cherry slush and asked them to add real cherries, when we got home and he saw that they gave him 3 cherries he immediately told me that he had to say the prayer for dinner and in his prayer he thanked Heavenly Father not only for the dinner but that we were able to go to Sonic for dinner and he thanked him for his "3 cherries in his slurpee." He will take the time to thank Heavenly Father for everything he did that day, anything that he received from anyone, and for each person in our family without being coached on what to say. The other night he also got scared in the middle of the night and came running into our room crying. When I asked him why he was so scared he told me it was because he couldn't see his Jesus statue. He told me that when he can see Jesus in his room he isn't scared! What faith and what love all from a child who 2 years ago HATED everything to do with that.
So how does this apply to you? From watching him grow over the years I have learned the value of three things. The first is to be an example to your children. I could have told him that the church was good and that he had to love the Savior and never did anything myself to show him that I loved the church and the Savior. Instead I made sure he knew I felt that way by living the Gospel. The second is the importance of exposing things to children over and over and over until they like something. The third is patience and consistency, I guess that is four - but I knew that J wasn't going to change his mind overnight so I had to be patient and trust that I knew I was doing the right thing and that eventually he would figure it out for himself! So let's say your child hates eating vegetables and literally refuses to eat them but you as a parent know that vegetables are healthy and that our bodies need those nutrients what can you do? The first thing is to be an example, make sure your kids see you eating the veggies and enjoying them and second put them on their plate every night for dinner and tell them they have to eat at least 5 peas to get dessert, and eventually over time they will eat their veggies without a fight and may even love them! Oh I also learned one more thing - don't make it a fight! I didn't fight with J about his feelings, instead I told him how I felt about his feelings, i.e. "I am sad to hear that you don't like church" and then told him what was expected of him, i.e. "we go to church every Sunday and even though you don't like it, you still have to go." So whatever trial you are struggling with hang in there, be patient, be an example, be consistent, be loving, and eventually your child will learn to love it.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
It wasn't me!
The other day I ran out of my pills and went to call in a refill and when I called the pharmacy said they needed to call my Dr. and verify the refill, which I thought was odd because I had just gone in last month and had my blood done and the Dr.s office supposedly called in for 3 more refills. So I asked the pharmacist about that and they said they didn't have any record of the Dr.s office calling it. I told them and I would call my Dr. and get back to them. When I called the Dr.s office I was very polite and just said that I think there was some kind of mix up and I needed her help to straighten it out. She took great offense to the fact that I would even suggest she did something wrong because she knows for a fact that she called it in and that she has it in her notes so I needed to tell the pharmacist to contact her directly. I called the pharmacy back and told them that she thought she called it in and that they needed to contact her and I gave them the number. A few minutes later the pharmacy called back and said, "We got it straightened it out, it wasn't our fault she called the wrong pharmacy and your prescription will be ready in an hour." After I hung up the phone I was a little annoyed that he made the point of saying, it wasn't us. Not once in my phone conversations did I get upset or blame anyone for the mix up I just said I need the pills and so how can we straighten this out, so why did both the receptionist and the pharmacist feel the need to put the blame on the other person, I didn't care whose fault it was I just wanted it fixed. The more I thought about it I realized that it was probably just a knee jerk reaction because we live in a world where everyone is so busy pointing the finger at everyone and assigning blame that nothing is done to fix it.
Take our economic disaster for instance. Is it the home-owners fault because everyone bought houses they couldn't afford on crappy loans and then walked away from their homes which crashed the market. Or is it the banks fault because they refuse to work with people and let them lock in interest rates even though they are upside down in their house, and the banks funded the crappy loans to people who couldn't afford it. Or is it the politicians fault for allowing the loans to be legal and then on top of that spending a ridiculous amount of money trying to fix the problem but didn't fix the problem instead made it worse? I personally think it is everyone's fault the economy is so crappy, it is the banks, the homeowners, and the politicians because they all made choices that added to the problem. The problem is that the country is so busy pointing the finger and trying to assign blame that nothing is getting done to fix it and we need it fixed!
Then you have the adults who blame everyone else for why their life is so screwed up. It's your mom's fault you are such a terrible mother, it's your dad's fault you have trust issues, it's the banks fault the check bounced, it's your friends fault the relationship fell apart, its your husbands fault you are so miserable, its your bodies fault you are overweight. You have no control over your life whatsoever it is always someone else's fault. Right . . . WRONG! It's your fault, sure those people might contribute to the situation but how you react is what determines your life not them. You are in charge of you and your fate, your happiness, your success, your pain everything is from you and NO ONE ELSE.
