The other day my children decided to play the game "Tangled" in J and O's room. For Christmas M received a Tangled wig so they play this make believe game a lot. Well in the movie Rapunzel paints all over her walls because she can't leave the tower so what else is she to do, right? Can you tell where this story is going? So while they are playing "Tangled" the kids have this brilliant idea to color all over the walls in J's room!
After the walls are beautifully decorated, my husband walks into the room to check on the kiddos and sees all the crayon on the walls and when he asks them who was responsible the older two point to O and said he did it. Of course they blamed the 2 year old! My husband takes them at face value and starts disciplining O while M and J sit by and watch. I have yet to see the room and am thinking it is just a little bit of coloring . . .
While we are eating dinner J then tells us that he has to be honest and says that he also colored on the wall. M then fesses up as well. I am curious now about the coloring so I go back and look and it is blatantly obvious that it was not the 2 yr old! Those stars are just a little too perfect, the word welcome on the door . . . I mean really the 2 yr old can't even draw a circle on purpose! Not only did I see who was responsible I was shocked at how much they colored on the wall, the doors, the dresser, and even the ceiling! I asked my husband if he actually looked at the coloring because then he would have known exactly who did it! We expressed to our children that we were very disappointed in them and that they would no longer be allowed to play in their rooms or have any art supplies anywhere but the kitchen.
M's a people pleaser BIG TIME and all I had to tell her was that I was disappointed and she was devastated where as the boys just thought it was fun. So I knew I needed a discipline for them to really understand that what they did was wrong. Well every Saturday we have a family fun day where we take our kids out for some fun activities and they have really come to look forward to this special time on Saturdays. So I decided that for family fun day the kids would have to scrub the crayons off of the wall, which is next to impossible with just soap and water.
Yesterday was the big day and when the kids woke up they came running in to our room and were anxious to find out what we were going to do for family fun day! I told them I had a big surprise for them and that they would find out after breakfast. While they were eating I started filling up a bowl with some dish soap and water and got out 3 washcloths. M is quick and the minute she saw what I was doing said, "Oh great we have to clean the crayon off the walls!" I was a little proud at that moment that she knew what the consequence was going to be, we do a lot of logical consequences at our house.
After breakfast I gathered the kids into J and O's room and handed them each a washcloth and told them that before we could have fun they had to get the crayon off the walls. In the beginning they thought it would be great fun, but after ten minutes of scrubbing the same spot and not having that crayon budge one bit they started getting frustrated. I left them to the cleaning while I ran to Walmart to pick up some magic erasers, because that is really the best and easiest way to get crayons off the walls. When I came back my husband told me that the kids were extremely frustrated and were repeatedly vowing that they would NEVER color on a wall again. After I gave them the magic erasers and worked with them the crayon was completely gone in fifteen minutes and we were able to have a fun family day.
I loved that I decided to not give them the easy way to clean it first, but instead had them struggle and work hard with no results. This way they learned that while it is fun to color on the walls it is not fun to clean up those walls and therefore are less likely to make that choice again.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Sunday, December 11, 2011
I'm still alive
Life has been busy, as usual, with four kids and by the time I get a minute to think about a thought provoking, inspiring post my eyes and brain are fried and I just end up going to bed. I have so many ideas in my head about what to blog about, I just can't seem to get it all straight in my head, so right now I am making a list and am making plans so that starting in January I can really get back in to blogging on here daily! So is there any one subject you want to know more about? Leave me a comment and let me know so I can make sure to blog about it!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Expectations in parents
As I mentioned last week I have been thinking a lot about expectations and its effects on relationships. I have especially been thinking about the expectations among the parents and how that dynamic can influence the whole family unit. You know the expression "Happy wife, happy life?" I really think there is some truth to that. I think the woman sets the tone for the mood of the home. There is the other saying that says, "If momma ain't happy then no one's happy." Why is that? In my opinion it is because the woman serves a lot of roles in a family and so if she is feeling overwhelmed, tired, stressed, or taken advantage of then those emotions leak in to other dynamics of the home.
Often times the reason the mom is so stressed out isn't because dad isn't willing to help but is more because he doesn't know he's supposed to be helping! Think about it. How many of us who have kids now can honestly say that their dads helped their mom out all the time? Not many. The family dynamic has changed a ton over the past decade and dads are helping a lot more than they used to. My father was the bread winner and discipliner who occasionally took us camping or some other fun activity, but he was the ultimate head of the house. Rarely did my dad cook dinner or wash dishes. He never picked us up from school or took us to an extracurricular activity because he was working and that was mom's job. Dads weren't known for getting on the ground and playing Barbies with his daughters - that was almost unheard of. So of course it is harder for most men to stop and say, "Hey that basket of laundry needs to be folded" when they would rather throw their sons around or clean up the backyard.
As I have mentioned in previous posts we all bring something to the table in parenting and the biggest thing we bring is our expectations. I remember my mom used to wake up early every morning and pack my dad a lunch for work, so when my husband went through the police academy I felt like that was something I was "supposed" to do. So for a few days I got up early and packed him a lunch and sent him off and then went back to bed. Well I am NOT a morning person and after a few days I was tired and really didn't want to make him lunch and he told me he didn't need me to make his lunch, in fact he never expected me to in the first place and boy was I relieved because I wanted to sleep! That is why it is so important for you to talk about your expectations with each other, maybe you are stressing yourself out over something the other person doesn't even care about. Maybe they are resenting you because they expect you to do more. In order to be a good functioning couple I think you need to sit down with each other and really talk about each others expectations and see if you are on the same page or if you have completely different views!
So out of curiosity, what is one thing you expect from your partner and think every man/woman should do? For me I expect my husband to be completely involved in my child's life - meaning he helps put them to bed, he helps feed them, he helps change them, he picks them up from school, he volunteers at school, he goes to all of their performances and games, etc. He is not just to be a sperm donor or discipliner but a parent! (which he is an amazing parent and sometimes my kids prefer him over me)
Often times the reason the mom is so stressed out isn't because dad isn't willing to help but is more because he doesn't know he's supposed to be helping! Think about it. How many of us who have kids now can honestly say that their dads helped their mom out all the time? Not many. The family dynamic has changed a ton over the past decade and dads are helping a lot more than they used to. My father was the bread winner and discipliner who occasionally took us camping or some other fun activity, but he was the ultimate head of the house. Rarely did my dad cook dinner or wash dishes. He never picked us up from school or took us to an extracurricular activity because he was working and that was mom's job. Dads weren't known for getting on the ground and playing Barbies with his daughters - that was almost unheard of. So of course it is harder for most men to stop and say, "Hey that basket of laundry needs to be folded" when they would rather throw their sons around or clean up the backyard.
As I have mentioned in previous posts we all bring something to the table in parenting and the biggest thing we bring is our expectations. I remember my mom used to wake up early every morning and pack my dad a lunch for work, so when my husband went through the police academy I felt like that was something I was "supposed" to do. So for a few days I got up early and packed him a lunch and sent him off and then went back to bed. Well I am NOT a morning person and after a few days I was tired and really didn't want to make him lunch and he told me he didn't need me to make his lunch, in fact he never expected me to in the first place and boy was I relieved because I wanted to sleep! That is why it is so important for you to talk about your expectations with each other, maybe you are stressing yourself out over something the other person doesn't even care about. Maybe they are resenting you because they expect you to do more. In order to be a good functioning couple I think you need to sit down with each other and really talk about each others expectations and see if you are on the same page or if you have completely different views!