The same goes for parenting. How many times a day are you asking your children if they did something, i.e. did you hit your brother? Who spilled the milk? Who lost the remote? Did you put your clothes away? Who threw the ball that broke the vase? I know I do it and I am resolving right now to stop! It doesn't matter who did it, the fact is that it happened and now what are we as a family going to do to fix it? I think when it comes to kids it is almost always two peoples fault for things happening - the parents and the kids.
For example, the other day M, J, and O were bouncing a ball in the house. I was watching them bounce the ball and didn't think anything of it until the ball bounced and hit a decoration I had on a shelf and the decoration broke. Now it is both the kids fault because they threw ball, but it's also my fault because I allowed them to bounce the ball in the house and blaming the kids doesn't fix or clean up the broken decoration. Not only does blaming not help fix a problem, but I also think it causes more fights among the kids. When you are constantly looking for the culprit it puts the kids on the defensive and they will automatically throw their siblings under the bus. Wouldn't you rather teach your kids to be united and know that they can trust each other and get each others back? Plus aren't you tired of being the bad guy?
So here is what I have been doing to stop the blame game, I am no longer asking the question, "who did it?" Instead I am simply asking for help to fix it. For example, the other day one of my kids decided to get ll of the board books off the bookshelf and leave them all over the floor right in front of the bookshelf and the kids doors. I didn't care who made the mess all I wanted was the mess picked up. I knew that all of the kids had been playing in their rooms and hallway for most of the day so I told them that they needed to pick up the books and put them back on the shelf before going to bed, I also expressed that I wanted them all to work together and because I wasn't watching them when they made the mess I helped them clean up as well. Guess what, not once did I hear, but I didn't make the mess! All that happened was my kids saw me willing to help and they all dove right in and helped clean and in all honesty the only help I gave was helping straighten the books on the bookshelf because it's pretty hard to get books on nicely when you are 6, 5, or 2 yrs old!
So my challenge for you is to stop asking who did it, and stop placing blame on everyone else in your life this week and see what a difference it makes!
Take our economic disaster for instance. Is it the home-owners fault because everyone bought houses they couldn't afford on crappy loans and then walked away from their homes which crashed the market. Or is it the banks fault because they refuse to work with people and let them lock in interest rates even though they are upside down in their house, and the banks funded the crappy loans to people who couldn't afford it. Or is it the politicians fault for allowing the loans to be legal and then on top of that spending a ridiculous amount of money trying to fix the problem but didn't fix the problem instead made it worse? I personally think it is everyone's fault the economy is so crappy, it is the banks, the homeowners, and the politicians because they all made choices that added to the problem. The problem is that the country is so busy pointing the finger and trying to assign blame that nothing is getting done to fix it and we need it fixed!
Then you have the adults who blame everyone else for why their life is so screwed up. It's your mom's fault you are such a terrible mother, it's your dad's fault you have trust issues, it's the banks fault the check bounced, it's your friends fault the relationship fell apart, its your husbands fault you are so miserable, its your bodies fault you are overweight. You have no control over your life whatsoever it is always someone else's fault. Right . . . WRONG! It's your fault, sure those people might contribute to the situation but how you react is what determines your life not them. You are in charge of you and your fate, your happiness, your success, your pain everything is from you and NO ONE ELSE.
The same goes for parenting. How many times a day are you asking your children if they did something, i.e. did you hit your brother? Who spilled the milk? Who lost the remote? Did you put your clothes away? Who threw the ball that broke the vase? I know I do it and I am resolving right now to stop! It doesn't matter who did it, the fact is that it happened and now what are we as a family going to do to fix it? I think when it comes to kids it is almost always two peoples fault for things happening - the parents and the kids.
For example, the other day M, J, and O were bouncing a ball in the house. I was watching them bounce the ball and didn't think anything of it until the ball bounced and hit a decoration I had on a shelf and the decoration broke. Now it is both the kids fault because they threw ball, but it's also my fault because I allowed them to bounce the ball in the house and blaming the kids doesn't fix or clean up the broken decoration. Not only does blaming not help fix a problem, but I also think it causes more fights among the kids. When you are constantly looking for the culprit it puts the kids on the defensive and they will automatically throw their siblings under the bus. Wouldn't you rather teach your kids to be united and know that they can trust each other and get each others back? Plus aren't you tired of being the bad guy?