So out of curiosity, what is one thing you expect from your partner and think every man/woman should do? For me I expect my husband to be completely involved in my child's life - meaning he helps put them to bed, he helps feed them, he helps change them, he picks them up from school, he volunteers at school, he goes to all of their performances and games, etc. He is not just to be a sperm donor or discipliner but a parent! (which he is an amazing parent and sometimes my kids prefer him over me)
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Expectations
It seems like everyone I am close to and talk to pretty frequently is having struggles in their marriage or with their kids, including me and my spouse. I have mentioned in previous posts that we grew apart and now we are trying to rebuild and reconnect and it is easier said than done. There are a LOT of conversations about our situation and why we are where we are, how to improve and what is bugging us right now. As I have been thinking a lot about myself, my relationship with my spouse, my kids, and my friends I have realized that there is a recurring theme over and over again in my thoughts and that is, what do I expect from them and from myself in those relationships.
My husband is a great guy and very helpful . . . on things he thinks needs to be done. For example, one day there were literally about 8 baskets of washed laundry that needed to be folded and put away and it was obvious that I was pretty stressed out and trying to get a lot done and when my husband woke up that day instead of saying, "Hey I can see you have been working hard all day so let me fold this laundry for you" he went outside and spent an hour cleaning up the backyard, taking care of the dogs, and sweeping the pool that we are no longer able to swim in because it is too cold. He then had to rush to get ready for work and eat dinner and then left for work leaving me with those 8 baskets of laundry, plus the dishes from dinner, plus the responsibility of making dinner, and taking care of our four children and well you get the idea. The main problem was not so much that he left the laundry unfolded, it was that I expected him to help around the house but didn't vocalize that expectation and therefore he was unable to meet that expectation.
Let's apply this to kids. How often do you expect your children to behave well at the store only to get there and have them try escaping you, scream when they don't get what they want, knock things off the shelf, etc. Or do you expect them to come home from a long day of school and immediately sit down at the table and work on another hour of homework only to have them come home and fight you every step of the way.
The problem is not the behavior of the people in our lives the problem is our expectations and the way we are expressing them. Sometimes we expect too much from people, other times we expect too little. So how do you set the right expectation? The main thing is to look at the individual and their own special circumstances. Is it reasonable to expect a two year old to share his toys with other two year olds? NO, two year olds do not share! You can help them to share, you can involve yourself in their play to ensure they share with others but to expect them to immediately be o.k. with sharing with another kid is setting yourself up for disappointment. If you are aware of the fact that two year old don't share, or that a fourteen year old believes they know everything about life and you know nothing, then when they behave in that manner you aren't disappointed or frustrated (well maybe a little frustrated) but instead you can focus on ways to help them be the best two yr old or fourteen yr old or even 50 yr old they can be. Now this is going to go against what I just said, BUT, it is important to set expectations high so people can stretch and grow to reach that expectation, but you also have to find what you are o.k. with until they reach your expectation. For example, I expect my children to grow up to become well behaved, smart, respectful adults and therefore I am going to teach them how to become that but am not going to become upset or disappointed when my child behaves like a normal 6 yr old, 5 yr old or 2 yr old. Does that make sense?
The other thing you do not want to do is set your expectations too low - because wherever you set your expectations people will meet them (as long as they are reasonable and they know what those expectations are). If you expect your child to disobey you then they will. If you expect your children to be lazy then they will be. If you expect your husband to act like your father then he will. If you expect your friends to take advantage of you then they will. Whatever you expectations you set people will meet them!
I encourage you to really think about and write down what you expect from the people in your life, especially from those who seem to be disappointing you the most. Are your expectations reasonable? Are they attainable for the person you expect it from? Have you expressed these expectations to those people and discussed them with each other? If not, do it! There are so many more things I can post about expectations so keep an eye out for more on this subject!
My husband is a great guy and very helpful . . . on things he thinks needs to be done. For example, one day there were literally about 8 baskets of washed laundry that needed to be folded and put away and it was obvious that I was pretty stressed out and trying to get a lot done and when my husband woke up that day instead of saying, "Hey I can see you have been working hard all day so let me fold this laundry for you" he went outside and spent an hour cleaning up the backyard, taking care of the dogs, and sweeping the pool that we are no longer able to swim in because it is too cold. He then had to rush to get ready for work and eat dinner and then left for work leaving me with those 8 baskets of laundry, plus the dishes from dinner, plus the responsibility of making dinner, and taking care of our four children and well you get the idea. The main problem was not so much that he left the laundry unfolded, it was that I expected him to help around the house but didn't vocalize that expectation and therefore he was unable to meet that expectation.
Let's apply this to kids. How often do you expect your children to behave well at the store only to get there and have them try escaping you, scream when they don't get what they want, knock things off the shelf, etc. Or do you expect them to come home from a long day of school and immediately sit down at the table and work on another hour of homework only to have them come home and fight you every step of the way.
The problem is not the behavior of the people in our lives the problem is our expectations and the way we are expressing them. Sometimes we expect too much from people, other times we expect too little. So how do you set the right expectation? The main thing is to look at the individual and their own special circumstances. Is it reasonable to expect a two year old to share his toys with other two year olds? NO, two year olds do not share! You can help them to share, you can involve yourself in their play to ensure they share with others but to expect them to immediately be o.k. with sharing with another kid is setting yourself up for disappointment. If you are aware of the fact that two year old don't share, or that a fourteen year old believes they know everything about life and you know nothing, then when they behave in that manner you aren't disappointed or frustrated (well maybe a little frustrated) but instead you can focus on ways to help them be the best two yr old or fourteen yr old or even 50 yr old they can be. Now this is going to go against what I just said, BUT, it is important to set expectations high so people can stretch and grow to reach that expectation, but you also have to find what you are o.k. with until they reach your expectation. For example, I expect my children to grow up to become well behaved, smart, respectful adults and therefore I am going to teach them how to become that but am not going to become upset or disappointed when my child behaves like a normal 6 yr old, 5 yr old or 2 yr old. Does that make sense?
The other thing you do not want to do is set your expectations too low - because wherever you set your expectations people will meet them (as long as they are reasonable and they know what those expectations are). If you expect your child to disobey you then they will. If you expect your children to be lazy then they will be. If you expect your husband to act like your father then he will. If you expect your friends to take advantage of you then they will. Whatever you expectations you set people will meet them!