So here is what I have been doing to stop the blame game, I am no longer asking the question, "who did it?" Instead I am simply asking for help to fix it. For example, the other day one of my kids decided to get ll of the board books off the bookshelf and leave them all over the floor right in front of the bookshelf and the kids doors. I didn't care who made the mess all I wanted was the mess picked up. I knew that all of the kids had been playing in their rooms and hallway for most of the day so I told them that they needed to pick up the books and put them back on the shelf before going to bed, I also expressed that I wanted them all to work together and because I wasn't watching them when they made the mess I helped them clean up as well. Guess what, not once did I hear, but I didn't make the mess! All that happened was my kids saw me willing to help and they all dove right in and helped clean and in all honesty the only help I gave was helping straighten the books on the bookshelf because it's pretty hard to get books on nicely when you are 6, 5, or 2 yrs old!
So my challenge for you is to stop asking who did it, and stop placing blame on everyone else in your life this week and see what a difference it makes!
Monday, January 24, 2011
No one can make you do anything
Do you realize how many choices you personally make in a day? Everyday we make hundreds of choices, most of them are small, like choosing what to wear today, and others might be huge like choosing what to name your child, or where to send them to school. All day long we are making subconscious and conscious choices and that is why it is essential that we give our kids opportunities to make choices and teach them that our choices have consequences.
It is also important as adults and children to realize that because everything is a choice . . . NO ONE CAN MAKE US DO ANYTHING! This was a very very hard concept for me to accept and learn - but once I finally grasped it I found a new freedom in my life. Absolutely no one can make me feel anything, do anything, or say anything everything is my choice. How often do you as a parent say, "My kids are making me so mad!" Well how do you feel knowing that you are making a false statement? Your kids are not making you mad - even if they just dumped a gallon of milk on your freshly mopped floor - they are not making you mad, you are choosing to get mad at them. How often do you hear your friends complaining about how horrible their husband is treating them? Do you ever tell them that they are choosing to let their husband treat them badly? By realizing that no one can make us do or feel anything we are literally taking our life and it's outcome into our own hands.
I did not have an easy childhood, in fact, it was pretty horrible, and one day in my junior year history class we were given an assignment to write our personal history. After my teacher read my history she looked me straight in the eye and asked me why on earth I was so happy and m answer was simple - "I choose to be happy no matter what." That is what my life is based on - I choose to be happy and I choose to be treated with respect from everyone I meet and come into contact with.
How does this apply to parenting? Every interaction we have with our children is of our own choice and we need to teach our children to accept responsibility for the choices they make. Here are some examples of how this applies to parenting:
Alex asks to play video games, his mom tells him that he can play video games as soon as he cleans up his toys. Alex then has a choice to make - he can either clean up his toys and play the video game or he can choose to not clean up the toys and not play the video game. Alex chooses to pick up his toys and when that is done his mom turns on the video game and tells Alex how much she appreciates him choosing to pick up his toys.
Alex is happily playing with the video games and Alex's little brother is playing with blocks. Their mom chooses to use this time to start folding laundry and watching her favorite show in the other room. After a few minutes of mom watching her show and folding laundry she hears screaming in the other room - Alex's little brother chose to throw a block at Alex and Alex chose to throw it back. Mom's initial reaction is frustration because her kids are interrupting what she was doing and she has a choice to make - she can choose to remain frustrated and go into an already intense situation with her two sons angry and ready to punish some kids - or she can choose to calm down and accept responsibility for leaving her two sons unsupervised and walk into the intense situation already calm and ready to calm down her two hurt children. Which one do you think will have a better outcome? When the mom chooses to calm herself down first it will always have a better outcome than when mom chooses to be angry.
When we learn to control our emotions and acknowledge that it is our choice to be frustrated, sad, hurt, angry, or understanding, calm, or happy we are better able to teach our kids those same skills. Recently my daughter hit my son and when I asked her why she CHOSE to hit him she told me that it was because he made her so mad. When I told her that he could not make her mad but rather she chose to get mad at what he was doing, she became even more upset and kept trying to convince me that he made her so mad that she had no choice but to hit him. After a very long discussion with her about how it was her choice to be upset by what he was doing - she could have chosen to ignore it, or to laugh at it - and how even if she chose to be upset by it she did not have to choose to hit him, but could have chosen to walk away or to call for help she agreed with what I was saying and the next time her brother started to "act like a brother" she didn't get upset but went with it and later came up to me with a smile on her face and said - "Mommy I didn't choose to get mad when he did . . . I chose to think it was funny and it was funny!" Now take that same kid and picture her ten yrs down the road, do you think she is going to be a victim of her circumstances or do you think she is going to be able to accept responsibility for her choices and make the most of her life? I am betting on the latter option, which is why this principle is so important for us to understand and apply into our lives and our children's lives.
I also teach my kids this principle as I am disciplining them, in fact as I was typing this my one yr old hit my four yr old in the face because he wasn't happy with how his brother was setting up Candyland. I do not tolerate hitting of any kind in our home so I immediately picked up my 1 yr old and while walking him to the crib I repeated over and over again that hitting is not an o.k. choice and that because he hit his brother he chose to go to his crib. I placed him in his crib, left the door open, and walked away until he stopped screaming (i don't time how long the time-outs are because they are only used to help them calm down) I went back into his room and asked him if was ready to make nicer choices to which he said yes. I brought him out of his room and after he told his brother sorry he began to play again and has not hit him once since coming out of his room. As a parent use every opportunity you can to reinforce to them that they are choosing to either make a good choice (cleaning up their room, getting dressed all by themselves) or bad choices (not listening to your words, hitting) and you will see a huge difference in the attitudes your children have towards the consequences they are given and how they interact with you on a daily basis - it will take time but be consistent and you will see results.
Also stop blaming everyone else for how your life is going - it isn't your husband's fault or your parents, or your kids or your sisters fault for how your life is . . . it is YOURS accept responsibility for that and see how much better your life becomes!
It is also important as adults and children to realize that because everything is a choice . . . NO ONE CAN MAKE US DO ANYTHING! This was a very very hard concept for me to accept and learn - but once I finally grasped it I found a new freedom in my life. Absolutely no one can make me feel anything, do anything, or say anything everything is my choice. How often do you as a parent say, "My kids are making me so mad!" Well how do you feel knowing that you are making a false statement? Your kids are not making you mad - even if they just dumped a gallon of milk on your freshly mopped floor - they are not making you mad, you are choosing to get mad at them. How often do you hear your friends complaining about how horrible their husband is treating them? Do you ever tell them that they are choosing to let their husband treat them badly? By realizing that no one can make us do or feel anything we are literally taking our life and it's outcome into our own hands.
I did not have an easy childhood, in fact, it was pretty horrible, and one day in my junior year history class we were given an assignment to write our personal history. After my teacher read my history she looked me straight in the eye and asked me why on earth I was so happy and m answer was simple - "I choose to be happy no matter what." That is what my life is based on - I choose to be happy and I choose to be treated with respect from everyone I meet and come into contact with.
How does this apply to parenting? Every interaction we have with our children is of our own choice and we need to teach our children to accept responsibility for the choices they make. Here are some examples of how this applies to parenting:
Alex asks to play video games, his mom tells him that he can play video games as soon as he cleans up his toys. Alex then has a choice to make - he can either clean up his toys and play the video game or he can choose to not clean up the toys and not play the video game. Alex chooses to pick up his toys and when that is done his mom turns on the video game and tells Alex how much she appreciates him choosing to pick up his toys.
Alex is happily playing with the video games and Alex's little brother is playing with blocks. Their mom chooses to use this time to start folding laundry and watching her favorite show in the other room. After a few minutes of mom watching her show and folding laundry she hears screaming in the other room - Alex's little brother chose to throw a block at Alex and Alex chose to throw it back. Mom's initial reaction is frustration because her kids are interrupting what she was doing and she has a choice to make - she can choose to remain frustrated and go into an already intense situation with her two sons angry and ready to punish some kids - or she can choose to calm down and accept responsibility for leaving her two sons unsupervised and walk into the intense situation already calm and ready to calm down her two hurt children. Which one do you think will have a better outcome? When the mom chooses to calm herself down first it will always have a better outcome than when mom chooses to be angry.