I encourage you to really think about and write down what you expect from the people in your life, especially from those who seem to be disappointing you the most. Are your expectations reasonable? Are they attainable for the person you expect it from? Have you expressed these expectations to those people and discussed them with each other? If not, do it! There are so many more things I can post about expectations so keep an eye out for more on this subject!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
make your own lunchable
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Sunday, October 30, 2011
Team Jesus
O is 2 right now and I have to admit that most of the time I love 2 yr olds . . . but I do not love 2 yr old attitudes and 2 yr old power struggles. 2 yr olds are hard because they aren't quite old enough to negotiate with you so you have to be extremely patient and extremely consistent with them. If you give them an inch they will literally take a mile! 2 yr olds are also impossible to distract, once they have in their mind what they want their is no convincing them otherwise so I find myself asking the question, "How important is this issue right now?" IF it is extremely important for his future well being (i.e. no snacks if you don't eat your dinner) then I will fight the fight and I will win because I am the parent and it is my responsibility to teach him. But if it's not that big of a deal (i.e. going to bed in his clothes instead of pajamas) then I don't fight it.
Well the other day it was time to get ready for bed and I told O that he needed to have a diaper change and then get ready for bed. He on the other hand didn't want to have a diaper change, he wanted to play and as he so eloquently stated to me, he wasn't stinky, so he didn't need a diaper change. Well long story short I end up getting firm with him and I change his diaper and the whole time O is screaming like he is being seriously injured when he wasn't - if you have ever had a 2 yr old you know exactly what I'm talking about! My 5 yr old J is observing what is happening and after O is changed and dressed and we are sitting on the couch for stories J looks me in the eye and in his most serious voice ever he says to me, "Mom, are you on Team Jesus? Because I don't think that's how Jesus wants us to act!" I asked him how he thought Jesus would have handled it and he said, "Well, Jesus wouldn't have gotten upset and he wouldn't have let O cry. Jesus doesn't get mad, he just loves us!"
I could have argued with him about how it is my responsibility as a mom to make sure my child doesn't go to bed with a wet diaper that is just going to get more and more wet, and therefore I was completely justified. But I didn't. Instead I thanked Jacob for reminding me that I needed to be more understanding and more patient with O.
Later that night as I was laying in bed and reflecting on the day I thought about how Jesus would have handled that situation and I thought about how I handled it, and I came to the conclusion that I was quick to lose my temper and easily frustrated with him and that I had forgotten that O was 2 and that I need to have more patience with all of my kids. I thought about how my parenting would differ if the Savior stood beside me as I disciplined my kids and if he would say, "well done" or "let me show me how to do it better." So I thank J for that little reminder and I hope that it is a good reminder for you as well!
Well the other day it was time to get ready for bed and I told O that he needed to have a diaper change and then get ready for bed. He on the other hand didn't want to have a diaper change, he wanted to play and as he so eloquently stated to me, he wasn't stinky, so he didn't need a diaper change. Well long story short I end up getting firm with him and I change his diaper and the whole time O is screaming like he is being seriously injured when he wasn't - if you have ever had a 2 yr old you know exactly what I'm talking about! My 5 yr old J is observing what is happening and after O is changed and dressed and we are sitting on the couch for stories J looks me in the eye and in his most serious voice ever he says to me, "Mom, are you on Team Jesus? Because I don't think that's how Jesus wants us to act!" I asked him how he thought Jesus would have handled it and he said, "Well, Jesus wouldn't have gotten upset and he wouldn't have let O cry. Jesus doesn't get mad, he just loves us!"
I could have argued with him about how it is my responsibility as a mom to make sure my child doesn't go to bed with a wet diaper that is just going to get more and more wet, and therefore I was completely justified. But I didn't. Instead I thanked Jacob for reminding me that I needed to be more understanding and more patient with O.
Later that night as I was laying in bed and reflecting on the day I thought about how Jesus would have handled that situation and I thought about how I handled it, and I came to the conclusion that I was quick to lose my temper and easily frustrated with him and that I had forgotten that O was 2 and that I need to have more patience with all of my kids. I thought about how my parenting would differ if the Savior stood beside me as I disciplined my kids and if he would say, "well done" or "let me show me how to do it better." So I thank J for that little reminder and I hope that it is a good reminder for you as well!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Time and the importance of it
What if in five minutes from now there was a freak accident and your child who you just yelled at died. How would you feel if this morning you frantically rushed to get your kids ready for school and you lost your temper and spanked them and then on the way to school there was an accident and your child died? How would you feel if your child kept begging you to play with them and you just couldn't find the time because there were too many other things to do and then they no longer could play with you because they were gone from this life.
I apologize for the morbidity of this post, but I want to know, do you really realize how fragile life is? Do you truly appreciate the fact that in an instant your child could be gone? I do and that is why I have the patience that I have. That is why I am quick to say I'm sorry to my child and show them how much I love them. Some people make fun of me because they say I live in fear, but I don't live in fear. I know what it is to lose someone in an instant and because of that I do not take this life or my child's life for granted. Imagine the difference in your parenting if you knew today would be the last day you could hold your child in your arms, or hear their sweet laugh, or watch them learn something new. Would you be a different parent than you were yesterday? Would you be kinder? More patient? More involved? More understanding? Cherish the moment right now with your children because you will never get it back once it's gone.
I apologize for the morbidity of this post, but I want to know, do you really realize how fragile life is? Do you truly appreciate the fact that in an instant your child could be gone? I do and that is why I have the patience that I have. That is why I am quick to say I'm sorry to my child and show them how much I love them. Some people make fun of me because they say I live in fear, but I don't live in fear. I know what it is to lose someone in an instant and because of that I do not take this life or my child's life for granted. Imagine the difference in your parenting if you knew today would be the last day you could hold your child in your arms, or hear their sweet laugh, or watch them learn something new. Would you be a different parent than you were yesterday? Would you be kinder? More patient? More involved? More understanding? Cherish the moment right now with your children because you will never get it back once it's gone.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Motherhood is a calling
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| Found this printable on Pinterest check it out here! |
I often hear women comment on how they have lost themselves because of being a mom and I always think, no you have found a new you! You have discovered a you that is (hopefully) unselfish, responsible, compassionate, patient, a teacher, a friend, a counselor, a cheerleader, a supporter and a million more things. Somewhere over the past year I have lost sight of that and became focused on me more than my family and over the past two months as I have refocused my priorities and obligations and have removed the fog that was over my brain I have found a new joy in my life!
I have found that as I put my kids and God first I find that I am less interested in "me" time and more interested in time with them. Earlier today was my definition of perfect as M & J were at school and O, N, and I were cuddling on the couch and singing "EIEIO" (aka Old McDonald had a Farm) over and over and over and hearing the laughs from O and N as we tickled and made funny animal songs. Then later after school was over and N was down for a nap, T was helping J and M with homework, I was folding laundry and O was laying at my feet I just felt a peace and joy to be a part of this family I helped create. I am disappointed in myself that I lost sight of that. I strongly encourage you to read the article, it is very short, and really internalize what it says and see where you can improve!
Friday, October 7, 2011
Drop that Pop Tart!
I posted this on my family blog but since that is private I thought you would all get a kick out of this as well!