When we learn to control our emotions and acknowledge that it is our choice to be frustrated, sad, hurt, angry, or understanding, calm, or happy we are better able to teach our kids those same skills. Recently my daughter hit my son and when I asked her why she CHOSE to hit him she told me that it was because he made her so mad. When I told her that he could not make her mad but rather she chose to get mad at what he was doing, she became even more upset and kept trying to convince me that he made her so mad that she had no choice but to hit him. After a very long discussion with her about how it was her choice to be upset by what he was doing - she could have chosen to ignore it, or to laugh at it - and how even if she chose to be upset by it she did not have to choose to hit him, but could have chosen to walk away or to call for help she agreed with what I was saying and the next time her brother started to "act like a brother" she didn't get upset but went with it and later came up to me with a smile on her face and said - "Mommy I didn't choose to get mad when he did . . . I chose to think it was funny and it was funny!" Now take that same kid and picture her ten yrs down the road, do you think she is going to be a victim of her circumstances or do you think she is going to be able to accept responsibility for her choices and make the most of her life? I am betting on the latter option, which is why this principle is so important for us to understand and apply into our lives and our children's lives.
I also teach my kids this principle as I am disciplining them, in fact as I was typing this my one yr old hit my four yr old in the face because he wasn't happy with how his brother was setting up Candyland. I do not tolerate hitting of any kind in our home so I immediately picked up my 1 yr old and while walking him to the crib I repeated over and over again that hitting is not an o.k. choice and that because he hit his brother he chose to go to his crib. I placed him in his crib, left the door open, and walked away until he stopped screaming (i don't time how long the time-outs are because they are only used to help them calm down) I went back into his room and asked him if was ready to make nicer choices to which he said yes. I brought him out of his room and after he told his brother sorry he began to play again and has not hit him once since coming out of his room. As a parent use every opportunity you can to reinforce to them that they are choosing to either make a good choice (cleaning up their room, getting dressed all by themselves) or bad choices (not listening to your words, hitting) and you will see a huge difference in the attitudes your children have towards the consequences they are given and how they interact with you on a daily basis - it will take time but be consistent and you will see results.
Also stop blaming everyone else for how your life is going - it isn't your husband's fault or your parents, or your kids or your sisters fault for how your life is . . . it is YOURS accept responsibility for that and see how much better your life becomes!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
You know you are effective at giving choices when . . .
This is an actual event that took place at my house this morning. This morning my 5 yr old - M came in my room and told me she was hungry - typical morning - so I get up and as I am walking into the kitchen I start to feel nauseous so I run to the sink and throw up (I am in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy and am still throwing up). My kids ran out of the room of course because no one wants to watch someone throw up. When I got done I was still not feeling very good so I just got out a box of Trix and poured two bowls of cereal and told my kids that I was sorry I didn't ask them but that mommy didn't feel good and just wanted to lay down for a minute. M was totally fine with that, she loves Trix anyways, J (my 4 yr old) on the other hand was not so thrilled about me making his choice for him and proceeded to tell me that he didn't ask for that. I apologized to him again and told him to please just eat it while I lay down. So as I am laying down this conversation happens.
J - "I hate that cereal I want the chocolate one"
M - "J just come and eat it, it's no big deal"
J- "No, I am not eating what I didn't ask for!"
M - "You have to eat it!"
J - " No I don't, it wasn't my choice"
M - "Fine, but if you don't eat then you don't get anything until lunch time AND no computer!"
J - immediately finds me, and I have heard this entire conversation and am trying not to laugh, and says, "Mom, M says if I don't eat then I don't get to play the computer, but that doesn't make sense?!"
Me - "You are right honey it doesn't make sense, you can still play the computer but will you please just eat the cereal for mommy this one time?"
J - "o.k. mom." he then proceeded to eat every bite of his cereal.
J - "I hate that cereal I want the chocolate one"
M - "J just come and eat it, it's no big deal"
J- "No, I am not eating what I didn't ask for!"
M - "You have to eat it!"
J - " No I don't, it wasn't my choice"
M - "Fine, but if you don't eat then you don't get anything until lunch time AND no computer!"
J - immediately finds me, and I have heard this entire conversation and am trying not to laugh, and says, "Mom, M says if I don't eat then I don't get to play the computer, but that doesn't make sense?!"
Me - "You are right honey it doesn't make sense, you can still play the computer but will you please just eat the cereal for mommy this one time?"
J - "o.k. mom." he then proceeded to eat every bite of his cereal.
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