Yesterday morning M had a pop tart for breakfast (I know my mother-in-law is cringing as she reads this) and she had this pop tart in a bowl so she can break off the "crust" she only likes the gooey inside. When her ride for school came to pick her up she hadn't finished eating it, so she just left it in the bowl on my living room floor. Now N, who is now 6 months old, was no where even close to this bowl so I wasn't too worried about her getting to it, (do you see where this story is going). I talked to my friend who takes M to school for a little bit and then off they went. I checked on N and she was still nowhere near this bowl and as I was headed over to pick up the bowl my phone rang. I answered my phone and it was my primary president who is a chatter. We got to chatting and I didn't think twice about that bowl until I looked over and didn't see N. I then walked around a little bit and there she was, right next to the bowl and sucking the life out of that pop tart! I told my president I had to go because N was eating a pop tart and she just laughed and said she would call me back. So then came the task of retrieving the delicious chocolatey pop tart from a little girl who has just discovered for the first time of her life the joy of chocolate! Let's just say N was not going to let go of that pop tart, fortunately for me I am bigger and stronger so I was able to retrieve it from her determined little hands. She of course had chocolate all over herself and if I was thinking I would have snapped a photo of it because it was pretty awesome. But I was more concerned with cleaning her up than anything else! Crazy girl is on the move now and she is quick! I can't believe how quickly time flies!
Yesterday morning M had a pop tart for breakfast (I know my mother-in-law is cringing as she reads this) and she had this pop tart in a bowl so she can break off the "crust" she only likes the gooey inside. When her ride for school came to pick her up she hadn't finished eating it, so she just left it in the bowl on my living room floor. Now N, who is now 6 months old, was no where even close to this bowl so I wasn't too worried about her getting to it, (do you see where this story is going). I talked to my friend who takes M to school for a little bit and then off they went. I checked on N and she was still nowhere near this bowl and as I was headed over to pick up the bowl my phone rang. I answered my phone and it was my primary president who is a chatter. We got to chatting and I didn't think twice about that bowl until I looked over and didn't see N. I then walked around a little bit and there she was, right next to the bowl and sucking the life out of that pop tart! I told my president I had to go because N was eating a pop tart and she just laughed and said she would call me back. So then came the task of retrieving the delicious chocolatey pop tart from a little girl who has just discovered for the first time of her life the joy of chocolate! Let's just say N was not going to let go of that pop tart, fortunately for me I am bigger and stronger so I was able to retrieve it from her determined little hands. She of course had chocolate all over herself and if I was thinking I would have snapped a photo of it because it was pretty awesome. But I was more concerned with cleaning her up than anything else! Crazy girl is on the move now and she is quick! I can't believe how quickly time flies!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Thankful Thursday
Today I am going to focus on what I am thankful for. I am thankful for the following:
The Savior, Jesus Christ and the atonement that allows me to forgive myself and others for the hurtful choices that have been made
My spouse, even though he isn't perfect I will always be thankful he is my husband
My four beautiful children, they love me for me and nothing else. They are my everything and I am sorry I lost sight of that.
My friends who do not judge me but are there for me constantly reminding me of who I am.
My family who is far from perfect, but I wouldn't be the person I am today if not for them
My inlaws - they have learned to love and accept me for who I am and I love that I know they are always there for me if I ever need them.
My church calling - it is such a blessing to see and hear the testimonies of the children grow each week.
What are you thankful for?
The Savior, Jesus Christ and the atonement that allows me to forgive myself and others for the hurtful choices that have been made
My spouse, even though he isn't perfect I will always be thankful he is my husband
My four beautiful children, they love me for me and nothing else. They are my everything and I am sorry I lost sight of that.
My friends who do not judge me but are there for me constantly reminding me of who I am.
My family who is far from perfect, but I wouldn't be the person I am today if not for them
My inlaws - they have learned to love and accept me for who I am and I love that I know they are always there for me if I ever need them.
My church calling - it is such a blessing to see and hear the testimonies of the children grow each week.
What are you thankful for?
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
How to teach your children
I remember thinking how excited I was when I decided to go to college to get my degree in Early Childhood Education. I couldn't wait to learn the best ways to teach my kids their abc's and 123's. I was determined to have the smartest kids in the world all because of what I was going to learn in college. And then I went to my classes and had the biggest awakening of my life. Every single professor told me DO NOT SPEND YOUR TIME TEACHING THEM THEIR LETTERS AND NUMBERS! I was shocked! I could have sworn they were wrong and that their was no way they could honestly be telling me to not teach my children their letters and numbers. But they insisted on this over and over and over and over. Finally I decided I would hear them out and try to figure out what on earth I was supposed to teach them to be ready for school and do you want to know what that was? It was to provide developmentally appropraite activities to children that used as many senses as humanly possible to help them develop a love of learning. That's it! The absolute best way you can prepare your children for school is to expose them to as many things you possibly can in the most fun way you can possibly think of! Here are some suggestions:
Writing skills:
Roll up playdoh into snakes and make letters and numbers out of the snakes
Fill up a pie tin with flour and give them chopsticks and have them make designs in the flour
While playing in the mud, sand, snow, use your fingers to write their name or draw pictures
Give them a blank piece of paper and any writing tool and just let them go wild.
Fingerpaint
Reading skills:
READ TO YOUR CHILD A BOOK A DAY FROM BIRTH!
The only way your child will learn to read is if they are read to!
Math skills
Make patterns out of buttons, rocks, leaves, anything!
Count items around the house
Have children make groups of items that are the same - i.e. put all your girl barbies in one pile and your boy barbies in another.
Science skills
blow up a balloon
cook with them
make messes with sand and water, cornstarch and water, flour and water
blow bubbles
If you are ever trying to think of the best way to teach your child always remember this: the more senses involved in the activity the quicker they will learn. Can they smell it, taste it, hear it, feel it, see it? This even applies to teenagers! Make it real and concrete!
Writing skills:
Roll up playdoh into snakes and make letters and numbers out of the snakes
Fill up a pie tin with flour and give them chopsticks and have them make designs in the flour
While playing in the mud, sand, snow, use your fingers to write their name or draw pictures
Give them a blank piece of paper and any writing tool and just let them go wild.
Fingerpaint
Reading skills:
READ TO YOUR CHILD A BOOK A DAY FROM BIRTH!
The only way your child will learn to read is if they are read to!
Math skills
Make patterns out of buttons, rocks, leaves, anything!
Count items around the house
Have children make groups of items that are the same - i.e. put all your girl barbies in one pile and your boy barbies in another.
Science skills
blow up a balloon
cook with them
make messes with sand and water, cornstarch and water, flour and water
blow bubbles
If you are ever trying to think of the best way to teach your child always remember this: the more senses involved in the activity the quicker they will learn. Can they smell it, taste it, hear it, feel it, see it? This even applies to teenagers! Make it real and concrete!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
How to handle a 2 yr old tantrum without losing your cool
I have a 2 yr old who I love to pieces. He is the funniest, craziest, cutest 2 yr old on the planet, and I'm not just saying that because I'm his mom, it's the truth. This kid seriously is awesome. That is until he gets tired and he gets angry and he can't handle the emotions so he has a 2 yr old meltdown. You all saw the video I posted of his tantrum a few weeks ago all because he wanted to get M out of school after we dropped off J and that wasn't an option. When he gets mad he gets really mad and he goes insane. It is like a little monster emerges out of his body and he is no longer my sweet angel but my insane devil child.
As I have mentioned in previous posts I haven't been my normal awesome self as of lately and am slowly refinding myself and becoming the patient, understanding mom I used to be before having raging hormones from pregnancy and nursing. So while I was in my funk and O would begin having his tantrum I would immediately feel my body tense up and prepare to go to battle with this two yr old. I would carry him to his room, yell at him, close the door and then hold it closed because he wouldn't stay in there on his own. Well the other day he began melting down and losing his mind and as I began to feel my body tense up I immediately stopped myself and thought, "Kim you are 28, he is 2! I am not going to engage in this battle with him" so instead I walked over to him, picked him up and carried him to his bed to remove him from the situation (which probably had something to do with his older brother bothering him) and then I laid down next to him, held him in my arms and began singing. At first he tried to fight me because he thought I was going to react the way I had been reacting the previous 6 months. But after the first two lines of twinkle, twinkle little star he slowly began to calm down and let me just hold him. I sang a couple more songs with him until he was completely calmed down and then I told him I loved him, and asked him if he was ready to be a happy nice boy or if he still needed me to sing him some songs. He said he wanted to be happy and nice so we walked out of his room together and he was happy once again.
The moral of that story is this: the key to handling a tantrum is first, to remember you are the adult and have a lifetime of experience to learn how to handle your emotions whereas your child is still learning how to handle their emotions; second is to remove them from the cause, and third shower them with love and patience and give them the time they need to calm down.
What are your tips for handling tantrums without losing your cool?
As I have mentioned in previous posts I haven't been my normal awesome self as of lately and am slowly refinding myself and becoming the patient, understanding mom I used to be before having raging hormones from pregnancy and nursing. So while I was in my funk and O would begin having his tantrum I would immediately feel my body tense up and prepare to go to battle with this two yr old. I would carry him to his room, yell at him, close the door and then hold it closed because he wouldn't stay in there on his own. Well the other day he began melting down and losing his mind and as I began to feel my body tense up I immediately stopped myself and thought, "Kim you are 28, he is 2! I am not going to engage in this battle with him" so instead I walked over to him, picked him up and carried him to his bed to remove him from the situation (which probably had something to do with his older brother bothering him) and then I laid down next to him, held him in my arms and began singing. At first he tried to fight me because he thought I was going to react the way I had been reacting the previous 6 months. But after the first two lines of twinkle, twinkle little star he slowly began to calm down and let me just hold him. I sang a couple more songs with him until he was completely calmed down and then I told him I loved him, and asked him if he was ready to be a happy nice boy or if he still needed me to sing him some songs. He said he wanted to be happy and nice so we walked out of his room together and he was happy once again.
The moral of that story is this: the key to handling a tantrum is first, to remember you are the adult and have a lifetime of experience to learn how to handle your emotions whereas your child is still learning how to handle their emotions; second is to remove them from the cause, and third shower them with love and patience and give them the time they need to calm down.
What are your tips for handling tantrums without losing your cool?
Monday, October 3, 2011
Everything is a choice
For those of you who do not know I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and twice a year we have what is called General Conference where we hear great and inspiring messages from the Prophet and apostles of our church. I absolutely love General Conference and I always hear exactly what I need to hear while watching it. One of the talks given was all about choices and I don't remember the exact quote or even who gave the talk so for my fellow church member if you remember please leave a comment so i can give credit and the exact quote. Anyways, he said something along the lines that we don't arrive at our destiny by chance but by the choices we make.
I knew this already, I teach this to my children on a regular basis, but for some reason when he said those words it was like a glass of ice cold water was thrown in my face and I stopped and took stock on the choices I was making. I thought about how often my kids would ask me to play with them and I would tell them after I cleaned up something or after I finished reading the chapter (which sometimes ended up being after I finish this book) or after I finish this show or . . . well you get the picture. I laid there and thought about all the choices I had been making in my life lately.
I then began thinking about how this applies to being a parent and a spouse. How often do we give our children choices and expect them to make the correct choices but then we make the poor choice? Did you know that it is your choice to get angry or frustrated with a screaming 2 yr old or you can choose to stay calm and help teach that screaming 2 yr old how to properly channel their emotions? Did you know it is your choice to lose your temper or to keep your head? Did you know you can choose to teach your children to behave appropriately through love and being an example rather than through fear?
You choose what kind of parent you will be and only you. It isn't your mom or dad or your spouse or your best friend or your church leader. It is you and only you! So ask yourself what kind of parent do you want to be? Do you want your children to be afraid of you? Do you want your children to always feel loved and cherished? Do you want to be a patient, kind, but firm mom? Do you want to be a doormat? Do you want to be their boss? Do you want to be their friend, their confidant, or their enemy? The choice is yours to make and yours alone and your actions will always tell on you!
I would love for you to leave a comment stating what kind of parent or even teacher you want to choose to be and what changes you are going to have to make to be that person!
I knew this already, I teach this to my children on a regular basis, but for some reason when he said those words it was like a glass of ice cold water was thrown in my face and I stopped and took stock on the choices I was making. I thought about how often my kids would ask me to play with them and I would tell them after I cleaned up something or after I finished reading the chapter (which sometimes ended up being after I finish this book) or after I finish this show or . . . well you get the picture. I laid there and thought about all the choices I had been making in my life lately.
I then began thinking about how this applies to being a parent and a spouse. How often do we give our children choices and expect them to make the correct choices but then we make the poor choice? Did you know that it is your choice to get angry or frustrated with a screaming 2 yr old or you can choose to stay calm and help teach that screaming 2 yr old how to properly channel their emotions? Did you know it is your choice to lose your temper or to keep your head? Did you know you can choose to teach your children to behave appropriately through love and being an example rather than through fear?
You choose what kind of parent you will be and only you. It isn't your mom or dad or your spouse or your best friend or your church leader. It is you and only you! So ask yourself what kind of parent do you want to be? Do you want your children to be afraid of you? Do you want your children to always feel loved and cherished? Do you want to be a patient, kind, but firm mom? Do you want to be a doormat? Do you want to be their boss? Do you want to be their friend, their confidant, or their enemy? The choice is yours to make and yours alone and your actions will always tell on you!
I would love for you to leave a comment stating what kind of parent or even teacher you want to choose to be and what changes you are going to have to make to be that person!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Priorities
My husband was recently challenged to make a list of his top ten priorities in order from most important to least important. As he was telling me about this task I told him that he needed to be brutally honest with the list. Little did I know the impact that little statement would have on me!
First let me back up. This past year has been hard for our family for a couple of reasons. The main reason it has been hard is because we had health drama this past year. We chose to have another baby so I got pregnant and then became very sick, I was literally throwing up every day for 8 months straight, then when I hit nine months I felt awesome but was the size of a whale! Then in December of last year my husband got a hernia from lifting weights and had to have surgery to repair it. Through all of this drama it was hard for us to want to do a whole lot more than wallow in our own misery and pain and so our once strong connection began to fade. T and I both responded to this differently and neither way was healthy for our relationship with each other. Over time it became like there was six people living separate individual lives in our home.
Fortunately for T and I we are both always willing to change and work harder to get what we want and what we want is to be an eternal family who loves to spend time together and respects each other above anything. Thus started our road to change. I would love to sit and point the finger and blame on T and pregnancy and everyone else, but I was just as responsible for our falling away from each other as anyone else. Since I made that one comment to T about the importance of being brutally honest about where his priorities are I have been deep in thought about the honesty of where my priorities lay.
I would love to say that my priorities are:
1. God
2. My Husband
3. My children
4. Myself
5. My extended family (my siblings and my inlaws)
6. My friends
7. Financial Stability
and really that is all that is important to me but in reality my life became more like this:
1. Me
2. Me
3. Me
4. Me
5. My friends
6. My kids
7.My hubby
8. God
9. My inlaws
10. My siblings and parents
If I am being completely honest with myself all I have to do is look at how I spent my time. I would spend it online or on Photoshop almost all day. I would get annoyed when my kids asked for a snack or a drink because that took me away from my precious forums and Facebooks and scrapbook pages. I would rush through the bedtime routine without really interacting with my kids but forcing myself to read them a story or the scriptures because I knew it was important but there was no joy in the act. I would sit on the couch to watch TV with my husband but the whole time I was on the computer, designing something, editing something or checking my Facebook just in case one more person made a comment. If I wasn't on the computer I was on my smart phone. My thoughts were constantly on what I could design next, what I would blog about next, what my next Facebook post would be. I put my self esteem and all I had to give into something that could never give back to me like my children or my husband could. I would escape into a world where true joy and love and connections cannot exist! They can start there but they can never replace the real connection you get from cuddling on the couch or talking face to face or laughing over silly jokes and eating ice cream!
I feel that worse than growing apart from my children and spouse I grew apart from the Lord. I stopped reading my scriptures every day, I stopped saying my prayers, I stopped finding joy in serving but instead felt under appreciated.
It is not easy to admit to myself that I became more important than anyone else in my life and my wants and my desires and my needs became number one. Now I am not saying we need to take care of everyone else over ourselves, but I honestly believe that as we serve our family and spend time with one another then our own wants and needs fall into place. If I spend an hour playing and reading with my kids then they are more likely to play alone for an hour so I can have some me time. If I am willing to take care of my spouses needs and spend time with him then he is going to be more open to taking care of the kids while I get some me time in. Most important above all else if I build my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior before I build my relationship with an old friend from high school on Facebook I will feel more peace and joy in my life and the Facebook will still be there.
Most importantly I have found that it is how I spend my time. Do I spend more time talking to friends than my own children and spouse? Do I read my scriptures and say my prayers before checking my facebook page, emails and blogs? Do I stay up all night on Pinterest.com but am too tired to make love to my husband or say prayers before bed? How you spend your time and thoughts will truly show you where your priorities are!
So I challenge you to really contemplate where your priorities are, are they where you want them to be and if not what can you do to change that?
First let me back up. This past year has been hard for our family for a couple of reasons. The main reason it has been hard is because we had health drama this past year. We chose to have another baby so I got pregnant and then became very sick, I was literally throwing up every day for 8 months straight, then when I hit nine months I felt awesome but was the size of a whale! Then in December of last year my husband got a hernia from lifting weights and had to have surgery to repair it. Through all of this drama it was hard for us to want to do a whole lot more than wallow in our own misery and pain and so our once strong connection began to fade. T and I both responded to this differently and neither way was healthy for our relationship with each other. Over time it became like there was six people living separate individual lives in our home.
Fortunately for T and I we are both always willing to change and work harder to get what we want and what we want is to be an eternal family who loves to spend time together and respects each other above anything. Thus started our road to change. I would love to sit and point the finger and blame on T and pregnancy and everyone else, but I was just as responsible for our falling away from each other as anyone else. Since I made that one comment to T about the importance of being brutally honest about where his priorities are I have been deep in thought about the honesty of where my priorities lay.
I would love to say that my priorities are:
1. God
2. My Husband
3. My children
4. Myself
5. My extended family (my siblings and my inlaws)
6. My friends
7. Financial Stability
and really that is all that is important to me but in reality my life became more like this:
1. Me
2. Me
3. Me
4. Me
5. My friends
6. My kids
7.My hubby
8. God
9. My inlaws
10. My siblings and parents
If I am being completely honest with myself all I have to do is look at how I spent my time. I would spend it online or on Photoshop almost all day. I would get annoyed when my kids asked for a snack or a drink because that took me away from my precious forums and Facebooks and scrapbook pages. I would rush through the bedtime routine without really interacting with my kids but forcing myself to read them a story or the scriptures because I knew it was important but there was no joy in the act. I would sit on the couch to watch TV with my husband but the whole time I was on the computer, designing something, editing something or checking my Facebook just in case one more person made a comment. If I wasn't on the computer I was on my smart phone. My thoughts were constantly on what I could design next, what I would blog about next, what my next Facebook post would be. I put my self esteem and all I had to give into something that could never give back to me like my children or my husband could. I would escape into a world where true joy and love and connections cannot exist! They can start there but they can never replace the real connection you get from cuddling on the couch or talking face to face or laughing over silly jokes and eating ice cream!
I feel that worse than growing apart from my children and spouse I grew apart from the Lord. I stopped reading my scriptures every day, I stopped saying my prayers, I stopped finding joy in serving but instead felt under appreciated.
It is not easy to admit to myself that I became more important than anyone else in my life and my wants and my desires and my needs became number one. Now I am not saying we need to take care of everyone else over ourselves, but I honestly believe that as we serve our family and spend time with one another then our own wants and needs fall into place. If I spend an hour playing and reading with my kids then they are more likely to play alone for an hour so I can have some me time. If I am willing to take care of my spouses needs and spend time with him then he is going to be more open to taking care of the kids while I get some me time in. Most important above all else if I build my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior before I build my relationship with an old friend from high school on Facebook I will feel more peace and joy in my life and the Facebook will still be there.
Most importantly I have found that it is how I spend my time. Do I spend more time talking to friends than my own children and spouse? Do I read my scriptures and say my prayers before checking my facebook page, emails and blogs? Do I stay up all night on Pinterest.com but am too tired to make love to my husband or say prayers before bed? How you spend your time and thoughts will truly show you where your priorities are!
So I challenge you to really contemplate where your priorities are, are they where you want them to be and if not what can you do to change that?
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sometimes kids just lose their mind
I was not happy he was left at home and M & J were at school. He was convinced that we should go back! Oh how we all love those tired 2 yr olds.
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Are you a Phineas & Ferb kind of parent?
Lately my kids have fallen in love with Phineas & Ferb. It has both boys and girls in it which makes it an easy pick for both M & J. If you have not watched this cartoon the premise is that Phineas and Ferb are brothers who love to invent things, much to the dismay of their older sister. Their mother is always in the episode, however, she is often shown doing miscellaneous household chores and appears to be completely oblivious to what is going on with her kids. As I was watching this cartoon today I began thinking about whether or not I was a Phineas & Ferb kind of mom, and I think that I have been from time to time but I am striving not to be.
Now you may be thinking, what do I mean am I a Phineas & Ferb kind of parent? What I mean when I say that is are we so caught up in doing the mundane every day tasks of living that we are completely clueless about what is going on in our kids lives? How often do we hear our kids fighting and react without actually knowing the full story? If you remember a few posts back I posted about how angry J is and what I was going to do about that.One of the biggest things I have realized since posting about that is that I really didn't have the full picture. You see J is smack dab in the middle of O and M who think they have the best ideas ever and everyone should just do what they say and J often gets lost in the mix. M and O are such outgoing, fun loving kids whereas J is a loner who likes to be left alone in his own space with his own toys doing his own things. Since I have been watching more and more I have seen that J is not so much angry all the time, but is frustrated because no one will just leave him alone when he asks to be left alone. Likewise I have noticed that O is quite the antagonizer who loves to pick at J until J can't take it anymore. O is probably not too happy with me being much more observant because he gets into a lot more trouble nowadays!
I also feel that sometimes our kids play so well together that it is easy to kind of tune them out and do our own thing. I am as guilty as the next person of turning on a movie for the kids and then getting lost in the wonderful world of the internet where I go from blog to blog and website to website until the movie is completely over and I didn't watch one minute of it with them. Or we get to cleaning one thing and then we just keep on going because the kids are playing so well and then before you know it it's time to put them to bed and how much do you know about what really went on with your kids that day?
How are you when you go out with your kids? Are you the mom that everyone wishes would pay a little more attention to their kids while at the park or at a playdate, or are you the mom that knows where every child is and what they were doing and are missing out on half the conversations because you are keeping an eye on your kids? Or are you somewhere in the middle?
So if this sounds like you, what is something you can do to change? For every person it is going to be different, but one thing I have done is rearranged my house. I have brought all of the toys out of my kids bedrooms so they are forced to play out in the living and play area of the house and I can always hear what is going on. I have also brought the computer out of the office and have converted the office into a guest room / storage room so that even if I have to get on the computer I am still where my kids are and can know what is going on. I am also striving to only schedule my time for when the kids are in bed so that I do spend more time with them and focus on them more. In fact if you play Words with Friends with me at all you know that there are times when there are 2 days that go by and I haven't played because I am making a conscious effort to not get sucked into my phone and computer but am focusing more on being involved with what my kids are doing in the day.
So I challenge you this week to really pay attention to what kind of parent you are, are you a Phineas & Ferb kind of parent or do you know what your kids are doing throughout the day and actively striving to be involved in your kids lives? If you are a Phineas & Ferb kind of mom, are you o.k. with that? Does that bother you? And if it does bother you what are you going to do to change that?
Now you may be thinking, what do I mean am I a Phineas & Ferb kind of parent? What I mean when I say that is are we so caught up in doing the mundane every day tasks of living that we are completely clueless about what is going on in our kids lives? How often do we hear our kids fighting and react without actually knowing the full story? If you remember a few posts back I posted about how angry J is and what I was going to do about that.One of the biggest things I have realized since posting about that is that I really didn't have the full picture. You see J is smack dab in the middle of O and M who think they have the best ideas ever and everyone should just do what they say and J often gets lost in the mix. M and O are such outgoing, fun loving kids whereas J is a loner who likes to be left alone in his own space with his own toys doing his own things. Since I have been watching more and more I have seen that J is not so much angry all the time, but is frustrated because no one will just leave him alone when he asks to be left alone. Likewise I have noticed that O is quite the antagonizer who loves to pick at J until J can't take it anymore. O is probably not too happy with me being much more observant because he gets into a lot more trouble nowadays!
I also feel that sometimes our kids play so well together that it is easy to kind of tune them out and do our own thing. I am as guilty as the next person of turning on a movie for the kids and then getting lost in the wonderful world of the internet where I go from blog to blog and website to website until the movie is completely over and I didn't watch one minute of it with them. Or we get to cleaning one thing and then we just keep on going because the kids are playing so well and then before you know it it's time to put them to bed and how much do you know about what really went on with your kids that day?
How are you when you go out with your kids? Are you the mom that everyone wishes would pay a little more attention to their kids while at the park or at a playdate, or are you the mom that knows where every child is and what they were doing and are missing out on half the conversations because you are keeping an eye on your kids? Or are you somewhere in the middle?
So if this sounds like you, what is something you can do to change? For every person it is going to be different, but one thing I have done is rearranged my house. I have brought all of the toys out of my kids bedrooms so they are forced to play out in the living and play area of the house and I can always hear what is going on. I have also brought the computer out of the office and have converted the office into a guest room / storage room so that even if I have to get on the computer I am still where my kids are and can know what is going on. I am also striving to only schedule my time for when the kids are in bed so that I do spend more time with them and focus on them more. In fact if you play Words with Friends with me at all you know that there are times when there are 2 days that go by and I haven't played because I am making a conscious effort to not get sucked into my phone and computer but am focusing more on being involved with what my kids are doing in the day.
So I challenge you this week to really pay attention to what kind of parent you are, are you a Phineas & Ferb kind of parent or do you know what your kids are doing throughout the day and actively striving to be involved in your kids lives? If you are a Phineas & Ferb kind of mom, are you o.k. with that? Does that bother you? And if it does bother you what are you going to do to change that?
Friday, September 16, 2011
Where did my brain go?
I have decided that nursing babies don't just suck the fat away but they suck brain cells away as well. I normally have an excellent memory but lately I am forgetting everything and can't seem to focus on anything. The days are whirlwinds and blurs all the time now! For example, the other day I was talking to a girlfriend of mine and she needed to stop by my house for something and was wondering when a good time would be, I told her I would be home all day and didn't have anything planned, but then twenty minutes later remembered that I would not be home because I was going to weight watchers and then out to lunch and then to pick up kids from school. Then the next morning I was laying in bed feeling like I was forgetting something but couldn't place what it was then halfway through getting ready for the morning I remembered that my kids had their first night of gymnastics that night and because I completely spaced it M didn't have a leotard for gym, luckily she still had her dance leotard and she was able to wear that with some shorts for her first night. Then halfway through the week I remembered I signed up to feed the missionaries and thankfully I bought extra steaks for that nights dinner when I went shopping. I completely spaced that I was supposed to volunteer at my kids school and scheduled a Dr. appointment for N in the morning and a presidency meeting right after that so now I can't volunteer. Thankfully my kids have amazing teachers and totally understand but this is so unlike me! I am literally the person who forgets nothing! I used to tell my sister in law who is very forgetful how I wish I could be so forgetful so that I could "miss" things because "I completely spaced them" but then people would know I was lying because I don't forget, until now! I don't even remember to check my email or blogs half the time I just get so into living in the moment and thinking about that precious sleep that often eludes me and I forget everything else. I have even forgotten to pay the power and gas bills which is so unlike
me! I mean it is on my bill pay how hard is it to remember to go to my
bank account and schedule the payment? It's not, I just forget to do it! I am blaming it 100% on the fact that I have a nursing baby and not nearly enough sleep!
And to top it off as I am typing this post I just got a call from the pharmacy saying that my prescription is ready for pick up which I scheduled to pick up 3 days ago and completely spaced it! Oh my, I really need to get my brain back!
So my question to you is this: what are your best strategies for remembering things in a hectic busy life. I know I should write things down . . . which I do . . . but then I forget where I put it! So tips and tricks would be greatly appreciated!
And to top it off as I am typing this post I just got a call from the pharmacy saying that my prescription is ready for pick up which I scheduled to pick up 3 days ago and completely spaced it! Oh my, I really need to get my brain back!
So my question to you is this: what are your best strategies for remembering things in a hectic busy life. I know I should write things down . . . which I do . . . but then I forget where I put it! So tips and tricks would be greatly appreciated!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Keeping the romance alive after kids
The other day I was taking to a girlfriend of mine about how hard it was to go out on dates when you have kids because babysitters are so expensive! We were also talking about how hard it is to be intimate after having a baby because you feel so tired and the minute you hit the sheets you aren't thinking about anything but sleep, where as your hubby probably is.
So today instead of me giving you advice I would love for you to give me some: how have you kept the romance alive after having kids?
So today instead of me giving you advice I would love for you to give me some: how have you kept the romance alive after having kids?
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Wednesday, August 31, 2011
J is so angry
J is my difficult child. He didn't talk until he was 3 years old and since then he has a hard time expressing himself and M and O do not always listen to his words so he physically attacks them. I do not believe in spanking my kids and literally the only times I have ever spanked was because one of my children were putting the other child in danger - for example one time M pushed J under the water in the bath when he was a baby and without thinking I smacked her while getting J out of danger. So last night J got mad at O and was suffocating him and then tonight M didn't play the way he wanted so he choked her so he got a spanking tonight and I yelled at him pretty good and then I thought well that was genius Kim, I don't want him to hurt others when he gets upset but when I got upset I hurt him. So I started thinking about what has been going on and how I can help him resolve this issue. He has never hurt another kid outside of our family ever and I doubt he ever will, but that is not a risk I am willing to take.
After doing some serious reflecting I realized that from the time J woke up this morning until he went to bed I don't think I spent more than ten minutes focused solely on him all day, he watched TV, he played video games, he went to school, and then he came home and watched more tv and then he hurt M and then we went to a friends house and he played with friends until it was time for bed. Looking back on yesterday it was similar minus the playing with friends part and I did spend more time with him but still not a lot and I honestly feel like his aggression is a cry for attention and he feels like he isn't being listened to so here is my plan:
1. I am removing all toys from the kids bedrooms - I have noticed that it is when they are playing in their rooms unsupervised that he tends to be the most frustrated and does the most hurting, we have a playroom and so all toys are going to be in the playroom from now on and whatever doesn't fit in the playroom is getting put away for now.
2. I am banning technology! Television is nice but it is too easy for me to allow one tv show to turn in to three hours and right now we have a television with dvr in almost every room of the house so for now no more tv or video games or playing on the phone. I will wait until my kids are in school or asleep to get on the computer or watch my shows because I need to be an example to them. I will text but no more checking Facebook or blogs or forums that I hang out at all day. All of that will be done at night or while they are in school from now on.
3. I am going to spend more time one on one with J and play with them more and supervise their playing more. If this was going on in a classroom setting I would be doing a ton of observations where I note what is happening before, during and after so that is what I am going to do at home - I am going to observe and then take what I observe and teach all of my kids better ways to handle situations that come up.
4. T and I are both going to work harder at controlling our own anger. This is not easily accomplished right now since T and I are going through some pretty rough stuff as a couple and I think it bleeds over into our parenting of our kids, plus I haven't had a solid 5 hours of sleep in who knows how long so that is wearing on me and I have less patience with my kids - but it is not my children's fault for any of those things so it is my responsibility to not take it out on them.
5. I am going to talk to J more about how he is feeling - a lot of time we get angry because of cognitive distortions (that is a blog post in and of itself) so I am going to figure out what cognitive distortions he is feeling and help him redirect his way of thinking.
Some of you might be thinking that this is a little drastic and a lot of work (my hubby said it was unrealistic) but you know what I can guarantee if I do these things every day that within a month at the most J will be a completely different kid. I firmly believe that when you choose to have kids you choose to sacrifice your time and wants and desires for their sakes and waiting to teach him how to control his emotions is only going to make things worse so it is time for me to put my life on hold a bit and focus more on him and his needs. I will keep you updated on how things progress!
After doing some serious reflecting I realized that from the time J woke up this morning until he went to bed I don't think I spent more than ten minutes focused solely on him all day, he watched TV, he played video games, he went to school, and then he came home and watched more tv and then he hurt M and then we went to a friends house and he played with friends until it was time for bed. Looking back on yesterday it was similar minus the playing with friends part and I did spend more time with him but still not a lot and I honestly feel like his aggression is a cry for attention and he feels like he isn't being listened to so here is my plan:
1. I am removing all toys from the kids bedrooms - I have noticed that it is when they are playing in their rooms unsupervised that he tends to be the most frustrated and does the most hurting, we have a playroom and so all toys are going to be in the playroom from now on and whatever doesn't fit in the playroom is getting put away for now.
2. I am banning technology! Television is nice but it is too easy for me to allow one tv show to turn in to three hours and right now we have a television with dvr in almost every room of the house so for now no more tv or video games or playing on the phone. I will wait until my kids are in school or asleep to get on the computer or watch my shows because I need to be an example to them. I will text but no more checking Facebook or blogs or forums that I hang out at all day. All of that will be done at night or while they are in school from now on.
3. I am going to spend more time one on one with J and play with them more and supervise their playing more. If this was going on in a classroom setting I would be doing a ton of observations where I note what is happening before, during and after so that is what I am going to do at home - I am going to observe and then take what I observe and teach all of my kids better ways to handle situations that come up.
4. T and I are both going to work harder at controlling our own anger. This is not easily accomplished right now since T and I are going through some pretty rough stuff as a couple and I think it bleeds over into our parenting of our kids, plus I haven't had a solid 5 hours of sleep in who knows how long so that is wearing on me and I have less patience with my kids - but it is not my children's fault for any of those things so it is my responsibility to not take it out on them.
5. I am going to talk to J more about how he is feeling - a lot of time we get angry because of cognitive distortions (that is a blog post in and of itself) so I am going to figure out what cognitive distortions he is feeling and help him redirect his way of thinking.
Some of you might be thinking that this is a little drastic and a lot of work (my hubby said it was unrealistic) but you know what I can guarantee if I do these things every day that within a month at the most J will be a completely different kid. I firmly believe that when you choose to have kids you choose to sacrifice your time and wants and desires for their sakes and waiting to teach him how to control his emotions is only going to make things worse so it is time for me to put my life on hold a bit and focus more on him and his needs. I will keep you updated on how things progress!
Back to school
So last Wednesday T and I decided to go to California for a few days and then we came back in time to get ready for school. School finally started on Monday here and I am loving it! I have a 1st grader and a Kindergartener this year and I think once I get used to the new schedule of our life I will be able to get a lot more accomplished, as of right now it is pretty hectic because I am going to the school three times a day, running errands, trying to keep the house clean, spend time with the kids, spend time with the hubby, make breakfast, lunch and dinner, and the list goes on. Needless to say by the time I get a chance to sit down I am pretty exhausted! In fact last night after I put the kids to bed and made M's lunch for today I thought I would take a relaxing bath and read a book and I fell asleep in the tub! The kids love school though and I think their teachers are pretty fantastic! Needless to say life has been hectic but I will post more about listening soon, I promise!
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